This Old-Timey Week in the WFBL—Week 5

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The Taming of the German: A Tragedy in Three Acts

"To Bee or not to Bee? That is the question..."

Dramatis Personae
DIRK NOWITZKI, a gentleman of Salt Lake
PAU GASOL, his page
TED BARNES, a beekeeper
TRUMAN BARNES, duke of St. George
DWIGHT HOWARD, lord attending the duke
MONTA ELLIS, a clownish servant to DWIGHT
THREE WOOD SPRITES

Scene: SnowHive at Mr. Mac Arena

ACT I
Scene I.—The low post
Enter DIRK and DWIGHT

Dirk. Soft! Who goes there? What ribald intruder
Dares transverse this sacrosanct line
And enter the painted area near the vaunted hoop
Which I have been charged to defend?

Dwight. Detain me not, fair-haired sentry! For lo, thou canst not,
By merely standing in my path, alter fate's immovable
Will, nor deflect me from my destined course.

Dirk. Nay, mighty warrior. Thou hast mistaken thy destiny.
Tis not to enter my painted domain, but rather
To swallow thine own teeth, with help from mine elbow.
Nevertheless, know thou that tis not thy presence alone
To which I must object—tis the object which thou bearest
In thine oversized paws. Drop the ball, and thou mayest
Freely pass.

Dwight. Thou dost wrong me, white knight, or dost misjudge
Mine intent. Tis mine object, not myself, that hath need
To pass this way. Tis mine object, not myself, that must embark
On a holy pilgrimage to yonder shrine behind thee,
There to place a kiss on the upright glass and nestle
Softly, blissfully, into the netting below. This it will do,
With or without thy consent. [Rises to shoot over Dirk]

Dirk. Never! For behold, my hands, too, are oversized.
And like an alluring roadside tavern, they shall alter
Thy pilgrim's path, that he shall never complete his
Unholy trek. [Blocks Dwight's shot.]

Wood sprites. Halt! Cease thine interference! Know thou not
That this dark-skinned centaur, whose shot's trajectory
Thou hast altered, is a rising, shining star in the constellation
Of this fair league? Yea, a star brighter than Orion, Virgo, and
Leo join'd together. With a single note played on our magical whistles,
We shall halt the relentless march of time and award Sir Dwight
An unobstructed chance to do what thou didst so foully prevent.
He shall project his projectile, free from thy nefarious interference. [Exeunt]


























Scene II.—The free-throw line
Enter DWIGHT, DIRK, and MONTA

Dwight. O precious orb! Thou golden sun! Behold, yonder
Is thy West. Settle thou there! How oft hath this wobbly earth
Made thine appointed trajectory appear to vary. But nay, thou art
True, and there is but one West.

Dirk. By my troth! Dusk approaches, the moon waxeth,
And my patience doth wane! Send thine orange orb on its
Unpredictable way. [Dwight shoots and misses]

Dwight. What! Is the horizon so narrow that the sun can fail
To find it? Up now, another try. The weary world longs to sleep.
Set thou beyond the western wall, and let us rest!

Dirk. [Aside] Behold, I shall don my mason's garb and gather
The shards after his brick shatters against the wall. [Dwight shoots and misses again]

Monta. Come, wayward sphere. Come to softer hands.
I'll carry thee hence to a land where thy
Nourishing rays shall bear fruit, yea, threefold. [Rebounds the miss over Dirk, dribbles behind the arc, and makes a three-pointer]

ACT II
Scene I.—Visitors locker room
Enter TRUMAN, DWIGHT, and other U-Dogs

Truman. My brave soldiers, our quest is half complet'd.
Continue ye on the course ye have now begun,
And vict'ry shall follow, as gnats do follow the sun.

Dwight. Yea, sire. Our goal is nearly reach'd. But behold,
The course which thou praisest doth strain our strength.
Will not the gnat follow the sun e'en if our effort
Should slacken a measure? Suffer us to cease our
Strenuous oaring, and let the strong current propel
Our ship toward the port of victory.

