Richmond Butchers

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TEAM: Richmond Butchers
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: World Conference
OWNER: Diana and Ben Edgell
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Richmond Butchers, 07-08 3rd Place, 08-09 11th Place
LOCATION: Richmond, Virginia
ARENA: The Joan Dome
MOTTO: Give me the Concludings, or give me death!
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Abominables

SEASON OUTLOOK

On March 23, 1775, a man wearing a wig and hosiery named Patrick Henry (name of the man, not the wig or the hosiery) stood before the House of Burgesses in St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia, and spoke these immortal words: "I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!" That pretty much riled up the crowd, and they went out and kicked their British oppressors in the pants.

But that was a really long time ago, and a lot of people don't remember it. Much more fresh on everyone's mind is something else that happened in Richmond: the Butchers lost a lot of games last season—enough to leave them dead last in the WFBL (or second to last if you count Bayside).

But that was last season; this season the Butchers have acquired superstar forward Kevin Garnett, who stood before a draft-day rally in Richmond last week, himself wearing a wig and hosiery, and shouted, "I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me the Concludings, or give me death!" The assembled fans got all excited, much as those Burgesses once did, while Richmond's elder statesman, Jason Kidd, dressed up as Benjamin Franklin, nodded his approval.

Can Garnett and Kidd, along with newcomers Carmelo Anthony and Marcus Camby, lead the Butcher Revolution and unseat the World Conference's tyrant, the Zermatt Abominables? I don't know about you, but I'm not inclined to contradict Kevin Garnett when he's shouting like that, even if he's wearing a wig and hosiery.


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Bayside Tigers

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TEAM: Bayside Tigers
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: World Conference
OWNER: Rich Lachowsky
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: West Valley Squackboxes, 05-06 4th Place; Bayside Tigers, 06-07 WFBL Champs, 07-08 10th Place, 08-09 12th Place
LOCATION: Bayside, California
ARENA: Richard Belding Memorial Arena
MOTTO: C'mon everybody, let's do the... the Sprain!
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): SnowBees, Abominables, Iguanas

SEASON OUTLOOK

Bayside faithful had better become familiar with default starters Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Mehmet Okur, and returnees Caron Butler and Baron Davis. Barring any unforeseen philosophy changes by Rich Lachowsky, this will be their starting 5 for the duration of the season. The famously loyal owner has made a habit of sticking with his starters through thick and thin, injury and health, hot streaks and slumps.

Davis, who was certain his two year stay in Bayside had at last come to end, was shocked when Bayside's number came up on draft day and he happened to be the best available player at one of their vacant positions. What are the chances? Still, the now third year Tiger has confessed he could handle another year in Southern California—on one condition.

"Would it kill Rich to give me a week off every now and then?" opined Davis. "Last season my shooting hand got caught in a table sander, and he still refused to sit me. Let me tell you, it took considerable skill to shoot 37% from the field with this mangled, skinless paw."

Celebrating 5 seasons in the WFBL, and one of the WFBL's original four franchises, the Bayside Tigers have finished at or near the bottom of the pile year after year, save their legendary run during the 2007 playoffs. And that one fluky brush with success has given Lachowsky the confidence to stay the course. After all, however bumpy the road gets, he'll always have 2007.

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¡No, No Podemos!

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All-Star Game Announcement Sparks International Controversy

ZERMATT, SWITZERLAND (AP)—When the WFBL sneezes, the whole world catches a cold. We're all used to that by now. But the league's recent decision to hold the 2010 All-Star Game on a 3,200-foot mountain in Venezuela—well, that was one of those wet, sloppy, tissue-busting sneezes, and it seems to have set off an international incident.

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, SnowBees center Pau Gasol criticized the decision shortly after it was announced, complaining that playing basketball in thin air at high altitudes gives him "dry, flaky skin."

"I have very fair complexion, and in order to keep the healthy glow you see right now before you, my skin must remain always moisturized," Gasol said, his skin ruddy and shiny. "This is very difficult in thin air. I use up many bottles of lotion as it is. Who will pay for extra bottles I need for the All-Star game? Commissioner Barnes?"

