Salt Lake SnowBees

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TEAM: Salt Lake SnowBees
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: Wasatch Conference
OWNER: Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Salt Lake SnowBees, 05-06 2nd Place, 06-07 9th Place, 07-08 6th Place, 08-09 9th Place
LOCATION: Salt Lake City, Utah
ARENA: SnowHive Court at Mr. Mac Arena
MOTTO: "A Solid Commitment to Meeting Reasonable Expectations"
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Nobody in particular

SEASON OUTLOOK

For the most part, Salt Lake SnowBees fans (those who are left, anyway—the last couple seasons have driven most into extinction and the rest into hiding) are a tame, submissive breed. As long as you talk to them in a quiet voice and never, ever mention the name Shawn Marion, they probably won't hurt you. Even so, for your own safety, it's best not to let the conversation turn to basketball at all—if, that is, the security guards at the state mental institution even let you talk to them.

Season after season of inflated expectations followed by gross underachievement can do that to a fan base. It's taking its toll on the players as well—even the normally cute and cuddly returnees Pau Gasol and Dirk Nowitzki have been a bit testy lately. Talk to them about offshore oil drilling or stem-cell research, and they'll be witty, fair-minded, and pleasant. Ask them how it feels to be brought back for another season in a SnowBees uniform, and they'll start tearing their arm hairs out.

So the upcoming WFBL season, needless to say, is a sore subject. It's kind of a shame, too, because this year's edition of the SnowBees could be one of the best ever. The frontcourt combo of Gasol and Nowitzki is formidable, even without their arm hairs. Jose Calderon gives Salt Lake the point guard they used to only fantasize about. Swingman Josh Smith is versatile and shot-blocky. And the bench includes multiple players who are not as crappy as you might think.

Of course, Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes returns as coach-owner, so you'll have to temper some of that optimism. But this team almost looks good enough to coach itself, which could reduce the Beekeeper to little more than an interesting distraction on the SnowBees' path to—dare we say it?—the 2010 Concludings.

Just don't say it too loudly.


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Rigby Trojans

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TEAM: Rigby Trojans
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: Wasatch Conference
OWNER: Nathan Wallace
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Rigby Trojans: 06-07 3rd Place, 07-08 12th Place, 08-09 10th Place
LOCATION: Rigby, Idaho
ARENA: Philo T. Farnsworth Center
MOTTO: "We Will Be Brave! We Will Be Strong! We Will Keep the Name of Rigby Feared and Respected!"
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Abominables

SEASON OUTLOOK

As far as the "direction that things have been looking" for the Rigby Trojans goes, "up" hasn't really been the bearing of choice. More often than not, "down" (and occasionally "sideways") has been the norm. But all that changed one fateful Labor Day morning, when Nathan Wallace's franchise was awarded their first ever #1 spot in the WFBL Draft.

A fine spot to find oneself, to be sure, but whom to pick? For Wallace and the Trojans, it was a no-brainer. "It was LeBron all the way," said Wallace. "He's on TV way more than anyone else, he does this thing where he throws chalk in the air—which is awesome—and he has a movie coming out about how he's not only a fantastic player, but is also a great teammate. These are all tell-tale signs of a sure-fire #1 draft pick."

Aside from LeBron—the consummate teammate—Rigby has loaded their lineup with returning starters Vince Carter and Brook Lopez, as well as newcomers Carlos Boozer and Tony Parker. With a lineup like that, the Trojans will surely be considered preseason favorites to win the Wasatch crown.

But one wonders: will Wallace regret passing on Paul, leaving the reigning league EBP to wreak havoc in Zermatt as the A-Boms try to three-peat? The Rigby coach seems unruffled. "I never quite understood what the big deal is with Chris Paul, anyway. We had him in 06-07, and we didn't win no stinkin' Concludings."

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Richmond Butchers

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TEAM: Richmond Butchers
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: World Conference
OWNER: Diana and Ben Edgell
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Richmond Butchers, 07-08 3rd Place, 08-09 11th Place
LOCATION: Richmond, Virginia
ARENA: The Joan Dome
MOTTO: Give me the Concludings, or give me death!
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Abominables

SEASON OUTLOOK

On March 23, 1775, a man wearing a wig and hosiery named Patrick Henry (name of the man, not the wig or the hosiery) stood before the House of Burgesses in St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia, and spoke these immortal words: "I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!" That pretty much riled up the crowd, and they went out and kicked their British oppressors in the pants.

But that was a really long time ago, and a lot of people don't remember it. Much more fresh on everyone's mind is something else that happened in Richmond: the Butchers lost a lot of games last season—enough to leave them dead last in the WFBL (or second to last if you count Bayside).

But that was last season; this season the Butchers have acquired superstar forward Kevin Garnett, who stood before a draft-day rally in Richmond last week, himself wearing a wig and hosiery, and shouted, "I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me the Concludings, or give me death!" The assembled fans got all excited, much as those Burgesses once did, while Richmond's elder statesman, Jason Kidd, dressed up as Benjamin Franklin, nodded his approval.

Can Garnett and Kidd, along with newcomers Carmelo Anthony and Marcus Camby, lead the Butcher Revolution and unseat the World Conference's tyrant, the Zermatt Abominables? I don't know about you, but I'm not inclined to contradict Kevin Garnett when he's shouting like that, even if he's wearing a wig and hosiery.


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