The Long and Shorts of It

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PARK CITY (AP)—Just prior to the start of 2009-10 season, owner Dave Barton prophetically stated, "The fates didn't allow us to win it all last year. While we unquestionably had a championship-caliber team, our old logos wouldn't have produced championship-caliber merchandise."

"PC" stands for "pretty cool."

The logos of the WFBL have always been as big a part of the league as the actual games, if not bigger. That's why redesigning their identity was the most offseason important move the Sundancers could have made (unless you count reuniting Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant). The numbers don't lie:

Old logo: 3 Years, 0 Championships
New Logo: 1 Year, 1 Championship

Park City's 7-2 Concludings victory not only brought a resounding end to Zermatt's reign of terror, but as per tradition, it also earned Barton his choice of communally funded WFBL merchandise.



















All hail the mighty Wasatch Conference.

"It came down to custom shorts or that fabulous 5th Season commemorative necktie available in the league store," explained Barton. "Words cannot describe how difficult this decision was. Given the tie's lack of musical capability, I decided it could wait 'til next year."

This Week in the WFBL—2010 Concludings

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Dancers' Dynamic Duo Decimates Defending Champs


















"Oh, what a feeling, when we're sundancing on the ceiling!"

PARK CITY (AP)—For the last two seasons, the Park City Sundancers have had little trouble blowing out the riffraff of the league while consistently underwhelming on the big stage. Not this time.

Hotly anticipated by at least two people, Park City's Concludings rematch with the Zermatt Abominables was close in the early going, but the Sundancers soon put their game into high gear after a fiery pep talk from owner Dave Barton, "All right now, I don't want them to win a single category! You ATTACK ALL WEEK! If they even make it look close, I swear I'll take every last one of you out. You make sure they remember—FOREVER—the week they played the Sundancers! Leave no doubt!"

And leave no doubt they did, dominating Zermatt, 7-1-1 (a 9-0 was in play on the final day of competition). Everyone got in on the act for the Sundancers. Brook Lopez finally justified Park City's controversial midseason trade with Rigby. Gerald Wallace played the "glue guy" as he has done so well all season, while managing to avoid a major injury one last time. And Derrick Rose gave as good a performance as the Sundancers have come to expect from their point guard spot.

However, the story for the newly minted champs was once again Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant. Durant was stellar, shooting 51% from the field and 93% from the line, while compiling 5 threes, 33 rebounds, 8 blocks, 125 points. But with the possibility of this being his last series in a Sundancer uniform, Wade was just a little better. He turned in a virtuoso performance of 65% field goal shooting, 26 rebounds, 35 assists, 11 steals, 7 blocks, and 101 points to earn his first Concludings EBP.

To his credit, Durant seemed happy to defer the spotlight to his teammate once again. "I've been coming in second in EBP voting all season, so I'm used to it," said Durant. "Really, I don't mind being Robin to D-Wade's Batman, aside from the ridiculous yellow cape and itchy green tights."

But is this the swan song for Park City's dynamic duo? After reaching 92 wins for two consecutive seasons, claiming two conference titles, and now winning the WFBL championship, it seems the only way to bring Wade back is by improbably landing the #1 pick in next year's draft lottery.



















Can Kevin "Nightwing" Durant soar to greater heights out from under Wade's cape next year?

Meanwhile, as the Sundancers were combining to form the basketball equivalent of Voltron, the two-time defending champs were in a state of disarray. Forced to rely on a rusty Chris Paul, an immature Andray Blaaaatche, and an under-the-weather Monta Ellis, the A-Boms fell short in their quest to become the first team to three-peat in WFBL history. But considering the league has only been around five years, there's certainly no shame in that.

A good sport in the loss, League Commissioner and Zermatt owner Ben Barnes (maybe you've heard of him?) refused to play the asterisk card, "There really was no combination of players I could have thrown out there that would have beaten Park City this week. What can I do? I already made plenty of preventative excuses for my team not being very good this year. I'll just leave it at that."






















Park City does what only Bayside has done before—take down the Commish in the Concludings. That sounded a lot more impressive before Bayside was mentioned.

Around the Playoff Consolation Ladder

Gators 6, Iguanas 3

Trojans 5, Jai-Rai 3, Trojans 1

Around the Consolation Ladder

Kings 6, SnowBees 3

Stratagem 6, Butchers 3

Underdogs 6, Tigers 3

Conference Concludings Game of the Week Voting Results:

Zermatt Abominables 3 (60%)
Park City Sundancers 2 (40%)

Conference Concludings EBP:

Darren Collison, Zermatt—4 votes (66% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Apr 8-18 2007

First-class stamp: $0.41

Gallon of milk: $3.59

#1 Song:"Don't Matter"—Akon
#1 Movie: "Disturbia"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at the WFBL Concludings from 2007 (Apr 8-18). In honor of the Abominables' loss in this year's Concludings, we highlight the only other time the two-time champs came away empty handed—their 9-0 pasting at the hands of surprising Bayside—as a reminder to A-Bom fans that, hey, it could have been (and was) much worse.

