This Week in the WFBL—Week 13

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Look at Dem, They'a da Kings a' New Yawk























The Maggette Reuben, coming soon to New York delis everywhere.

NEPHI (AP)—Start spreadin' the news! For the first time since crowning themselves two and a half seasons ago, the Kings are living up to their name. Winners of five in a row, New York has climbed to only a game behind Zermatt in the World Conference standings. I know what you are thinking: Why haven't we heard anything about this team? Are there no reporters in their city? What's the story behind the Kings' remarkable about face?

Well, for starters, key players like Paul Pierce and Troy Murphy have gotten healthy. Plus, the front office has been making all the right moves, such as trading for Antawn Jamison. But the turnaround has also been greatly aided by the contributions of a pair of seldom used bench players.

With a week 10 matchup against conference nemesis Maracaibo looming, resident computer expert DeJuan Blair hacked the internet, modifying Fran Hopkin's password so he couldn't log on to his league account and adjust his lineup. It took Iguanas' tech support a month to fix the problem. New York dominated Maracaibo 7-2.

The Kings' hijinks continued in week 12 as Thabo "Swiss Mister" Sefolosha infiltrated the Sundancer locker room on a secret mission to unplug Chris Kaman's milk stocked mini fridge. The Milkman took one curdled swig as he was warming up for his first game and ended up missing the entire week. New York narrowly held off Park City 5-4.

But alas, not all of New York's wins have been the result of felonies. There have also been some shrewd lineup choices, such as starting Corey Maggette in place of a red hot Stephen Jackson this past week.

Teammate and closet "foodie" Steve Nash offered Maggette some high praise, "Unlike most bench guys, who typically produce turd sandwiches when the starting lineup beckons, Corey went and made himself a big old double decker EBP Reuben. Mmmmh, who's hungry?"

The Kings feasted on Nephi 6-3.

Around the WFBL

Abominables 5, Underdogs 4

Sundancers 6, Tigers 3

Butchers 5, Gators 4

Jai-Rai 6, SnowBees 3

Trojans 5, Iguanas 4

Week 13 Game of the Week Voting Results:

New York Kings 3 (37%)
Nephi Stratagem 5 (62%)

Week 12 EBP:

Chris Paul, Zermatt—4 votes (50% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Jan 21-27, 2008

Loaf of Bread: $1.59

Gallon of milk: $2.74

#1 Song: "Low"—Flo Rida ft. T-Pain

#1 Movie: "Meet the Spartans"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 13 from 2008(Jan 21- 27). Zermatt was fresh of a disheartening loss to the Sundancers and needed a win in a big way. Nephi, in the midst of a four-week losing streak—the last three a combined 5-22—were happy to oblige. Here now the continuation of the account of their wars and contentions:

WEEK THIRTEEN, JAN 21-27, 2008

A Continuation of the Account of the Wars and Contentions between the Inhabitants of Nephi and the Great Abomination from the Land of Zermatt

ZERMATT (AP)—7. And it came to pass in the commencement
of the thirteenth week of the reign of the Tigers, the people of Nephi did take up arms once again against the Great Abomination of Zermatt.

8. But behold the destruction of the people of Nephi was even more fierce than it had hitherto been. And lo, many rebounds, the sharing of the ball one with another, the robbing and plundering of the basketball, and the blocking of shots were made by the Great Abomination. And the Great Abomination was inspired by the opportunity to move up in the standings.

9. But the people of Nephi were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for rankings of power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all. But mostly for their pride; for the people of Nephi in all honesty had not much more for which to fight.

10. Nevertheless, when the men of Justin Banks saw the fierceness and the anger of the Great Abomination, they did shrink and did flee from them. And because of the pride for which the people of Nephi did fight, which pride did once again enter into their hearts, yea I say that because of this pride, the people of Nephi did suffer great loss.

11. And the number of that loss was 8-1, in the favor of the Great Abomination.

12. Now this great loss of the people of Nephi, and the great slaughter which was among them, would not have happened had it not been for the Abomination which was among them.

13. And thus ended the thirteenth week of the first year of the reign of the Tigers over the people of the WFBL.

The Abominables would lose only one more series the rest of the season (including postseason) on the way to the first of their back-to-back titles. The Stratagem would win only one more series to finish out the regular season—and went on to finish with a streak of 12 losses in 13 weeks.

