This Week in the WFBL—Conference Concludings

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Wade, 'Dancers Drum Duncan, Gators for 2nd Wasatch Title




















PARK CITY (AP)—

MONDAY/TUESDAY - REDFORD ARENA

The Park City Sundancers and Twin Falls Gators square off in the Wasatch Concludings for the second year in a row. The whole affair kinda feels like a rehash. League promoters claim it's due to Peter Cetera's theme song for the rematch, "Glory of Love," failing to generate the same excitement as Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" from the previous year.

WEDNESDAY

It is revealed that Tim Duncan has grown bitter about the Gators' Conference Concludings loss from a year ago. Now under the tutelage of the mysterious Sato (an old nemesis of Park City consultant Kesuke "Mr." Miyagi), Duncan claims Dwyane Wade dishonored him by blocking more shots than he did in the deciding game (4-0).

THURSDAY - PARK CITY LOCKER ROOM, BEFORE TIP-OFF

Park City has fallen behind Twin Falls, and Wade is despondent about the absence of Gerald Wallace and Derrick Rose from the starting lineup due to injuries.

Miyagi: Concentrate. Focus. Most important.

Wade: I can't, Mr. Miyagi, not today.

Miyagi: Why?

Wade: Because we're starting George Hill and Paul Millsap, that's why.

Miyagi: When you feel life out of focus, always return to basic of life. Breathe. No breathe, no life. Come, try. Breath out of mouth. Breathe in through nose. In... out... Now how feel?

Wade: Better. More focused.

Miyagi: Good. Now go out and kick butt.

Wade dominates to the tune of 36 points, 10 rebounds, 7 assists, three 3s, a steal and a block, helping Park City to regain the lead.

SUNDAY - TIP-OFF

With the Sundancers leading the Gators 6-3, Duncan dramatically enters the arena on a zip line, grabbing Brook Lopez and putting a knife to his throat.

Duncan: Get back or I kill her!

Lopez: I'm a he!

Miyagi: Duncan, you are one of Gator's best player. No disgrace Twin Falls here.















Duncan: Your student disgrace me. I have been dishonored all because of him.

Wade: For whatever happened, I apologize. Except for the part about beating you guys last year.

Duncan: Apology will not give me back my honor!

Wade: Neither will this.

Duncan: In their eyes it will. No more talk. You play me one-on-one to the death, or I kill her!

Lopez: Still a he!

Duncan: Shut up!

Miyagi: This not tournament. This for real.

Wade: I'm pretty sure this is still a tournament.

Miyagi: Aye. Miyagi prone to hyperbole.















Wade and Duncan begin their one-on-one battle. They are well-matched, but Duncan has the size advantage and gradually gains the upper hand. Following Mr. Miyagi's lead, twenty thousand strong at Redford Arena pull out handheld drums and begin twisting them back and forth. An exhausted Wade regains his composure, knowing what he must do. As Duncan attacks the basket, Wade begins to viciously swing his arms back and forth, blocking a career high five shots to clinch another 5-4 victory. Wade grabs his beaten foe by the hair and cocks his hand back.

Wade: Live or die, man?

Duncan: Die.

Wade: Wrong. Honk!

















With CP3 Sidelined, Whozits and Whatsisnames Lead A-Boms to Fourth Straight Concludings Appearance

ZERMATT (AP)—Another year, another trip to the Concludings.

Undoubtedly the most storied dynasty in the history of the WFBL, the Zermatt Abominables shocked the Iguanas with a 5-4 comeback win in the World Conference Concludings. The win gives the two-time defending champs their fourth straight appearance in the title game, further cementing their dominance over the league.

"I think by far this is the least talented team I've ever assembled," said coach Ben Barnes, who looks to bring his A-Boms an unprecedented third straight Concludings title against arch-rival Park City. "Furthermore, I would like to formally announce my candidacy for Executive of the Year WFBLy. In fact, you might as well start the engraving right now."