WFBL CONCLUDINGS, APR 8-18, 2007

They're Grrrrrrrreat! Tigers Maul A-Boms, Complete Remarkable Turnaround

BAYSIDE (AP)—A year ago the Bayside Tigers were the West Valley Squackboxes and the laughing stock of professional basketball.

Now, they're kings of the world.

The Tigers maintained their ownership of the Zermatt Abominables, dominating every statistical category in a 9-0 Concludings victory.

"Surf's up Zermatt!" bellowed Vince Carter, winner of the 2007 Concludings EBP. "The Tigers are on the prowl!"

Overlooked seemingly the entire season by members of the media, the Tigers are overlooked no more, not just winning on the biggest stage, but dominating.

"I think we should have a recall vote on the regular season EBP trophy," said a rancorous Shawn Marion, referring to the disappearance of Kevin Garnett in the Concludings (see story below). "How can you be beneficial if you aren't even playing? You can't!!!"

Bayside's worst-to-first story is a tale of hope for every owner and coach in the WFBL, a story that begins with putridity, ends in jubilation, and has a little bit of name change/franchise relocation in the middle.

"I think our fans in West Valley can appreciate what has happened here, even though we bailed on them and blamed the city they live in for our poor play last year," said center Marcus Camby. "And when I say 'our' poor play, I don't mean mine, because I wasn't playing for us last year."

"You know, all season long, it seemed like it was 'Zermatt this' and 'Sundancers that'—there was even a bunch of 'SnowBees here' and 'Iguanas there'. Heck, the Sand Dunes got more pub than we did," said Carter, obviously happy to make WFBL and AP writers pen a story about Bayside winning, and not about one of their other precious darling teams.

"But it's all about Bayside now, baby!"

Coach Rich Lachowsky, who undoubtedly must be enjoying this, could not be reached for comment. But if he were to be reached, he surely would have something witty and interesting to say, possibly including a derision of either the Abominables, coach Barnes, the league in general, or all three.

Abominables, Barnes Left with Questions; KG's Love Misguided

ZERMATT(AP)—"All I can do is tip my hat and call the Tigers my daddies."

Those were the solemn words of Zermatt Abominables coach Ben Barnes as he was cornered in a hallway after the 9-0 pummeling suffered at the hands of Bayside in the 2007 WFBL Concludings.

Was it only a year ago that Barnes was hoisting the platinum trophy that bares his name, as coach of the Magna Township Underdogs? Have a mere twelve months passed since Bayside—then the West Valley Squackboxes—finished dead last and were a broken franchise?

"But it could be worse, you know," Barnes continued. "I could be still sitting under a mango tree with only a nickel to my name. I mean, I'm the Commissioner of the greatest basketball league in the world, regardless of who ended up winning the title.

"But honestly, KG, what were you thinking?"

Barnes, of course was referring to regular season EBP Kevin Garnett, who, according to sources, had an "epiphany" a few days into the Concludings.

"I figured, sure we could beat Bayside and win the Concludings title, getting myself a championship for the first time in my storied career," said Garnett. "But then I thought about our team, and their draft status for next season. That's when I knew that losing the Concludings would ensure Zermatt of getting a higher draft pick, and therefore, help their chances of selecting me again."

Garnett, in order to carry out his ill-conceived scheme, pretended to have an injury and did not play the rest of the Concludings, with Andre Iguodala following suit. That led to a 9-0 demolishing at the hands of arch-rival Bayside, the most lopsided outcome in playoff history.

"Poor, misguided Kevin," said Barnes. "I can't help but feel responsible a little bit. I should have reminded my players that the WFBL draft is totally random and is not affected in any way by a team's previous history, so pretending you are injured and costing your team a championship is not outweighed by moving up from the number 10 to the number 9 pick in the draft, if it even worked that way. My bad."

"I love my team, and this city, and I only meant for the best," Garnett said. "It were only farce, I meant no harm."

Concludings Preview

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2010 Concludings









For the first time ever, the Concludings feature a rematch. A year ago, the 'Dancers were the favorites and got dropped by Zermatt. Can Park City play up to its potential when it matters most? Can the A-Boms continue their unlikely run of scrapping together just enough for a victory? Will the return of CP3 be enough for the A-Boms to overcome the 'Dancers once again, making it three straight titles? Or will Park City finally end Barnes' reign of terror?

Season Series: Abominables, 9-8-1







Seed: 1 Record: 86-70-6








Seed: 1 Record: 92-66-4


FIELD GOAL %: The Sundancers finished the regular season fourth in this category, but the Wasatch champs have gotten a bit cold lately. The A-Boms, however, finished ninth this season but have been getting better production lately from, of all people, Monta Ellis. We'll take Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant over a streaky Ellis any day.

EDGE:









FREE THROW%: Once again, the A-Boms finished the regular season as one of the worst free-throw shooters in the league (10th place) and regularly concede the category. Park City on the other hand shoot over 80% as a team from the line. With Wade and Durant getting to the line a combined 20 times per game (making almost 86%), this one shouldn't be close.