Week 12 Power Rankings

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Can Tell Us How to Get to Sesame Street?

The Kings face the Strats in what promises to be an intense week of matchups, especially since this is the last chance for players to impress the All-Star voters before the rosters are announced. After that, all that's left are the less-motivating team-oriented goals. Oh yeah, and the Chris Paul Memorial EBP award.

Sesame Street, which just celebrated its 40th year, is the world's longest-running children's TV show. The WFBL, which is celebrating its 5th year, is the world's longest-running basketball league worth mentioning. So this week the Power Rankings asks each WFBL team, "If you were a Sesame Street character, which one would you be?"

Team, Rank, (Previous), Record

1 (1) 56-49-3
Big Bird. After all these years, who still rules the roost? The Commissioner's team has been no. 1 so often for so long, the rest of the league is starting to feel like Tony Danza in this epic tennis match.


2 (4) 54-51-3
Oscar the Grouch. Is reaching no. 2 in the Power Rankings enough to make those grouchy New Yorkers happy? Perhaps, but being happy puts them in a bad mood. Then again, they like being in a bad mood. I guess they're kind of conflicted. But one thing's for sure, they love Nash.

3 (1) 59-47-2

Ernie. Speaking of conflicted, Park City is in the unique position of leading the league in both steals and turnovers. Looks like the Sundancers could use a lesson in sharing.


4 (5) 54-50-4
Rosita. Both Sesame Street and the WFBL have a token green-colored Spanish speaker. And if every Maracaibo fan loved his Iguanas the way Little Richard seems to love Rosita, the Arena de Basquet de Hugo Chavez would be a tough place to play indeed.

5 (1) 57-46-5
The Amazing Mumford. The Gators are having themselves a magical season, levitating above the rest of the league and defying gravity, as it were. A la peanut butter sandwiches! But is last week's loss to Zermatt a sign that the platform is falling out from beneath them?

6 (8) 53-52-3
Cookie Monster. C is for Carmelo, whose 88 points on 55% FG shooting and 23-of-24 from the line were good enough for Richmond last week.



7 (9) 55-53-0
Sherlock Hemlock. There's a mystery to solve in Thailand—where the heck has Kobe Bryant's shot gone? Last week it dipped below 40%. Could this be a rhyme crime?


8 (7) 50-54-4
Count von Count. The Trojans have spent the season riding up and down the Power Rankings elevator, mostly between floors 1 and 8. For several weeks at the beginning of the season, they were on the rise, but right now the elevator is going down. One! One disappointing loss! Two! Two disappointing losses! Three! Three disappointing losses! Four! Four disappointing losses! Five! Five disappointing losses! [Crash of thunder] Ha Ha.

9 (12) 48-56-4
Yip Yip Martians. Early in the season, the Tigers looked like they were visiting competitive basketball from a distant planet. But now, thanks to their trusty Earth field guide, they seem to be figuring things out. Time is running out, though.

10 (6) 50-56-2
Grover/Supergrover. The Strats have had their super moments this season (and they are cute, too!), but lately they've seemed downright mild-mannered. Maybe they haven't quite finished changing into their costume.


11 (10) 49-58-1
Alistair Cookie. The SnowBees have quite a climb in front of them. Is there room at the top in the Wasatch Conference? "Sorry, buddy. Why don't you try the bottom?"


12 (11) 46-59-3
Don Music. Whom should I start at SF? Mike Miller? Shawn Marion? Michael Beasley? Hedo Turkoglu? Oh, I'll never get it right! Never! Where's Kanye when you need him?


The Power Rankings have been brought to you today by the letters W, F, B, and L.

Don't forget to vote on the Game of the Week and Week 12's EBP!

This Week in the WFBL—Week 6

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Leads Jai-Rai Lose Second-Straight, Despite End of Arenas' 3-Week Billboard Starvation Standoff

UDORN (AP)—Gilbert Arenas had had enough. And Jai-Rai management finally caved.

Udorn's mercurial point guard ended his hunger-strike stand-off with team owner Devin Jackson last week, finally getting the starting nod against Los Iguanas de Maracaibo in a key World Conference matchup. The appearance of the seldom-started Arenas wasn't enough to overcome the Igs, however, as the Jai-Rai lost 5-4.

Since Week 3, when he was benched for up-and-comer Russell Westbrook, Arenas has been defiantly camped on a billboard in downtown metropolitan Udorn, refusing to come down or eat anything until Jai-Rai brass realized their "grave misdeeds."