But it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows for this year's A-Boms squad. Despite taking an early lead thanks to no-name rookies Darren "Bizarro CP3" Collison—mentored by the injured former EBP—and Marcus Thornton, Zermatt found themselves staring at the end of their championship run. Thanks to a heroic performance from the Iguanas' All-Star center David Lee, the A-Boms entered the final game of Sunday night needing 6 rebs and 13 pts from Andray Blatche—yes, that's right, Andray Blatche—to seal the deal.

"Lee played great Sunday afternoon," said Blatche, a late-season acquisition via trade with Rigby. "The man's a monster. One can only wonder how things would've turned out had he not sat out Friday's game with...what was it? Menstrual cramps? I'm not even sure. But it must've been bad if it forced him to miss time during the World Concludings—his only missed game all season—right?"

The very astute Blatche ended up saving the day for the A-Boms, grabbing the requisite rebounds and scoring the final baskets late in the fourth quarter.

"Let's not give the guy a medal, he still almost lost the thing for us with all the chucking he was doing," said Barnes, who immediately pulled Blatche after scoring the go-ahead points.

This year's scrappy A-Boms are indeed a different sort from the last three. They stared down the barrel of the end of an era, and without any type of All-Star caliber leadership, shoved their finger right in, Bugs Bunny-style. Then the gun exploded on the Iguanas, leaving behind only the charred remains of disappointment.

"Has anyone talked bout how we wore our green uniforms again?" asked Blatche. "I feel like that needs to be mentioned."

Around the Playoff Consolation Ladder

Trojans 4, Jai-Rai 4, Trojans 1

Around the Consolation Ladder

Kings 7, Butchers 2

SnowBees 6, Underdogs 3

Stratagem 4, Tigers 4, Stratagem 1

Conference Concludings Game of the Week Voting Results:

Park City Sundancers 6 (75%)
Twin Falls Gators 2 (25%)

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (63%)
Zermatt Abominables 3 (37%)

Round 1 EBP:

David Lee, Maracaibo—5 votes (71% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Mar 16-22, 2009

First-class stamp: $0.44

Gallon of milk: $3.39

#1 Song:"Right Round"—Flo Rida
#1 Movie: "Knowing"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at the Conference Concludings from 2009 (Mar 16-22). The 'Dancers and A-Boms once again meet in this year's Concludings. A year ago, it took some amazing, last-minute heroics from EBP runner-up Wade-san to get Park City into the title game. Here's to rubbing salt in the wounds, Gator fans!

CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS, MAR 16-22, 2009

Wade, 'Dancers Wax Off Kobe, Gators for Wasatch Title























PARK CITY (AP)—

MONDAY/TUESDAY - REDFORD ARENA, ALL WASATCH BASKETBALL CONCLUDINGS

The two Wasatch finalists, the Park City Sundancers and Twin Falls Gators, treat the crowd to a thrilling montage of high flying dunks, long range shots, blocks, and boards set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around."

WEDNESDAY - TWIN FALLS LOCKER ROOM, JUST BEFORE TIP-OFF

Twin Falls holds the early lead 6-3 lead, but Park City superstar Dwyane Wade has yet to play. He is expected to make his anticipated first appearance tonight. As the team heads towards the tunnel, Gators assistant coach and Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese pulls Al Thornton aside.

Kreese: Al, I want Wade out of commission

Thornton: But Sensei, we can beat these guys!

Kreese: I don't want them just beaten.

Thornton: But I'll get thrown out!

Kreese: Out of commission.















Kreese trains his iron eyes on Thornton. He cannot endure their searing heat. His head drops as Kreese bends him to his will. Thornton tentatively walks over to the Park City bench, jumps high in the air, and lands a flying sidekick to Wade's right hip.

Thornton: I'm sorry, Dwyane! I didn't mean it!

Wade crumples to the floor as Thornton is dragged away amid a shower of boos. The Gators have their way with the Sundancers in the absence of the EBP runner-up.