EDGE:








THREE-POINTERS: Don't let that third-place ranking fool you; ever since Zermatt decided to go big with Josh Smith at SF, the A-Boms haven't won the threes category (they last won it in Week 15, against Park City, coincidentally). The Sundancers aren't much better though, but Wade, Durant, and returning PF Gerald Wallace should be just enough to give the 'Dancers the edge.

EDGE:








REBOUNDS: Park City can rebound with the best of them, and the return of Wallace should only help their cause. But if there's one thing the A-Boms excel at, it's rebounding. With Smith, Andray Blatche, and Al Jefferson all averaging over 8.5 rebounds per game, the A-Boms should be able to snare their first category.

EDGE:








ASSISTS: Assists have never really been Park City's forte, but this week, so much hinges on the level of play that Chris Paul can put forth after his extended absence. At 100%, there's no better distributor of the rock than Paul, and along with Ellis and Smith, the A-Boms should be set. Having said that, who knows how much rust CP3 needs to shake off to be effective? We think not much.

EDGE:








STEALS: The 'Dancers have some great thieves in Wade and Wallace, but this is the A-Boms' dominant category once again. Paul, Ellis, and Smith all average over 2 steals a game, and should be able to lead Zermatt to a categorical victory going away.

EDGE:








BLOCKS: Normally this would be a no-brainer edge in favor of the Abominables. But we all know what Wade's capable of, and Marc Gasol will be missing his second straight week due to injury. That said, the combo of Smith, Blatche, and Jefferson should be enough for the A-Boms to swat away the competition

EDGE:








TURNOVERS: Park City ranked dead last in turnovers, and if anyone in their organization tells you they expect to win this category, they're lying to you. The A-Boms were great at holding onto the ball, but lately have struggled, as Blatche, Smith, and Ellis all average over 2.5 turns per game. Even with Collison out (4.5 turnovers/game) and Paul in, this one's too close to call.

EDGE: TIE


POINTS: The only chance the A-Boms have here is to have more games this week (nope, even) or hope for some sort of injury on the 'Dancers (possible, not likely). Fact is the 'Dancers just plain don't lose points. Barton has created a scoring machine, and with the league's second and fifth leading scorers (Durant and Wade, respectively) should have no trouble taking care of business, points-wise.

EDGE:








PREDICTION: 4-4-1 TIE

And according to WFBL rules, Park City wins the tiebreaker by having the better regular-season record. But consider this: For the first time ever, the previous season's tote bag winner did not make the Concludings, so all bets are off. Having said that, Commissioner Barnes-led teams are 3-1 in the title game, while Dave Barton-led teams are 0-1. And on top of that, the Abominables own this year's Oaken Skis of Yore, winning the overall head-to-head battle. But don't forget, last year Park City came in to the Concludings with the Skis, but it was Zermatt that left with the Commissioner Barnes Trophy. At the same time, the A-Boms own a 38-32-2 record all-time against their arch-rivals. Once again, it would appear that this year's Championship will be decided by which team has fewer players miss games.

This Week in the WFBL—Conference Concludings

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Wade, 'Dancers Drum Duncan, Gators for 2nd Wasatch Title




















PARK CITY (AP)—

MONDAY/TUESDAY - REDFORD ARENA

The Park City Sundancers and Twin Falls Gators square off in the Wasatch Concludings for the second year in a row. The whole affair kinda feels like a rehash. League promoters claim it's due to Peter Cetera's theme song for the rematch, "Glory of Love," failing to generate the same excitement as Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" from the previous year.

WEDNESDAY

It is revealed that Tim Duncan has grown bitter about the Gators' Conference Concludings loss from a year ago. Now under the tutelage of the mysterious Sato (an old nemesis of Park City consultant Kesuke "Mr." Miyagi), Duncan claims Dwyane Wade dishonored him by blocking more shots than he did in the deciding game (4-0).

THURSDAY - PARK CITY LOCKER ROOM, BEFORE TIP-OFF

Park City has fallen behind Twin Falls, and Wade is despondent about the absence of Gerald Wallace and Derrick Rose from the starting lineup due to injuries.

Miyagi: Concentrate. Focus. Most important.

Wade: I can't, Mr. Miyagi, not today.

Miyagi: Why?

Wade: Because we're starting George Hill and Paul Millsap, that's why.

Miyagi: When you feel life out of focus, always return to basic of life. Breathe. No breathe, no life. Come, try. Breath out of mouth. Breathe in through nose. In... out... Now how feel?

Wade: Better. More focused.

Miyagi: Good. Now go out and kick butt.

Wade dominates to the tune of 36 points, 10 rebounds, 7 assists, three 3s, a steal and a block, helping Park City to regain the lead.

SUNDAY - TIP-OFF

With the Sundancers leading the Gators 6-3, Duncan dramatically enters the arena on a zip line, grabbing Brook Lopez and putting a knife to his throat.

Duncan: Get back or I kill her!

Lopez: I'm a he!

Miyagi: Duncan, you are one of Gator's best player. No disgrace Twin Falls here.