Truman. If it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
Proclaim it, Dwight Howard, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And crowns for convoy put into his purse:
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This week we are not Underdogs but Spittin' Llamas:
He that outlives this week, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the week is named,
And rouse him at the name of Old Timey Week.
He that shall live this week, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'This week is Old Timey:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Old Timey Week.'
This story shall the good man teach his son;
We in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of hooved Andean pack-beasts;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my llama; be his saliva ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in St. George now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Old Timey Week. [Exeunt amid rousing cheers]

Scene II.—Home locker room
Enter BEEKEEPER, DIRK, and other SnowBees

Dirk. My lord, the foe is within reach. We await
But thy command, thy subtle plan, 'ere we lengthen our gait
And o'ertake those vile Dogs.

Beekeeper. [Eating a hot dog] In due time, my Bohemian behemoth.
I'll grant my thoughts have at sundry times this week
Run with dogs, but you'll soon see that these are dogs
Of a diff'rent breed than what thou speak'st. Tho' both be hot,
Mine be more savory.

Dirk. Sir! Thinkest thou of broil'd, beketchup'd victuals
At such a time as this?

Beekeeper. Fear not, dear friend. I've brought brawts
Enough for all. [Locker room fills with contented grunts]

Dirk. But should we not be scheming our attack
On Dwight and his hounds?

Beekeeper. For what purpose, my shaggy-headed gentleman?
Thinkest thou that by taking thought we can add to our
Own stature, or take from theirs? What amount of plotting
Can alter the plotted course of fate? As well we might attempt
To stop the mould from growing betwixt thy lengthy toes.
We'll defeat our foe only if Nature wills it, and accept her will
Gladly. For now, she wills that we feast on her bounties.
Hot dogs for all! [Exeunt all joyously, except Dirk]

ACT III.
Scene I.—Same.

Dirk. [Staring at a hot dog in his hand]
To Bee, or not to Bee: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Another season of SnowBees fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To demand a trade: to retire;
To start anew with another team, another life, and end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That all SnowBees are heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To demand a trade, to retire;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this hardwood coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long a season;
For who would bear the taunts and scorns of fans,
The Beekeeper's 'experiments,' the postgame interviews,
The pangs of undigested hot dogs, the halftime promos,
The insolence of officials and the Village People songs
That the patient superstar must endure,
When he himself might his exit make
With a stubborn tantrum? who would the Beekeeper bear,
To roll one's eyes and scratch one's head,
But that the dread of something with another team,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
For what shall I trade the lunacy of the SnowBees?
The chains of tyranny in Maracaibo?
The chains of apathy in Bayside?
The chains of anonymity in the commoner's workforce?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

Enter PAU.

Pau. [With beketchuped face] Sir, the summons to resume the
Contest sounds. Shall we go discover what result the gods
Doth will for our matchup with St. George?

Dirk. Yea, young page. And methinks, to watch their will
Unfold, the view is best beyond the three-point arc,
Away from scuffs and elbows, bumps and bruises.

Pau. I have found it so to be, my lord. Tis also easiest there
To not unduly influence the matchup's destined course
And perchance frustrate the gods' all-wise plan.
Dirk. Come, then. And let's endeavor not to interfere.
Perchance the gods, seeing our meek submission,
Shall reward us handsomely.

Pau. With a vict'ry?

Dirk. Nay. Twould be unjust to bless a moderate effort
With aught but a moderate prize.
Neither win nor loss for us, good page.
'Ere this week ends, we shall wear ties!

Pau. Aye. And by the by, dost thou intend to eat thine hot dog? [Exeunt]

Around the WFBL

Butchers 6, Abominables 2, Everyone 1

Iguanas 6, Tigers 2, Everyone 1

Gators 6, Sundancers 3

Kings 5, Jai-Rai 4

Trojans 6, Stratagem 3

Week 5 Old-Timey Game of the Week Voting Results:

Magna Spittin Llamas 1 (16%)

Salt Lake City Buzzers of West Valley 5 (83%)

Week 4 EBP:

LeBron James, Rigby—4 votes (66% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Nov 26-Dec 2, 2007

Gallon of gas: $2.29

Gallon of milk: $2.45

#1 Song: "Gold Digger"—Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx

#1 Movie: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 5 from 2007 (Nov 26- Dec 2). It was early, but it was quite clear that the class of the regular season was the St. George Underdogs. Dwight Howard's potential was tantalizing, Chauncey Billups was solid, Manu Ginobili was not yet a sixth-man, and Shawn Marion was still the Matrix. What was the secret to owner Truman Barnes' success?