FRIDAY - PARK CITY LOCKER ROOM, A FEW HOURS BEFORE TIP-OFF

A dejected Dwyane Wade, accompanied by team consultant Kesuke "Mr." Miyagi, lies on the trainers' table, resigned to missing his second straight game after not missing a game all year.

Wade: Mr. Miyagi... you think we had a chance of winning?

Mr. Miyagi: Aye, had good chance.

Wade: Can't you fix my hip with that thing you do? You know, with the clapping and the rubbing, and the hey hey hey, my hip feels better?

Mr. Miyagi: No need play anymore. You prove point.

Wade: What, that I can take a beating? Every time I see the Gators, they'll know they got the best of me. How will I ever have balance in my life? I mean, aside from having more money than I could ever spend and being idolized by millions.

(Pause)

Mr. Miyagi: Close eye.

Miyagi's hands come together, punctuated by a dramatic music note.

FRIDAY - TIP-OFF

Wade emerges from locker room as the crowd goes wild.

Announcer: Dwyane Wade is gonna play? Dwyane Wade is gonna play! This is what it's all about, folks!

SUNDAY - REDFORD ARENA, DECIDING GAME

With their star player once again on the court to galvanize the team, Park City has cut into the Gators once insurmountable lead, now only trailing 5-4. As the Gators call a timeout to regroup, Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese motions for his star pupil, Kobe Bryant.

Kreese: Pummel the hip...you have a problem with that?

Kobe: (scared) No, Sensei.

Kreese: No mercy.















As play resumes, Kobe cheap shots Wade several times in his bruised right hip, but the referees are distracted by Tim Duncan flailing around after getting slightly nudged by Chris Bosh, so no foul is called. Wade limps to the bench, but after a timeout, returns to the floor wearing a traditional Karate Gi. As the Gators dribble up the court with the clock running down, Wade slowly assumes the crane position under the basket by standing on one leg and lifting both arms high into the air. Kobe calls for the ball.

Announcer: 30 seconds remaining...

Rondo: It's over, guys! Get 'em a body bag, yyyeeeah!!!

Kreese: Finish them!

Kobe hears the call of his sensei and drives to the hoop. As he releases the ball, Wade leaps high in the air and blocks the shot. Frustrated, Kobe gets his own rebound and shoots it a second time. And once again, Wade leaps and bats the ball away. Time expires. Kobe stares at the scorer's table in disbelief as he sees that Wade's last two blocked shots are the difference Park City needed to win the blocks category 11-10, and thusly the series, 5-4. The Sundancer crowd storms the court in a wild rush of celebration. A tearful Kobe grabs the Wasatch Concludings trophy and personally hands it to the Sundancer hero.















Kobe: You're all right, Wade. You can be my sleepover buddy any time.

Conference Concluding Previews

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Wasatch Conference Concludings









Deep down, you knew it would come to this. Can the Gators exact revenge on the Sundancers for last year's miraculous D-Wade block?

Season Series: Tied, 9-9-0

Seed: 2
Record: 85-71-6
Outlook: Once again, the Gators show the newly-named EBP who's boss. Will the current exceptional play of D-Will and D-West—along with their two-game advantage on Park City—be enough for Twin Falls to avenge last year's heartbreaker?

Seed: 1
Record: 92-66-4
Outlook: With Derrick Rose ailing and Jameer Nelson with only two games this week, the 'Dancers' title hopes rest on George Hill. Yeah we don't know who he is either. But we do know who Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant are, and despite having fewer games, we think they should have enough to score the victory.


Prediction: 5-4









World Conference Concludings









For the second straight year, it's Igs-A-Boms with a trip to the Concludings on the line. The big question: does Zermatt break out the St. Patty's green once again?

Season Series: Iguanas, 9-8-1

Seed: 2
Record: 83-73-6
Outlook: It was never really in doubt for the Igs against Udorn. A world now rallies around you, Maracaibo, as the second-to-last hope we all have at seeing the Abominable dynasty die. Coach Hopkin gets married this week...what's the over/under on how many times he checks on his team during the reception and/or honeymoon?