Duncan: Your student disgrace me. I have been dishonored all because of him.

Wade: For whatever happened, I apologize. Except for the part about beating you guys last year.

Duncan: Apology will not give me back my honor!

Wade: Neither will this.

Duncan: In their eyes it will. No more talk. You play me one-on-one to the death, or I kill her!

Lopez: Still a he!

Duncan: Shut up!

Miyagi: This not tournament. This for real.

Wade: I'm pretty sure this is still a tournament.

Miyagi: Aye. Miyagi prone to hyperbole.















Wade and Duncan begin their one-on-one battle. They are well-matched, but Duncan has the size advantage and gradually gains the upper hand. Following Mr. Miyagi's lead, twenty thousand strong at Redford Arena pull out handheld drums and begin twisting them back and forth. An exhausted Wade regains his composure, knowing what he must do. As Duncan attacks the basket, Wade begins to viciously swing his arms back and forth, blocking a career high five shots to clinch another 5-4 victory. Wade grabs his beaten foe by the hair and cocks his hand back.

Wade: Live or die, man?

Duncan: Die.

Wade: Wrong. Honk!

















With CP3 Sidelined, Whozits and Whatsisnames Lead A-Boms to Fourth Straight Concludings Appearance

ZERMATT (AP)—Another year, another trip to the Concludings.

Undoubtedly the most storied dynasty in the history of the WFBL, the Zermatt Abominables shocked the Iguanas with a 5-4 comeback win in the World Conference Concludings. The win gives the two-time defending champs their fourth straight appearance in the title game, further cementing their dominance over the league.

"I think by far this is the least talented team I've ever assembled," said coach Ben Barnes, who looks to bring his A-Boms an unprecedented third straight Concludings title against arch-rival Park City. "Furthermore, I would like to formally announce my candidacy for Executive of the Year WFBLy. In fact, you might as well start the engraving right now."

But it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows for this year's A-Boms squad. Despite taking an early lead thanks to no-name rookies Darren "Bizarro CP3" Collison—mentored by the injured former EBP—and Marcus Thornton, Zermatt found themselves staring at the end of their championship run. Thanks to a heroic performance from the Iguanas' All-Star center David Lee, the A-Boms entered the final game of Sunday night needing 6 rebs and 13 pts from Andray Blatche—yes, that's right, Andray Blatche—to seal the deal.

"Lee played great Sunday afternoon," said Blatche, a late-season acquisition via trade with Rigby. "The man's a monster. One can only wonder how things would've turned out had he not sat out Friday's game with...what was it? Menstrual cramps? I'm not even sure. But it must've been bad if it forced him to miss time during the World Concludings—his only missed game all season—right?"

The very astute Blatche ended up saving the day for the A-Boms, grabbing the requisite rebounds and scoring the final baskets late in the fourth quarter.

"Let's not give the guy a medal, he still almost lost the thing for us with all the chucking he was doing," said Barnes, who immediately pulled Blatche after scoring the go-ahead points.

This year's scrappy A-Boms are indeed a different sort from the last three. They stared down the barrel of the end of an era, and without any type of All-Star caliber leadership, shoved their finger right in, Bugs Bunny-style. Then the gun exploded on the Iguanas, leaving behind only the charred remains of disappointment.

"Has anyone talked bout how we wore our green uniforms again?" asked Blatche. "I feel like that needs to be mentioned."

Around the Playoff Consolation Ladder

Trojans 4, Jai-Rai 4, Trojans 1

Around the Consolation Ladder

Kings 7, Butchers 2

SnowBees 6, Underdogs 3

Stratagem 4, Tigers 4, Stratagem 1

Conference Concludings Game of the Week Voting Results:

Park City Sundancers 6 (75%)
Twin Falls Gators 2 (25%)

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (63%)
Zermatt Abominables 3 (37%)

Round 1 EBP:

David Lee, Maracaibo—5 votes (71% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Mar 16-22, 2009

First-class stamp: $0.44

Gallon of milk: $3.39

#1 Song:"Right Round"—Flo Rida
#1 Movie: "Knowing"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at the Conference Concludings from 2009 (Mar 16-22). The 'Dancers and A-Boms once again meet in this year's Concludings. A year ago, it took some amazing, last-minute heroics from EBP runner-up Wade-san to get Park City into the title game. Here's to rubbing salt in the wounds, Gator fans!

CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS, MAR 16-22, 2009

Wade, 'Dancers Wax Off Kobe, Gators for Wasatch Title























PARK CITY (AP)—

MONDAY/TUESDAY - REDFORD ARENA, ALL WASATCH BASKETBALL CONCLUDINGS

The two Wasatch finalists, the Park City Sundancers and Twin Falls Gators, treat the crowd to a thrilling montage of high flying dunks, long range shots, blocks, and boards set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around."

WEDNESDAY - TWIN FALLS LOCKER ROOM, JUST BEFORE TIP-OFF

Twin Falls holds the early lead 6-3 lead, but Park City superstar Dwyane Wade has yet to play. He is expected to make his anticipated first appearance tonight. As the team heads towards the tunnel, Gators assistant coach and Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese pulls Al Thornton aside.