"We just beat the Butchers, and all of a sudden coach comes up to me and says they're gonna try somethin' different for a few weeks. I'm like 'what? I'm Gilbert Arenas, dang it!'" the former All-Star explained. "I'm back, baby! I'm healthy! They don't know who they dealing with."

From his lofty perch in front of a billboard outfitted with the saying "I'm Gilbert Arenas" and "Start Me Or Starve Me!", and armed with nothing more than a bullhorn and a sleeping bag, Arenas beckoned at passers-by to honk if they wanted him back in the lineup. The scheme seemed to be working during a Week 3 loss to Zermatt, but the groundswell died down after the Jai-Rai pummeled Nephi 8-1 thanks to solid play from Westbrook.

"Yeah, that was a tough week. But I had to hold my ground. I had to let them know that I wasn't joking around," said Arenas. "Do I look like the type of guy who'd joke around about something like this?"

Ultimately, management decided that the negative PR the team was getting far outweighed the benefits that could come from winning a stand-off with "Gasbag". A Week 5 loss to bottom-feeder New York may have had a little something to do with the change of heart, too.

"We respect Gilbert as a player and a person," said Jackson. "We learned a lot about each other over the past few weeks. I guess I underestimated the type of crazy I was getting involved with when I drafted him."

After the final horn sounded on the Jai-Rai's loss—their second series loss with Arenas running the point—Jackson's tune suddenly changed.

"It was good to have Gilby come down and play again. And you can definitely tell that his not eating for three weeks helped him lose some off-season weight, so it was really win-win for all of us. But I think it's back to billboard for you, Gilby."

Around the WFBL

Kings 5, Abominables 4

Sundancers 7, Stratagem 1, Everyone 1

Trojans 5, Underdogs 4

Gators 5, SnowBees 4

Butchers 6, Tigers 3

Week 6 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (62%)

Udorn Jai-Rai 3 (37%)

Week 5 EBP:

Marcus Camby, Richmond—5 votes (62% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Dec 1-7, 2008

Gallon of gas: $1.81

Gallon of milk: $2.74

#1 Song: "Live Your Life"—T.I. ft. Rhianna

#1 Movie: "Four Christmases"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 6 from 2008 (Dec 1-7). Unlike this season, there was a clear divide in the WFBL between the contenders and the pretenders. In Week 6, two of the contenders met, with upstart Nephi taking on seemingly indestructible Park City in a Wasatch Conference showdown.

WEEK SIX, DEC 1-7, 2008

Strats Still Special Despite Success, Roy Claims


























KG and the Strats bounce Bosh and the 'Dancers from the unbeaten ranks.

NEPHI (AP)—Now the only remaining unbeaten team in the WFBL, the Nephi Strategem toppled the Park City Sundancers 6-2-1 this week, extending their now longest current winning streak to 7—if you feel good about counting their victory over Rigby in the 11th place game last year. The Strats can also now stake a claim to first place for the first time in franchise history, though they are finding out that winning is not all it is cracked up to be.

"Back when we used to lose, other teams would treat us like we were special," explained Brandon Roy. "Players and coaches would always be making a point to tell us how proud they were of us, that we even managed to field a team at all. Now that we're winning, the other teams don't quite know what to think. They look like they have been betrayed. Well, I'm here to tell you that we are still special, we're just winning now. Is there anything so wrong with that? Management is still perfectly willing to make ill-advised trades, as evidenced by the deal to ship Ron Artest to Richmond for Marquis Daniels this week. See? Still good ol' lovable Nephi."

Kevin Garnett interrupted, "But did they really need to include Udonis Haslem to sweeten an already lopsided trade?" Owner Justin Banks soon joined the discussion, "Hey, I've been wondering where Udonis has been. I think I might have misclicked on his name. I didn't mean to trade him—lol."

Roy is right about one thing, Nephi will always be special.

So what about Park City? How are they dealing with their first loss of the season? Owner Dave Barton was happy to oblige with a characteristically pompous answer. "Look, it's all part of our master plan. We decided that now was the best time to lose, so we didn't turn into some massive juggernaut that everyone is constantly gunning for. We all know how well that turned out for St. George last year. So all of you that were wondering why Mo only dished 6 assists, or what the story behind our sudden dive in free throw percentage Saturday night was, now you know. Yes, soon we will..."