Seed: 1
Record: 86-70-6
Outlook: The A-Boms were hoping to get CP3 back in time for their first playoff game, but it looks like that's not going to happen. Zermatt will be hard-pressed to beat a team they lost to a mere two weeks ago, with essentially the same lineup—this time with Marcus Thornton instead of Randy Foye. Having said that, the Concludings have never taken place without a Ben Barnes-led team participating.


Prediction: 6-3

This Week in the WFBL Playoffs—Rd 1

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Live-Blogging the Wasatch Conference Round One




















LeBron James, a portrait in moods: Happy (left, before the series), and sad (right, after the series).

TWIN FALLS (AP)—Its been two years and I'm fully healed from the last live-blogging disaster in Maracaibo. Even so, the bigwigs at the AP were wary of sending me back to cover the World Conference Round One, so here I am in snowy Twin Falls! Who needs the tropical warmth of Venezuela when you're just gonna be inside a basketball arena all week long anyways?

3/8/10 Morning Shootaround

There's chatter that the Trojans are thinking of sitting LeBron tonight, as a reward for winning the EBP. I know I'm no WFBL coach, but that seems a bit counter-productive to me. LeBron's here, but he's not out there warming up. He is, however, taking pretend pictures of every...hang on...okay okay..."cheeeeeese!"...alright you too man...hey I want a copy of that one!...

7:30 PM

As expected, no LeBron tonight. The Gators have put the Trojans in a big hole to start the week off. Tonight, Good David West decided to show up, and Timmy had a nice all-around game. One of the x-factors coming in was going to be the rookies—Rigby's Steph Curry and Twin Falls' Tyreke Evans—and so far Curry's having a tough time adjusting to the big stage. Really poor shooting, and he's turned it over as many times as West and Duncan combined. Not how the Trojans wanted to start off.

3/9/10

Looks like Vince "Half-Man, Half-A-Season" Carter decided to show up for the Trojans. If the matchup ended today though, the EBP would go to Deron Williams. It's funny, you hear him compared unfavorably to Chris Paul the past three years, but with CP3 out, D-Will really hasn't taken over the "best PG in the league" role like some thought he would. Tonight, however? 28 points, 17 assists, 1 turnover, 71% FG...not bad.

3/10/10 In Line for Snacks

Dang Idaho basketball teams! All they have are potato-related products. Can't decide between a potato dog or churro fries. Meanwhile, this matchup is seriously getting out of hand for Rigby. The Gators now have a 6-2-1 lead as rookie sensation Tyreke Evans just messed around and got a triple double. I wonder if he's related in any way to Adams' wife, Carolyn Evans-Adams? Let's see, mental note, look into relationship between star shooting guard and coach's wife, if any.

3/11/10

Well that's weird. Only Steph Curry and Vince Carter are out there on the court tonight. But what's more perplexing is that they still have only managed to close the gap to 5-3-1. Looking ahead, it appears both teams have the same amount of games remaining. Not sure where Rigby can make up another category...rebounds perhaps? LeBron should probably show his face tomorrow, and the Trojans need him to bring the pain, big time. Now if you'll excuse me, it's halftime, and the Twin Falls 13th Ward is about to perform a truncated version of their region-winning road show based on the classic Home Evening short "Honesty Leads to Integrity".

3/12/10

LeBron's back! And he shot 7-18! Wait, that's not gonna cut it. Meanwhile the Gators aren't doing anything spectacular, but just like they've been doing all year long, everybody's putting up solid numbers across the board. I think I just saw Adams on the phone with the team's travel agent, booking a bus to Park City.