Kreese: Al, I want Wade out of commission

Thornton: But Sensei, we can beat these guys!

Kreese: I don't want them just beaten.

Thornton: But I'll get thrown out!

Kreese: Out of commission.















Kreese trains his iron eyes on Thornton. He cannot endure their searing heat. His head drops as Kreese bends him to his will. Thornton tentatively walks over to the Park City bench, jumps high in the air, and lands a flying sidekick to Wade's right hip.

Thornton: I'm sorry, Dwyane! I didn't mean it!

Wade crumples to the floor as Thornton is dragged away amid a shower of boos. The Gators have their way with the Sundancers in the absence of the EBP runner-up.

FRIDAY - PARK CITY LOCKER ROOM, A FEW HOURS BEFORE TIP-OFF

A dejected Dwyane Wade, accompanied by team consultant Kesuke "Mr." Miyagi, lies on the trainers' table, resigned to missing his second straight game after not missing a game all year.

Wade: Mr. Miyagi... you think we had a chance of winning?

Mr. Miyagi: Aye, had good chance.

Wade: Can't you fix my hip with that thing you do? You know, with the clapping and the rubbing, and the hey hey hey, my hip feels better?

Mr. Miyagi: No need play anymore. You prove point.

Wade: What, that I can take a beating? Every time I see the Gators, they'll know they got the best of me. How will I ever have balance in my life? I mean, aside from having more money than I could ever spend and being idolized by millions.

(Pause)

Mr. Miyagi: Close eye.

Miyagi's hands come together, punctuated by a dramatic music note.

FRIDAY - TIP-OFF

Wade emerges from locker room as the crowd goes wild.

Announcer: Dwyane Wade is gonna play? Dwyane Wade is gonna play! This is what it's all about, folks!

SUNDAY - REDFORD ARENA, DECIDING GAME

With their star player once again on the court to galvanize the team, Park City has cut into the Gators once insurmountable lead, now only trailing 5-4. As the Gators call a timeout to regroup, Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese motions for his star pupil, Kobe Bryant.

Kreese: Pummel the hip...you have a problem with that?

Kobe: (scared) No, Sensei.

Kreese: No mercy.















As play resumes, Kobe cheap shots Wade several times in his bruised right hip, but the referees are distracted by Tim Duncan flailing around after getting slightly nudged by Chris Bosh, so no foul is called. Wade limps to the bench, but after a timeout, returns to the floor wearing a traditional Karate Gi. As the Gators dribble up the court with the clock running down, Wade slowly assumes the crane position under the basket by standing on one leg and lifting both arms high into the air. Kobe calls for the ball.

Announcer: 30 seconds remaining...

Rondo: It's over, guys! Get 'em a body bag, yyyeeeah!!!

Kreese: Finish them!

Kobe hears the call of his sensei and drives to the hoop. As he releases the ball, Wade leaps high in the air and blocks the shot. Frustrated, Kobe gets his own rebound and shoots it a second time. And once again, Wade leaps and bats the ball away. Time expires. Kobe stares at the scorer's table in disbelief as he sees that Wade's last two blocked shots are the difference Park City needed to win the blocks category 11-10, and thusly the series, 5-4. The Sundancer crowd storms the court in a wild rush of celebration. A tearful Kobe grabs the Wasatch Concludings trophy and personally hands it to the Sundancer hero.















Kobe: You're all right, Wade. You can be my sleepover buddy any time.

Conference Concluding Previews

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Wasatch Conference Concludings









Deep down, you knew it would come to this. Can the Gators exact revenge on the Sundancers for last year's miraculous D-Wade block?

Season Series: Tied, 9-9-0

Seed: 2
Record: 85-71-6
Outlook: Once again, the Gators show the newly-named EBP who's boss. Will the current exceptional play of D-Will and D-West—along with their two-game advantage on Park City—be enough for Twin Falls to avenge last year's heartbreaker?

Seed: 1
Record: 92-66-4
Outlook: With Derrick Rose ailing and Jameer Nelson with only two games this week, the 'Dancers' title hopes rest on George Hill. Yeah we don't know who he is either. But we do know who Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant are, and despite having fewer games, we think they should have enough to score the victory.


Prediction: 5-4









World Conference Concludings









For the second straight year, it's Igs-A-Boms with a trip to the Concludings on the line. The big question: does Zermatt break out the St. Patty's green once again?

Season Series: Iguanas, 9-8-1

Seed: 2
Record: 83-73-6
Outlook: It was never really in doubt for the Igs against Udorn. A world now rallies around you, Maracaibo, as the second-to-last hope we all have at seeing the Abominable dynasty die. Coach Hopkin gets married this week...what's the over/under on how many times he checks on his team during the reception and/or honeymoon?