Commissioner Barnes reportedly tried to low-key the criticism by privately assuring Gasol, who has never been an All-Star, that he would not be invited to the 2010 festivities. But word of Gasol's comments, like an overused Kleenex, soon leaked, and fair-skinned European players across the league added their nonnative English-speaking voices to the chorus of criticism.

"Pau right," said Russian star Andrei Kirilenko. "I maybe not speak the English very good, but I know right sayings when I hears them. Basketball on mountain not good."

"My skin, too, suffers at high altitudes," added German forward Dirk Nowitzki. "Most people don't know this, but I pose as a hand model in the offseason. I work really hard all season not to damage my hands by shooting only three-pointers and by never extending my arms on defense—you know, to keep my hands camera-pretty. But if I have to play on a mountain in Venezuela, my knuckles will get all red and cracked and ugly. Commissioner Barnes is making the world less beautiful with this decision. I urge him to reconsider."

Commissioner Barnes has his supporters, however—most of them thinly disguised dictators like himself, including Venezuelan president Hugh Chavez, who promised to raise tariffs on sales of Venezuelan hand lotions to the native countries of players who criticize the 2010 All-Star site. He also hinted that he might start a nuclear war with them too. In a sign of solidarity, Bolivian president and Chavez-wannabe Evo Morales played in a basketball game on Bolivia's highest mountain and afterwards posed for a commercial for dishwashing liquid.

With Latin America's leftist powers firmly on his side, it seems unlikely that Barnes will reverse his decision. However, considering the number of delicate-skinned Europeans in the league, pressure may continue to mount between now and Diversion Weekend in February.

Just in case, Commish, Pau's favorite brand of hand lotion is Creative Scentsations, raspberry-pomegranate scent. Aisle 24 at Wal-Mart.

2010 All-Star: On A Whole 'Nother Level

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2010 WFBL ALL-STAR TO TAKE PLACE ON TOP OF ANGEL FALLS IN VENEZUELA

LA GRAN SABANA (La Verdad)—The WFBL has been called a lot of things, but "ascared of heights" isn't one of them.

In a press conference from the top of Angel Falls, the world's largest waterfall, WFBL Commissioner Ben Barnes—along with Los Iguanas de Maracaibo owner Fran Hopkin and Venezuela dictator Hugo Chavez—announced that the 2010 WFBL All-Star festivities will be played entirely on top of the Venezuelan tourist attraction.

"We've held this great event in so many famous cities known for their great tourist attractions," said Barnes, who, along with Hopkin and Chavez, arrived at the press conference via Commish-copter. "New York, New Orleans, Switzerland, Salt Lake City. I would say 'world's highest waterfall' fits under that same category.

"It's our fifth season. we figured having the game played in a jungle 3,212 feet above ground would be a great way to celebrate."



















Bringing the mid-season festivities to a country whose president openly despises every good, apple-pie eating, MTV-watching, capitalist thing that the mostly-USA-based basketball league stands for was a difficult task for Iguanas owner Fran Hopkin. "As we know, our loved president Hugo Chavez and the United States of the America has not always seen the eye-to-eye," said Hopkin. "But you can be much surprised that as of good the Chavez and Obama have ahead been obtaining. They have really much more in field common that you can take care of to know, to be truth. Wink wink."

The 2010 All-Star logo, featuring the famous waterfall, as well as elements from the Iguanas identity system, was also unveiled at the press conference. The secondary mark features a palm tree ensconced in a basketball.

"We're pleased as punch to be bringing the festivities to Venezuela, if not particularly Maracaibo," said Barnes (Angel Falls is about as far away in Venezuela from Maracaibo as you can get). "As for those who think it's a crazy idea, there is a precedent for this, sort of. Did you see UP? All sorts of fun shenanigans took place on top of Angel Falls in that movie. We've got Phil Jackson back at the WFBL offices blowing up balloons as we speak."

The 2010 WFBL All-Star Diversion Week will be held Feb 8-14th, culminating with the 2010 WFBL All-Star Game on Feb 14th.