3/13/10

Wait a minute, there's someone on the other line. It's Steph Curry. What's that young rook? You say you've got 35 points, 10 assists, 6 rebounds, 4 steals, 5 three-pointers and a block that say the Gators' bus to Park City isn't ready? Needs an oil change and new tires? It probably didn't help Twin Falls' cause that Adams decided to rest Duncan in what I overheard him call a "blowout victory". With one day left, the Gators have the 7-2 lead, but FG%, rebounds, steals, blocks, turnovers, and points are all up in the air. If the Gators lose, it would be an unraveling the likes of which I haven't seen since Weber State against Montana.

3/14/10

And there's the final horn. 6-2-1, Gators. In the end, the Trojans put up a fight but it was too much of that patented all-around great play from the Gators. You gotta wonder how this would have ended if the...ahem..."EBP" would have have played one more game. Sure, they would have lost turnovers, but rebounds, and conceivably points and steals could have been the Trojans'. But it's on to Park City for the Gators, back to Rigby for the Trojans, and back to WFBL headquarters for me. I think I see some youths coming down the alley swinging sacks of potatoes in a menacing fashion.


Igs, Jai Rai, Set Record For Most Clichés in a Single Article

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—With the crowd at their backs, Maracaibo came blazing out of the gates in the World Semfinals like a well-oiled machine firing on all cylinders. Udorn, meanwhile, looked like they left their 'A' game back in Udorn whilst wandering behind a Venezuelan woodshed for 7-2 whooping.

EBP candidate David Lee illuminated Maracaibo's winning strategy, "When the Jai Rai looked a little out of synch early, we smelled blood and went for the jugular. We knew we couldn't afford to get lackadaisical, so we just tried to keep this one in the bag.

"It was all over but the shouting after the first few days," continued Andre Igoudala, "so we decided to put on a clinic, 'How to Seal Victories.' After all, our fans weren't paying hard earned money to watch us taking a cakewalk in the park."

So what went wrong for Udorn? Kobe Bryant broke down Udorn's subpar effort with this nugget of wisdom, "Well, instead of playing to win, I think we were playing not to lose. But give Maracaibo credit. They got us on the ropes and blew the game wide open with a coffin-nailing knock out punch."

Udorn owner Devin Jackson also lamented, "I think it's clear that we've gone to the well once too often. We circled the wagons around Kobe all season, so him only having two games really took the wind out of our sails."

"Plus, they did play 6 more games than us," groused Danny Granger, offering the only tangible, game-related fact of this entire article.

Around the Consolation Ladder

Kings 5, SnowBees 4

Butchers 5, Stratagem 4

Underdogs 5, Tigers 3, The Game

Rd 1 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Rigby Trojans 5 (71%)
Twin Falls Gators 2 (28%)

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (71%)
Udorn Jai-Rai 2 (28%)

Week 19 EBP:

LeBron James, Rigby—4 votes (57% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Mar 24-30, 2008

First-class stamp: $0.42

Average movie ticket price: $7.18

#1 Song:"Love In This Club"—Usher ft. Young Jeezy
#1 Movie: "21"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Round 1 from 2008 (Mar 24-30). LeBron James has now won two EBP trophies. He's also now lost both playoff series immediately following receiving his award. Both times, those losses have come at the hands of the Gators. This was the first.

ROUND ONE, MAR 24-30, 2008

Gators Chomp 'Caibo, Kobe "Makes Statement" All Over LeBron's EBP Trophy

TWIN FALLS (AP)—As the final buzzer sounded, Kobe Bryant,
his Twin Falls Gators having just beaten Maracaibo 5-4—their first-ever playoff series victory—calmly walked over to rival LeBron James of the Iguanas. Was it to exchange pleasantries on a series well-played? Was it to wish him luck in his future endeavors? You don't know Kobe Bryant.

With thousands of Maracaibo fans watching in disbelief, the Mamba, ever the dignitary, grabbed LeBron's EBP trophy, which the Iguana had just received in a pre-series ceremony, and broke the bronze statue with his bare hands. He then threw the bottom half at LeBron's face, and bit off, chewed and swallowed the trophy's head.