Seed: 1
Record: 86-70-6
Outlook: The A-Boms were hoping to get CP3 back in time for their first playoff game, but it looks like that's not going to happen. Zermatt will be hard-pressed to beat a team they lost to a mere two weeks ago, with essentially the same lineup—this time with Marcus Thornton instead of Randy Foye. Having said that, the Concludings have never taken place without a Ben Barnes-led team participating.


Prediction: 6-3

This Week in the WFBL—Week 17

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Less AK is More for Igs, While Less Wade is Still Less for 'Dancers

















Nice try Dwayne, but it's a different world from where you come from.

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—There is an old adage: As Dwyane Wade goes, so goes the Sundancers. Keeping this in mind, Park City's week didn't start off very well when an unfortunate travel mix up saw not Wade stepping off the team plane in Maracaibo, but Dwayne Wayne, a mathematics major at Hillman College.

With weekly rosters already submitted, Park City's legal team worked quickly to uncover an obscure league rule that states, "After lineups are finalized, a substitute can start in place of a designated player if his name features 9 out of the same 10 letters in similar, if not identical, order."

Known around campus for his characteristic flip-up sunglasses and flirtatiousness, but not for his basketball prowess, Wayne felt guilty about the mix up and decided to try suiting up. He played the first game and a half, but kept turning the ball over when he would pause mid-dribble to make eyes at the foxy Venezuelan girls in the stands. Finally, Park City coach Dave Barton kindly thanked him for his efforts, but explained they'd take their chances going 4 on 5.

In addition to this built-in advantage, the Iguanas got standout performances from David Lee and Ray Allen. Plus, guest coach Sinbad pulled all the right strings, including benching Andrei Kirilenko only 9 minutes into his final game due to "back spasms." The surprising move came after Kirilenko made a single basket to secure field goal percentage, but before he had a chance to compile 2 turnovers, resulting in the final score of 6-2-1.

Kirilenko addressed the benching after the game, "I like playing, but I like game much more when it comes with win. It feels twice better.”

Afterstats

The Iguanas broke the all time free throw percentage record this week, shooting an otherworldly 0.9211 from the charity stripe. This narrowly topped the previous mark of 0.9206 set by Nephi last season. Who actually keeps track of this stuff? Oh, just some nameless committee.

The Sundancers continue to give voters reason to pick against them, losing their third of five "Game of the Week" matchups this season, going 19-24-2 overall. And with the real Wade still lost in transit somewhere, Park City will be without him once again as they prepare to take on St. George in week 18.

Around the WFBL

Stratagem 5, Abominables 3, Humanity 1

Gators 6, Kings 2, Your Face 1

Underdogs 7, Tigers 2

Trojans 5, Jai-Rai 3, Jessie's Mom 1

SnowBees 5, Butchers 3, The Children 1

Week 17 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Park City Sundancers 1 (16%)

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (83%)

________________________________________________________

Fun Facts: Feb 18-24, 2008

First-class stamp: $0.42

Average movie ticket price: $7.18

#1 Song:"Low"—Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
#1 Movie: "Vantage Point"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 17 from 2009(Feb 18-24). It was two years ago, but the concept of a "live-blog" was still a revolutionary idea. Who better than the WFBL to try it out on Week 17's Game of the Week, which featured Los Iguanas de Maracaibo (trying to catch first-place St. George) and the Udorn Jai-Rai (hoping to sneak into the playoffs).

WEEK SEVENTEEN, FEB 18-24, 2008

Live-Blogging the Game of the Week

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—You're lookin' live at El Arena de Basquet de Hugo Chávez! It's the WFBL's Week 17 Game of the Week! I'll be your host for this evening, in the first-ever Live Blog of a WFBL game.

2/19/08 9:18 AM Morning Shootaround

I've been to Maracaibo plenty of times, but I'll never get over how green everything is down here. And not just the foliage, but the basketball court too. My goodness who designed this monstrosity?

The teams are warming up and things are not looking good for the Jai-Rai, I can tell you that. Gerald Wallace is not running the drills, but is sitting on the bench and has a small red box above his head with a white cross inside of it. This may not bode well for his availability this week.

5:30 PM Pregame Warmups

'Caibo is 6.5 back of the U-Dogs with five weeks to go, and
despite being a lock for the playoffs, would like a big win here to close the gap. Udorn on the other hand, needs to win and needs some help, as they are in seventh place, 3.5 behind Richmond for the final playoff spot. Grab your Maltín Polar, we got a playoff atmosphere in Maracaibo!

7:30 PM

Wallace's Red box is gone! He's in the game! And he's playing terribly bad. 0-9? Really? Between him, Duncan (2-12), TMac (6-21), and Turkoglu (4-13), Udorn ends up shooting .319. Ouch. D-Will's come to play, and can't seem to miss. Despite the poor shooting and LeBron's triple-double, the visiting Jai-Rai go into Wednesday up 6-3.

2/20/08

The Iguanas mascot sure can get the party started like nothing I've ever seen. He just sprayed confetti all over the Jai-Rai bench! What fun! You know who should be the Igs mascot? Chris Bosh. You paint him green and he looks just like an Iguana.