Barton, who didn't get the memo that James Bond analogies are so 3 weeks ago, trailed off and paused before continuing, "You know, I really need to get better at not explaining away my machinations to the whole league, so I'm just gonna stop myself right there. Sometimes I'm just so proud of my ingenuity that I want to share. Maybe next week I will take a cue from Auric Goldfinger by inviting all you media types to my rumpus room for postgame interviews. That way I can have the satisfaction of getting to explain my elaborate plot in great detail before I gas you all to death. Who's in? Wait... I just did it again, didn't I?"

The Strats continued to surprise the league, winning their next three series. But ultimately, their inexperience in the limelight caught up with them, as they stumbled down the stretch, missing out on the regular season conference title and ultimately bowing to Twin Falls in the first round of the Playoffs. Meanwhile, Park City's evil plot to control the league was foiled by their arch-nemesis Zermatt, in the 2009 Concludings.

This Week in the WFBL—Week 3

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Amare, Strats Handle Gators; McGrady Given Walking Papers

Chris who?

NEPHI (AP)—The Nephi Stratagem handled the shorthanded Twin Falls Gators this week, handing them their first loss of the season—a seering 7-2 backhand to the cheek. In a league known for its improbable twists and turns, the Strats are one of its biggest surprises of the season so far.

As the Gators come crashing back down to earth, the Strats are on the rise. Picked to finish last in the preseason power rankings, Nephi holds the league's best record after three weeks. How are Justin Banks and co. doing it?

"A lot of owners will analyze stats and juggle lineups endlessly, but that's not what we're about. We're just trying not to do too much," offered Banks. "I told my guys, I don't want you to try to outrebound or outscore the opposition, I just want you to do it. Makes sense, right?"

A little, actually. But perhaps a less amorphous answer is Amar'e Stoudemire, who had his biggest game of the young season in the clincher, dropping 30 points and grabbing 8 rebounds. As the final horn sounded, Nephi's beleagured big man trotted around the court tugging at his jersey and shouting "Chris who?"

It was by all accounts an iconic moment, but in an awkward follow-up scene, Stoudemire was interrupted by an unwelcome tap on the shoulder from team health advisor Tracy McGrady. "Um, Amar'e, I don't want to rain on your parade, but they got this thing called the player rater, and Chris Bosh is 95 spots ahead of you this week."

McGrady was notified by management shortly thereafter that his services were no longer required on the grounds of "trying to do too much."

Around the WFBL

Abominables 6, Jai-Rai 3

Tigers 5, Kings 4

SnowBees 5, Sundancers 4

Iguanas 6, Butchers 3

Underdogs 6, Trojans 2, Everyone 1

Week 2 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Nephi Stratagem 6 (85%)

Twin Falls Gators 1 (15%)

Week 2 EBP:

Chris Paul, Zermatt—6 votes (66% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Nov 10-Nov 16, 2008

Gallon of gas: $2.22

Gallon of milk: $2.74

#1 Song: "Live Your Life"—T.I. Featuring Rihanna

#1 Movie: "Quantum of Solace"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 3 from 2008 (Nov 10-16). The Underdogs were fresh off of a dominating 2006-2007 season that ended with a monumental collapse in the playoffs. The 2008 season was not treating St. George kindly, and two weeks in, Dwight Howard and co. were winless and looking for answers.

WEEK THREE, NOV 10-16, 2008

U-Dogs Find Alter-Ego, True Selves in Victory

ST GEORGE (AP)—Most people think that when elderly people flock to St. George, Utah, around November it's because they're trying to escape the snowy weather in colder climates to the north. But people who think that aren't being honest with themselves. The true reason for these "snowbirds'" yearly migration is to cheer for and attend home games of their beloved St. George Underdogs. (Many experts—the honest ones, at least—now believe that actual birds fly south in the winter for the same reason.)

But not all has been well for U-Dog faithful of late. In fact, during their recent match-up with the Richmond Butchers, the tension in Super Energy Vitamin Pill Arena was so thick you could cut it with, well, a butcher knife. As the closely-contested series wore on, a familiar, plaintive cry rose from the anxious crowd: "Oh where, oh where have my Underdogs gone?"

