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All-Star Game Announcement Sparks International Controversy

ZERMATT, SWITZERLAND (AP)—When the WFBL sneezes, the whole world catches a cold. We're all used to that by now. But the league's recent decision to hold the 2010 All-Star Game on a 3,200-foot mountain in Venezuela—well, that was one of those wet, sloppy, tissue-busting sneezes, and it seems to have set off an international incident.

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, SnowBees center Pau Gasol criticized the decision shortly after it was announced, complaining that playing basketball in thin air at high altitudes gives him "dry, flaky skin."

"I have very fair complexion, and in order to keep the healthy glow you see right now before you, my skin must remain always moisturized," Gasol said, his skin ruddy and shiny. "This is very difficult in thin air. I use up many bottles of lotion as it is. Who will pay for extra bottles I need for the All-Star game? Commissioner Barnes?"

Commissioner Barnes reportedly tried to low-key the criticism by privately assuring Gasol, who has never been an All-Star, that he would not be invited to the 2010 festivities. But word of Gasol's comments, like an overused Kleenex, soon leaked, and fair-skinned European players across the league added their nonnative English-speaking voices to the chorus of criticism.

"Pau right," said Russian star Andrei Kirilenko. "I maybe not speak the English very good, but I know right sayings when I hears them. Basketball on mountain not good."

"My skin, too, suffers at high altitudes," added German forward Dirk Nowitzki. "Most people don't know this, but I pose as a hand model in the offseason. I work really hard all season not to damage my hands by shooting only three-pointers and by never extending my arms on defense—you know, to keep my hands camera-pretty. But if I have to play on a mountain in Venezuela, my knuckles will get all red and cracked and ugly. Commissioner Barnes is making the world less beautiful with this decision. I urge him to reconsider."

Commissioner Barnes has his supporters, however—most of them thinly disguised dictators like himself, including Venezuelan president Hugh Chavez, who promised to raise tariffs on sales of Venezuelan hand lotions to the native countries of players who criticize the 2010 All-Star site. He also hinted that he might start a nuclear war with them too. In a sign of solidarity, Bolivian president and Chavez-wannabe Evo Morales played in a basketball game on Bolivia's highest mountain and afterwards posed for a commercial for dishwashing liquid.

With Latin America's leftist powers firmly on his side, it seems unlikely that Barnes will reverse his decision. However, considering the number of delicate-skinned Europeans in the league, pressure may continue to mount between now and Diversion Weekend in February.

Just in case, Commish, Pau's favorite brand of hand lotion is Creative Scentsations, raspberry-pomegranate scent. Aisle 24 at Wal-Mart.