Speaking of Bosh, he just dropped 40 on Udorn, only missing two shots. Throw in another triple-double from SteakTrash, and darned if 'Caibo isn't feelin' it right now. The Igs have stormed back to take a 7-2 lead. Can the Jai-Rai respond?

2/21/08

We got ourselves a rip-snorter! Udorn, thanks to assists and free throws from Timmy D (!), has cut the Iguana lead down to 5-4. Who would win in a fight? An Iguana or a snake-wielding monkey? You gotta think if a monkey can control a snake enough to wield it, it should have no problem with an Iguana. I think you could even tie one of the monkey's hands behind it's back, it still has that other hand to wield the Iguana. What if the Iguana had a knife for a tail though? I'd like to see that fight.

2/22/08

Bad news for Jai-Rai fans: not only is Gerald Wallace's injury icon back, but it smacked him in the nose and knocked him out cold. No one knows how long Wallace will be out, and things don't bode well for Udorn. Another near-triple-double for LeBron, and the Igs are back up 6-3.

2/23/08

It's still 6-3 Iguanas, but the big news is they got the Dancin' Grannies for the timeout show. One of them I swear looks like she is 100 years old, and I think she's the same lady who hit the half-court shot during an earlier timeout to win a Daewoo. If she dunks off a trampoline through a ring of fire, I don't care how old she is, I'm asking her to marry me.

2/24/08

The Jai-Rai are making a game of this, but it looks like they've run out of time. Another near triple-double by LeBron just about seals it for the Igs, 5-4. Man, Udorn has to be wondering how they would have done had Gerald Wallace not gotten smacked in the nose with that little red box...and 'Caibo has to be frustrated that they lost ground on the U-Dogs despite the win. And I'm frustrated that I now have to try and find a cab ride back to my hotel. Have you ever tried to hail a cab in Venezuela? ¿Dos mil Bolivares? ¡No, vale!

The Igs wouldn't catch the U-Dogs in the standings and the columnist was attacked by bat-wielding "Chavistas" outside his hotel. Hmmm, maybe that's why there hasn't been a WFBL live blog since?

This Week in the WFBL—All-Star Diversion Week

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Smucker's Jam Festival
















What? Me cheat? No way!

As popular as his "OJ and Mayo Jam" was last year, OJ Mayo's entry in the 2010 Smucker's Jam Festival—a new recipe he calls "Mayo and OJ Jam"—was no match for the traditional strawberry jam prepared by Salt Lake SnowBee and Pampered Chef Consultant Pau Gasol, who impressed the event's sponsors by presenting his jam in a Smucker's jar, complete with Smucker's labeling and nutrition information.

"I'd like to thank the people at Pampered Chef," Gasol said during a teary-eyed acceptance speech, "for helping me 'Discover the Chef in [Me].' Without the 8-Inch Chef's knife (no. 1054, $75.00) and the Measure, Mix & Pour (no. 2265, $11.50) and the Salad & Berry Spinner (no. 1785, $55.00), none of this would be possible."

Gasol then invited any fans and media members who would be interested in hosting their own Pampered Chef party to come see him after the press conference. But as the line began forming, it was suddenly discovered that Gasol had not really made his prize-winning jam—he had actually just bought a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam and entered it as his own. When confronted with this accusation, Gasol at first tried to look incredulous and indignant, but finally broke down in tears and confessed.

"It's true! It's all true!" he sobbed. "I can't keep living a lie. There is no 'Chef in [Me].' I thought that purchasing a bunch of overpriced cooking utensils and cookware would make me a good cook—that it would somehow improve the taste of the food I cook with it, but it was all a lie. I have learned my lesson now: the best foods are made only by large corporations that mass-produce their food in huge factories with lots of preservatives."

Despite the Smucker's Corporation's warm approval of this apology, Gasol was nevertheless disqualified from competition and stripped of his prize, which was awarded instead to hometown favorite Andrei Kirilenko of the Iguanas, whose vodka-flavored jam was less than appetizing but got enthusiastic support from the Russian judge, Vladimir Putin. And at least he made it himself.

Master Lock Bill Havlicek Memorial Steal & Hostess Turnover Contest

After implementing sweeping changes for no particular reason, this year's competition barely resembled that of years past. As the only two players in the league to average 2+ steals and 3+ turnovers per game, Dwyane Wade and Monta Ellis were selected to represent their respective conferences.

The revised rules were simple. Whoever could maintain possession for five seconds would be declared the winner. The ball was placed at center court as Wade and Ellis shook hands, turned back to back, then walked a set number of paces like an old-timey duel. Each player then turned and lunged for the ball, which squirted away like a hot potato slathered in vaseline.

The ball changed hands countless times over the next 30 minutes. As one player would grab the ball and start dribbling, the other player would poke it loose, dive after it, and so on and so forth. Wade eventually triumphed by grabbing the ball and shoving it under his jersey for the required 5 seconds before it slipped out the right leg of his shorts.

Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge


















Wow! Look at Dwight soar to get that rebound! Is he almost using two hands?