Where, indeed? At 7-10-1, still without a series victory this season, the Underdogs appeared to be a mere whimper of their former selves. Were these the same Underdogs who, just a season ago, rocketed to a league-record win total and coasted into a first-round playoff bye?
Well, no, these aren't the same Underdogs at all. Only center Dwight Howard remains on the roster from last year's team. So to the previous question, "Oh where, oh where have my Underdogs gone?" the answer is "Mostly to other teams."

"But they are the same uniforms, dang it!" insists newcomer James "Pocket Full of" Posey. "And that counts for something." Against the Butchers, it counted enough for a 5-3-1 win.

But what took so long? Why the two-week losing streak? "I think it took us a while to find ourselves," suggests Dwight Howard, who, until this week, while he was still looking for himself, had asked the media to address him as Dwight Coward. "I know I personally was wondering to myself, 'All those powers I have—rebounding, blocking shots—is that the real me?' Am I being true to myself when I do that, or am I really more cut out to be a mild-mannered shoeshine boy or something like that? Do I want to be superhuman, or do I have a better shot with the ladies, ironically, as an average mortal? I know it sounds crazy, but those are the thoughts that went through my head."












According to league psychoanalyst and literary theorist Phil Jackson, it does sound crazy, but it's not that unusual: "It's actually very common for people with superpowers to suffer an identity crisis, especially if they've been trying to blend in with society with an alter ego. In fact, it's so common it's almost archetypal in the superhero genre, and it usually occurs by the second or third episode. Superman, for example, had two identity crises: one each in Superman II and III. Spider-man 3 is another good example."

So what does it take for superheroes like Dwight Howard and company to snap out of it and just be super already? "Often something as simple as finding a glowing green crystal in the snow will do the trick," Professor Jackson says. "Others need an existential, logic-straining, hand-to-hand battle with one's somehow-embodied alter ego. You kind of just have to turn off your brain to understand that one, but it worked for Superman. As for Spider-man, I have to admit I never actually watched that movie, so I don't know how it worked out for him."

Howard says that for him it was really much simpler than all that. "I finally realized that it didn't matter who the 'real' me is. Winning is more fun than losing, and the superhuman me is better at winning." In other words, Howard seems to have just "decided" that he wanted to block 18 shots and grab 58 rebounds and score 81 points and shoot 53%. U-Dog fans are more than willing to turn their brains off every week if he can keep putting up those kinds of numbers.

So with Howard and his true self—or, at least, the self we all like best—firmly found, the U-Dogs welcome Uncle Ben's defending-champion Zermatt Abominables, who haven't lost in a really, really long time. U-Dog fans hope Howard keeps better track of himself this week so he doesn't lose himself again, or, if he does misplace himself and someone else finds him, they hope they will promptly return him so he can put Zermatt's ridiculous win streak to an end.

The Abominables plastered the Underdogs 6-2-1 the following week, and Zermatt's ridiculous win streak continued. But Howard eventually found his true self.

Nephi Stratagem

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TEAM: Nephi Stratagem
CONFERENCE AFFILIATION: Wasatch Conference
OWNER: Justin Banks
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Nephi Stratagem, 07-08 11th Place, 08-09 5th Place
LOCATION: Nephi, Utah
ARENA: The Arena of Liberty
MOTTO: "In Memory of Our God, Our Religion, and Freedom, and Our Peace, Our Wives, and Our Children!"
MOST-HATED RIVAL(s): Sundancers

SEASON OUTLOOK

With Yao Ming moving on to bigger and better hospitals, one of Nephi's primary needs on draft day was a dominant big man to compliment returning shooting guard Brandon Roy. And when Nephi's #8 pick came around, owner Justin Banks didn't waiver in his decision to draft Chris Bosh for a full 7 or 8 seconds, at which point he changed his pick to Amar'e Stoudemire.

"Chris is coming off a career year with Park City, and he's really going to fit in here nicely," expounded Banks. "Wait, did I say Chris? I meant Amar'e. And when I said he is coming off a career year with Park City, I meant he is coming off a disappointing season in which a freak eyeball injury caused him to miss the playoffs and derail Park City's Concludings chances. Same difference."

Joining Roy and Bosh, er, Stoudemire on the Stratagem starting line will be a young nucleus of Rajon Rondo, Rudy Gay and LaMarcus Aldridge. The always unconventional Nephi management also surprised many when they used a late round draft pick to bring back disgraced former star Tracy McGrady as a team health advisor.


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