Monday, October 19, 2009

Twin Falls Gators

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TEAM: Twin Falls Gators
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: Wasatch Conference
OWNER: Shaun Adams
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Twin Falls Gators, 06-07 7th Place, 07-08 2nd Place, 08-09 3rd Place
LOCATION: Twin Falls, Idaho
ARENA: The Farm at Twin Falls
MOTTO: Gator Done!
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Abominables, Jai-Rai, Sundancers


SEASON OUTLOOK

For the first time in their franchise's history, Kobe Bryant will not be suiting up for the Twin Falls Gators. While some might see his absence as a negative, Gator brass are spinning the loss of the former EBP as a step in the right direction.

"Kobe was such a mismatch for Twin Falls," said owner Shaun Adams. "Kobe in this town was like wearing a pair of gym shoes with an evening gown. Twin Falls being the gym shoes, and Kobe being the evening gown, of course."

"Twin Falls really isn't well-known for being the home of famous celebrities," echoed first-round draft pick Deron Williams, the second-best point guard in the WFBL. "I mean, the most famous person to come out of Twin Falls...hang on let me google it...yeah, see I don't know who any of those people are."

"This is an unassuming place," continued Adams. "So we went out and filled the roster with some unassuming, 'low-key" guys, to borrow a phrase. Williams, who, when you hear his name, automatically makes you think of how much better Chris Paul is; Tim Duncan, who I'm pretty sure is a deaf mute, because he never talks in practice and is perpetually staring wide-eyed, straight ahead; Lamar Odom-Kardashian, who isn't even the most famous person in his own family; OJ Mayo, who's really only known for being named after the famous Heisman Trophy winner/acquitted murderer/breakfast beverage/lunch condiment; and David West, a guy who only agreed to play here because he still hadn't sold his house from a few years ago."

Is it possible that this group of no-names can take the Gators to a Concludings title, something Mr. Flashy Dress Bryant could never do? Williams likes his team's odds.

"Hey, it's not about just one player, it's about all five of us coming together and being the best te....I mean seriously, Ralf Youtz, the original drummer for Built to Spill? That's the best this town can do? Even Rigby has the inventor of the television!"

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo

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TEAM: Los Iguanas de Maracaibo
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: World Conference
OWNER: Fran Hopkin
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Weber Mexican Hairless, 05-06 3rd Place, Los Iguanas de Maracaibo, 06-07 4th Place, 07-08 5th Place, 08-09 4th Place
LOCATION: Maracaibo, Venezuela
ARENA: La Arena de Básquet de Hugo Chávez
MOTTO: "¡Adios Los LeBraunas; Hola Los Iguodalas!"
MOST-HATED RIVALS: SnowBees, Abominables, Tigers


SEASON OUTLOOK

There is a tale that every Venezuelan child knows by heart. It is a story of perseverance. Of empowerment. Of Venezuelan independence. And going into the 2009-10 WFBL campaign, it's a tale that coach Fran Hopkin is hoping will inspire his rag-tag group of castaways and role players into achieving the impossible.

"Gather round, men, and I'll tell you a tale," Hopkin told his new band of brothers, gathered around a campfire in a remote Amazonian jungle. "Venezuela wasn't always the powerful, fear-inducing nation it is today. No, no—Venezuela, much like the Iguanas, tried for years to claim their independence. Many uprisings were planned; many times a republic was meant to be formed; many empty declarations of supremacy were made; but just as often, those attempts were demolished. Whether by internal strife or by natural disaster, our great country could not get itself out from under the oppression of European rule."

"European rule? You mean like Switzerland, coach?" asked Chauncey Billups, starting point guard and the only returning starter from last season's World Conference Concludings participants.

"Um, sure, Spanish, Swiss, it's all good. But then, along came a man who would be our country's hero, a man you know as LeBrón Bolívar!" Hopkin paused as the forest was overcome with audible excitement. "He was to be the man who took us to the promised land. But even though this great man helped further the cause of independence by getting sovereignty granted, he left to try and help other nations gain that ultimate glory. It is that freedom—that true freedom—that was not declared. Until a little known man by the name of José Andre Iguodala de Páez led the Great Rebellion, doing what the much-hyped (and frankly overrated, in my opinion) LeBrón Bolívar could not—proclaim the creation of the New Republic of Venezuela!"

"Wow, coach I can see a lot of similarities between the history of our team and the history of Venezuela's independence!" said David Lee after the cheers had subsided. "Sounds like you're comparing all the team's promising starts and frustrating finishes to that of Venezuela's."

"And it seems like you're saying that LeBron wasn't all he's cracked up to be, since even though he won an EBP he wasn't able to win us a Concludings title," said returning shooting guard Ray Allen. "Much less help us beat the oppressive Abominables when it mattered most."

"Wait a second. If that's what you're saying, then that must mean...," the voice of Andris Biedrins trailed and coach Hopkin nodded as the Iguana players, eyes widening, first looked at each other and then slowly shifted their gaze to newly acquired shooting guard Andre Iguodala, who was busy stuffing his face with s'mores.

"My friends. Forget Los LeBraunas de Maracaibo," said Hopkin. "Say hello to Los Iguodalas de Maracaibo!"


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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Nephi Stratagem

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TEAM: Nephi Stratagem
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: Wasatch Conference
OWNER: Justin Banks
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Nephi Stratagem, 07-08 11th Place, 08-09 5th Place
LOCATION: Nephi, Utah
ARENA: The Arena of Liberty
MOTTO: "In Memory of Our God, Our Religion, and Freedom, and Our Peace, Our Wives, and Our Children!"
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Sundancers


SEASON OUTLOOK

With Yao Ming moving on to bigger and better hospitals, one of Nephi's primary needs on draft day was a dominant big man to compliment returning shooting guard Brandon Roy. And when Nephi's #8 pick came around, owner Justin Banks didn't waiver in his decision to draft Chris Bosh for a full 7 or 8 seconds, at which point he changed his pick to Amar'e Stoudemire.

"Chris is coming off a career year with Park City, and he's really going to fit in here nicely," expounded Banks. "Wait, did I say Chris? I meant Amar'e. And when I said he is coming off a career year with Park City, I meant he is coming off a disappointing season in which a freak eyeball injury caused him to miss the playoffs and derail Park City's Concludings chances. Same difference."

Joining Roy and Bosh, er, Stoudemire on the Stratagem starting line will be a young nucleus of Rajon Rondo, Rudy Gay and LaMarcus Aldridge. The always unconventional Nephi management also surprised many when they used a late round draft pick to bring back disgraced former star Tracy McGrady as a team health advisor.


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