Dwight Howard, two-time defending champion of the Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge, knew that in order to three-peat this year, he'd have to do something special.

"This contest, which has traditionally been the highlight of Diversion Weekend," Howard explained just minutes before taking the court to defend his title, "has been suffering from a lack of originality the past few years. Of course every fan loves a good rebound, but there's kind of a 'been there, done that' attitude—a sense from fans that they've already seen every possible kind of rebound. Well, this year, I hope to change all that."

With that enticing introduction, Howard removed his warmups to reveal a Superman costume, to the thunderous approval of the crowd. He then provided the first surprise of the night by announcing that, rather than rebounding missed shots from a teammate (as is traditional in the rebound challenge), he would rebound his OWN missed free throws. Next he threw the fans into hysteria by missing wildly from the free-throw line and creatively rebounding his misses in every way imaginable: by grasping the ball with his right hand and securing it with his left, then by grasping it with his left hand and securing it with his right. Finally, with the capacity crowd holding its collective breath, he grabbed his final rebound with BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME. At first no one could believe it, but when slow-motion replays on the jumbotron confirmed that both hands touched the ball at exactly the same moment, the arena simply erupted.

Unfortunately for Howard, the panel of judges—consisting of Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, his Bolivian puppet Evo Morales, former Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-il, and the earthly remains of Ivan the Terrible—were unimpressed. In fact, they penalized Howard 3,000 points for "holding political ideologies that are disloyal to Communism and to the welfare of the State" and 4,000 points for "apparent sympathies toward the United States and its capitalistic corruption." Similar penalties were assessed to other participants, including Bayside's Chris Bosh, the Iguanas' Joakim Noah, and Richmond's Marcus Camby, leaving each with a negative score.

As a result, the winner of the 2010 Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge was Yao Ming, a late addition to the contest who has not played a single game this season because of injury and actually can't even stand up without help. With a final score of zero, Yao easily finished with the most points and accepted his award via videoconference from his small, concrete, government-issued apartment in China. His acceptance speech—in which he attributed his victory to the paternal care of the Communist Party and to the principles of Social Marxism that have forever guided his life—was met with thunderous yet dignified applause played at high volume over the arena's sound system.

Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out
















After staging a relatively quiet event last year, fans and officials alike were hoping for another traditional, old school throw-down—sans weaponry. But just as the bell sounded for the semifinal bout between Rasheed Wallace and Kendrick Perkins, the door to the jungle court was splintered by an axe. And who should stick his head through the gaping hole but suspended Gilbert Arenas, proclaiming, "Heeeeeere's Gilby!"

Fortunately, league security acted quickly, shooting the crazed Arenas with horse tranquilizer before dragging him away. Sporting unkept hair and wearing only rags, one can only speculate that Arenas has been living in the Venezuelan jungle since his suspension, foraging for sustenance while waiting for a chance to exact revenge on former teammate Kobe Bryant. But living a transient life also surely means he must have missed the announcement that Kobe wouldn't be participating in any All Star festivities due to injury.

Thus the Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out was declared over before it really got started, and the top prize was awarded to the aforementioned members of league security for their quick thinking and razor sharp aim. However, lost in all the excitement was why they were toting horse tranquilizer in the first place.

Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival











"Put yo hands UP!"

The Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival never disappoints, and this year was no exception. First up was Redickulous, filling in for last year's winner, The Jonas/Korver Brothers. After a few minutes it was clear that Redickulous is a one-trick pony, as the band of Rigby Trojans headlined by JJ Redick repeatedly played their one "hit"—DOOOOOOO-HAN!—despite the judges' insistence that they perform a new arrangement.

Next up was the entire World Conference All-Stars—featuring Jeff Bridges, Kanye West, Billy Crystal, and other assorted stars from music, television and movies—singing a special musical number called "We Are the World (Conference)" as a tribute to the people of Thailand and the 2004 tsunami relief effort. It was a stirring rendition, and most definitely would have won were it not for West incessantly "singing" out of turn ("I'ma let you finish, but the Wasatch is the best conference of all time. Of all time!)

But in what will undoubtedly be the talk of All-Star Diversion Week, the evening ended with Kobe Bryant—who up until now was thought to have been enjoying his break in Udorn, resting his ailing ankle—and LeBron James, decked in black leotards and singing their version of the Beyoncé hit "All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)", entitled "All the Superstars (Put a Ring on It)".

"It was an obvious slap in the face to the management of both the Twin Falls Gators and Los Iguanas de Maracaibo," said judge Phil Jackson. "The lyrics were poignant—especially the chorus, 'if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it'—you could feel the bitterness of the two EBPs up there. It was a liberating message to all those teams who don't take advantage of having an EBP on their team. I guess if the Gators and the Igs liked 'em, they shoulda won a ring!"









The 'Dancers have a two-game lead on the Gators with three weeks to go, and need to create as much breathing room as they can as a Week 19 date with Twin Falls looms. The Igs need a win in a bad way to not only keep pace with the A-Boms, but to fend off the Jai-Rai, who trail Maracaibo by two games for the final World playoff spot.