WEEK FIVE, NOV 26-DEC 2, 2007

Truman's Hands-Off Approach Makes U-Dogs Untouchable

ST GEORGE (AP)—The WFBL's runaway leaders, the St. George Underdogs, tied a league record with a fifth-straight regular-season series victory by serving the Park City Sundancers their lunch in a doggie dish to the tune of 7-2. Only five weeks into the season, the first-place U-Dogs already have a 6.5-game lead over second-place Salt Lake and Maracaibo.

It's ironic, then, that in a sport known for its frantic wheeling and dealing and constant tinkering from obsessive-compulsive owners who sweat over every missed free throw and strained calf muscle and for the first time understand why their grade-school teachers said that math is an important part of everyday life in the real world—I say, it's ironic that in such a sport the Underdogs are excelling without having made a single personnel move all season.

Five-year-old owner Truman Barnes, who has never even had a grade-school teacher, hasn't so much as learned the names of all his players—let alone change his starting lineup—since week 1. He wouldn't know how to propose a trade if he wanted to (and why should he at 33-12-0?). He thinks waivers are those old guys who greet you when you walk into Wal-Mart.

How, then, did he manage to guide his Underdogs to the top spot in the league?

"I don't know!" Truman says with a shrug. "Do you know?"

We really don't. But there must be some explanation. When pressed, Truman wonders aloud whether his players—the ones he knows about—might not have something to do with it.

"I guess my players must be just really, really good," he offers with another shrug.

The U-Dog players, for their part, seem open to that possibility.

"We take full responsibility for where our team is right now," says forward Shawn Marion. "Coach Tru trusts us to do our job, which is win basketball games, and we trust him to do his job, which is to sit on the sidelines and make paper airplanes and practice writing the letter W."

There is, of course, a little bit more to it than that. Truman is also responsible, as team owner, to make sure his five best players are on the court week-in and week-out. But even that job is fairly simple for Truman.

"Every week I ask each player, 'Are you good?'" Truman explains. "If he says, 'Yes,' then he gets to play." As soon as he has five yeses, Truman has his starting lineup. He reportedly has never had to ask more than five players that question.

If such a simple formula has been so successful in St. George, why haven't other owners around the league tried it?

"I've tried it," said Truman's brother, TJ, whose New York Kings are 19-25-1. "But some of my players lied."

The Underdogs would continue their early-season tear, going without a series loss in 7 of their next 8 matchups. It was a sight to behold, and their dominance was so apparent that the WFBL changed the format of the All-Star Game that season from Wasatch vs World to the Best (Underdogs) vs the Rest (everyone else). The Underdogs prevailed in said showcase 5-3-1.

Week 4 Power Rankings

Where Your Guess Is As Good As Ours

More than just a rematch of the 2005-06 Concludings, the Old-Timey Game of the Week pits the streaking (2 weeks counts as a streak) Llamas against the Buzzers, who welcome hand model Pau Gasol back into the starting lineup.

Who's the best team in the WFBL? Zermatt? Really? Who's the worst team? New York? You sure? So far Season Five of the WFBL can be summed up with one word: parity. The longest active win streak comes from a team without their all-world point guard. One of the teams with a league-leading 3-week losing streak, Richmond, leads the league in three categories and is ranked in the top 6 in all but three. All but four teams are .500 or better, and each team has lost and won at least one matchup. You try and figure it out! Maybe some good ol' fashioned Old-Timey Week shenanigans is all the Power Rankings needs to sort through the mess.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Record


1 (1) 22-13-1
At the beginning of the season, if you would have told A-Bom fans that after 4 weeks they would have gotten only two and a half weeks from EBP Chris Paul, one and a half weeks from Kevin Martin, not a single appearance from Antawn Jamison, and a pile of turd from Al Jefferson—yet still be in first place—they'da told you you wuz crazy! Yet here they are, winners of 6 of their last 7.


2 (6) 17-17-2
The Tigers' victory over the Gators was impressive, but let's be honest: they're here because teams 2-5 all lost last week. Still, Bayside has lost only one matchup, a 2-6-1 defeat at the hands of top-ranked Zermatt in Week 2, and are only one game out of second place in the World Conference.


3 (8) 18-17-1
That 7-2 drubbing of New York is more like what Rigby fans had in mind. With Carter and Parker back in the starting lineup, will the rest of the Wasatch finally get to see the Trojans' full wrath? Nephi sure hopes not.

4 (9) 19-17-0
If there's anything that Udorn should be upset about, it's shooting their way out of a 9-0 victory over the Strats last week. While Nephi got a taste of 4 games apiece from Granger and Kobe, the rest of the league wonders how the Jai-Rai lucked into such an embarrassment of riches at the PG position (Westbrook, Arenas, and Jennings).

5 (7) 18-18-0

Speaking of Udorn, are the Sundancers this year's Jai-Rai? So far Barton's boys have won or lost all their matchups by a score of 5-4. Can Park City figure out their PG woes, with Jameer Nelson recovering from surgery and Derrick Rose recovering from whatever it is that's making him suck? Is Will Bynum really the answer?


6 (4) 18-16-2
That Bayside loss could have been much worse, so kudos to the Gators for keeping it close. Having said that, it's no secret that the Power Rankings have been less than impressed with Duncan and Co. Hey, maybe whatever performance-enhancer Rashard Lewis was taking will rub off on the rest of the Gators!


7 (3) 18-16-2
A tough loss, but this one also should have been much bigger. The big question in Maracaibo right now is can Hopkin figure out a way to get Joakim Noah in the starting lineup? The crazy-haired yahoo is leading the league in rebounding, at 12.3 per game, all while averaging almost a steal and two blocks per game.

8 (10) 15-19-2
In answer to last week's Power Rankings, yes, it is too early to call this year's Underdogs the worst in league history. The U-Dogs' problems begin and end with Dwight Howard. His numbers are solid, just not "super". Seriously, we just spent a paragraph discussing how great Joakim Noah is. C'mon Dwight, you can do better than that!

9 (5) 16-20-0
Step one: Get Pau back. Step two: Get Eric Gordon back. You're almost there, Salt Lake! This has been one of the Power Rankings' sleeper teams, and with Josh Smith filling the stat sheet and Dirk partying like it's 2005, we won't be surprised if the SnowBees are challenging for the Wasatch title at the end of the year.

10 (2) 18-18-0
From 10th to 2nd one week, and back down to 10th from 2nd the next. At this rate, Nephi may have both spots alternately lined up for the rest of the year. Although that 1-8 loss is starting to justify the Power Rankings' low preseason estimation.

11 (11) 17-19-0
It pains us to put the Butchers here, given how much they dominate across the board statistically. But in the end, it's about getting wins, and the Butchers haven't tasted victory since Week 1 against the Igs. A win against top-ranked Zermatt may be enough for Richmond to get out of our dog-house.

12 (12) 14-20-2
Three straight losses have the Kings once again at the bottom of the rankings. But don't worry, there's reason to hope. Troy Murphy comes back from injury this week and a rejuvenated Stephen Jackson should provide a spark at the SF position. The only downside? New York welcomes red-hot Udorn to town.

So what do you think? Your team ranked too high? Too low? Who's overrated? Underrated? Let the Power Rankings know in the comments! And don't forget to vote on the Game of the Week and Week 1's EBP!

Old-Timey Week's A-Comin'!

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Download Your Old-Timey Propaganda Today!

We know it's still the middle of Week 4, and you're probably too worried about how much you're beating Nephi or New York by, but stop for a moment and get ready for Week 5: Old-Timey Week! Celebrate the historical match-ups with Old-Timey posters and commemorative wallpaper. Get 'em today! Besides, you have no control over your team for this week anymore, it's out of your hands! What's done is done! Old-Timey Week is the cat's pajamas!

OLD-TIMEY POSTERS
Click images to open old-timey poster in window; then right click and save to desktop
























WALLPAPER DOWNLOADS
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A Conversation With The Commish

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THE COMMISH REACHES OUT TO HIS CONSTITUENTS IN HIS FIFTH ANNUAL LEAGUE PRIMER

ZERMATT (AP)—It is known in the world of journalism as the Matterhorn of interviews: the pilgrimage to the Alpine resort of Ben Barnes, Commissioner Extraordinaire of the WFBL, who once a year graciously pauses from polishing his championship trophies to entertain questions on a variety of subjects, principally WFBL and the upcoming season.

Writing these questions is essentially what journalists get paid to do. But these tight economic times have been hard on the journalism industry, so this year the AP asked Commissioner Barnes questions that were submitted by WFBL fans throughout the world, none of whom will be paid for doing the journalists' job.

The first question—at least, the first one on the pile here—comes from Billy M. of Rigby, Idaho, who writes: "Mr. Commissioner Sir, I think your basketball league is nifty! I'd sure like to be an all-powerful Commissioner when I grow up, just like you! Gee, that would be swell! What advice can you give to help me achieve my goal?"

COMMISH: Why thanks, Billy. While the goal of being just like me is a noble, if not unrealistic one, there one thing that you need to get started. Lots of money. Lots and lots and lots of money. So go get lots of money. That would be my advice to you.

The next question comes from—well, look at this, the entire state of Virginia: "Commissioner Barnes, are you real, or are you a fake? My friends at school say there is no Commissioner Barnes and the WFBL is a fantasy. My mother is evasive on the subject. But my father says that if you read something on the Internet, then it's so. PS: If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

COMMISH: VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a WFBL. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Commissioner Barnes. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

No WFBL! Thank Goodness! it lives, and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, it will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Hugo C. of Caracas, Venezuela, sends his question on official letterhead of the Republic of Venezuela. Cool! He writes: "Salutations, Commissioner. I admire the tight grip you have on public opinion and your ability to quell dissension and opposing views. The media seems to express only praise. Wondering what your methods are? Do you find prison camps effective? How do you train your secret service spies? Perhaps we can discuss strategies during All-Star Week."

COMMISH: Huggy—if I may call you that—Huggy, it's like this. People respect who they fear. Every once in a while I'll send out threatening e-mails to owners and writers around the league to let them know there's no messing around with the Commish. Let me answer your final two questions at once. Prison camps are an effective place to train secret service spies. We'll talk later on this.










This next one is a little hard to read. It appears to be written in blood on—what is this? Alligator skin? Let's see if I can make it out: "Die, Abominables! Die! Regards, R. Youtz, Twin Falls, ID."

COMMISH: Oh that's nothing to be worried about. That's just an inside joke from an old friend of mine, who's just a little upset ever since I told him his band couldn't play at the All-Star festivities this year. And besides, he's not saying "Die, Abominables! Die! That's German for "The, Abominables! The!" He's just reaching out to the German-speaking A-Bom fans.

Our next question comes from Mahonri M. of the Land of Nephi. He writes: "Behold, I direct mine epistle to the Commissioner, for I have somewhat to say unto him at this, the commencement of the fifth year of the reign of the WFBL. Behold, I desire to know what manner of rejoicings and celebrations will come to pass in this year that the people may remember the history of this great league. Yea, thou knowest that an hundredth part of this history cannot be contained on one Web site. Nevertheless, I fear lest the people will forget what great things the WFBL has done. Behold, I close mine epistle."

COMMISH: Very good question. We plan on doing numerous things to celebrate the fifth season of WFBL. Besides our official fifth-anniversary league logo, the "Original Four" franchises will don commemorative patches as well. And be on the lookout for weekly tributes to classic WFBL moments. For we all know that if we cannot celebrate our past, we are doomed to...wait...how's the saying go?

Kanye W. of St. George, Utah, writes: "Commish, I got nothin' but super respect for all the advancements y'all got goin' in y'all's league. Mad praise an' blessings for reachin' out to new hemispheres an' all that. But the All-Star game in Venezuela? VenezWAYluh? Man, when are y'all gonna give props to St. George and send the party down to Dixie, y'know what I'm sayin'? Or is their skin the wrong color for y'all? Whatever. I'm out. To the W to the F to the B to the L, baby."

COMMISH: Yo Kanyeezee, much love playa. You know I got nuttin but respect for the dirty south, and that's for real. But check it: thing is, Venezueelee be mo' dirty and mo' south, and you can't hate on that, know what I'm sayin'? Ain't no party like a latin party, cuz a latin party don't stop! Maybe you keep to reppin' the S to the T to the Jorge, and we'll keep doin' how we do, aight?

R. Belding of Bayside, CA wants to know: "Will there be an Old-Timey Week this year? I really dig those vintage threads. I mean, I'm as hip as they come, dude, but deep down I'm old school, you know? Besides, I've discovered that it's actually MORE hip to wear dorky stuff in some circumstances."

COMMISH: Mr. Belding, you couldn't be more right. And in Week 5 this year, the entire WFBL will be at their dorkiest. That's when each team will be throwing back to various eras in their history. And don't worry, official WFBL Old-Timey Week merchandise will be available for you to own, so you can be the hippest principal in the whole valley!

Here's one from Kasam A. of Udorn, Thailand: "Greetings, O Vaunted Commissioner. It is an utmost honor to direct my humble words to you. Thank you for brightening our dreary existence with American sport. Someone in our village just traded his last water buffalo for a computer, allowing us to follow our beloved Jai-Rai on the magical Internet. Please discuss the league's exciting Web site and the mystical features it has. I am greatly anticipating the mighty Jai-Rai kicking everyone's backside this year. Well, that is all. A monsoon approaches, and I must harvest my rice field so that I can prepare a meager meal for my large family one last time before I sell my land to purchase a Jai-Rai windbreaker! Farewell."

COMMISH: A good purchase, no doubts there. Those windbreakers come in official team colors, too! As for the Web site, we saw the move to a blog-based format last year to be a great decision by the league. Therefore this season we'll be bringing you everything you loved about last season's site, but recolored. Not only will you still have the ability to comment after each article, vote on who will win the Game of the Week, and help decide the weekly EBP, but we've added a search function and the ability to find articles based on labels given to each post. We've truly come a long way in five years.

We got several letters about WFBL merchandise. This one from Nikolas Kauffmann, from Norwich, CT via Zermatt, Switzerland, is typical: "I am a frequenter of the WFBL store, where I buy all the Abominables clothing and mouse pads. They are my favorite team. But my hunger is not satisfied. I must have more! Would you consider manufacturing Abominables bathroom products, such as body wash, shampoo, and bath towels? When I take a shower, I sometimes have to remove my Abominables clothing (unless it's really cold out), but that is very hard for me to do, emotionally. The result is that I haven't been taking showers. Making Abominables bathroom products would really help. Thank you."

COMMISH: Nikolas, you are an inspiration to us all. If every fan of every WFBL team could follow the model you've set, I'd be so filthy rich that I wouldn't have to toil every day to run this infernal league. Having said that, I'll offer you something better than officially licensed bathroom products—full-body WFBL team tattoos. Now you don't have to worry about someone seeing you without your team gear and then incorrectly assuming you don't have a favorite WFBL team! The full-body tattoos are a permanent way of letting your friends, your wife—even complete strangers—know that you're a #1 WFBL fan!

Next we have a letter, written in crayon, from Joey D. of Brooklyn, New York: "Dear Commissioner, I have a problem. My mother says I spend too much time watching New York Kings games, and I keep getting in trouble at school for checking the WFBL site on my iPhone while I'm supposed to be making leaf rubbings and memorizing state capitals. I love my mother, and I know education is important, but I can't justify putting either of them before my Kings. What can I do?"

COMMISH: Little Joey, the WFBL knows how you feel. Sometimes even the great Commissioner gets nagged by those he lives with that he spends too much time on the WFBL Web site. Can you imagine? Your mother obviously means well, and leaf rubbings and state capitals are important to becoming a contributing member of society. But maybe she just doesn't understand how there's book smarts, and then there's basketball smarts. How else are you going to learn important life lessons such as how rankings are an extremely important way to measure success? How being flashy and scoring a lot of points doesn't always equate to weekly victories. And most important of all, that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the Abominables will always be better than you.

Here's one from Ted B. of Salt Lake City, Utah: "Hello, I am an objective observer of your league. I do not own any of the teams, and I have no rooting interest whatsoever. That said, I want you to know that the Salt Lake SnowBees appear to be the class of the league. Their capable owner, in particular, is a cut above. Kudos to him. I look forward to seeing the SnowBees eat everyone's lunch this year."

COMMISH: Ted. B., please refer to the last line of advice given to Joey D.

Our final letter is this one from R. Redford of Park City, Utah: "Commish, I don't have any questions. I just wanted to send you this autographed picture of me. By the way, we need to do lunch sometime and talk about the possibilities of your league making a $1.4 million donation to keep my film festival afloat. But we can discuss that after my Sundancers manhandle your Abominables and keep those Oaken Skis of Yore where they belong. Ciao."

COMMISH: Bob, we better talk about that now, because those skis are longing for their rightful place on my mantle, next to my three Commissioner Barnes trophies. Perhaps we can make things interesting? If your Sundancers beat my Abominables, you get the $1.4 million. If (when) my Abominables beat your 'Dancers, you finance my movie—a rags-to-riches, coming of age film about a fledgling league led by its fearless Commissioner, who wins back-to-back-to-back championships while at the same time teaching everyone what it means to win the biggest game of all: the game of life.