"Let 'em go, let 'em go," said Commissioner Barnes, who was on hand for the series, as respective team officials tried to rush onto the court to deter the brawl that was certain to ensue. "They need to settle this themselves."

Only there was no brawl, no retaliation from LeBron. The 2008 Exceedingly Beneficial Participant only stood and cried as Kobe surprisingly had no problem chewing the trophy head, a replica of James' own noggin, which is no small feat considering the size to which it had grown over the past few weeks.

Kobe muttered no words, for words were unnecessary. The chewing said it all.

Bryant stepped up his game for the playoff clash, besting his averages in many categories. LeBron, however, couldn't do the same, and the disappointing Iguanas, not necessarily known for coming through in the clutch, fell in the first round of the playoffs once again.

"Leave to the Igs to the throttling! ARGHHHHHHH!" coach Fran Hopkin was heard to have said. "It is all the pressure of Chavez!"

It was quite a statement the Mamba made, who is obviously upset about not winning his second EBP trophy. One can only imagine what he'll do when faced against the top-seeded and regular season champion St. George Underdogs this week.

"We wanted to come in here and make a statement," said the Gators' Allen Iverson, speaking of statements. "That statement was: We are advancing to the next round. All apologies to Zermatt, but we feel we are the best team right now, and guess what, St. George...it's your turn to receive a statement."

And receive a statement they did, as the Gators would go on to do the unthinkable, defeating the U-Dogs 8-1 and earning their only Concludings trip.

Round One Previews

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Wasatch Conference Round One









One final Spud State Showdown. This time, it's for the whole potato.

Season Series: Gators, 12-5-1

Seed: 3
Record: 80-77-5
Outlook: Led by two-time league EBP LeBron James, the Trojans won three of their last four to secure their second-ever postseason berth. Despite his greatness, there are rumblings that Wallace may hold James out a game to try to win turnovers. It may be a risky move, but Rigby needs to do whatever they can to get their first win of the season against Twin Falls.

Seed: 2
Record: 85-71-6
Outlook: With a chance to seal up the first-round bye, the Gators lost consecutive 3-6 games. D-Will and Co. owned the Trojans in the regular season, but will they have enough to keep up with the EBP? And how will Tyreke Evans match up against fellow rookie Steph Curry?


Prediction: 5-4










World Conference Round One









The Jai-Rai look to avenge last season's Rd 1 loss to the Igs.

Season Series: Tied, 9-9-0

Seed: 3
Record: 82-79-1
Outlook: The Jai-Rai won their last two—including a 5-4 victory over Maracaibo—to clinch their second-straight playoff appearance. Kobe and Granger are both finally back and healthy, but will the Mamba's two games this week be enough to overcome the 4-game advantage the Igs hold?

Seed: 2
Record: 83-73-6
Outlook: The Igs have beaten the top two teams in the WFBL (Park City and Zermatt) in two of the last three weeks. Sandwiched between those victories was a loss to the Jai-Rai, however. One worries about where the focus of the Igs will be, as coach Hopkin will likely have his attention elsewhere (something about getting married?).


Prediction: 5-4

This Week in the WFBL—Week 17

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Less AK is More for Igs, While Less Wade is Still Less for 'Dancers

















Nice try Dwayne, but it's a different world from where you come from.

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—There is an old adage: As Dwyane Wade goes, so goes the Sundancers. Keeping this in mind, Park City's week didn't start off very well when an unfortunate travel mix up saw not Wade stepping off the team plane in Maracaibo, but Dwayne Wayne, a mathematics major at Hillman College.

With weekly rosters already submitted, Park City's legal team worked quickly to uncover an obscure league rule that states, "After lineups are finalized, a substitute can start in place of a designated player if his name features 9 out of the same 10 letters in similar, if not identical, order."

Known around campus for his characteristic flip-up sunglasses and flirtatiousness, but not for his basketball prowess, Wayne felt guilty about the mix up and decided to try suiting up. He played the first game and a half, but kept turning the ball over when he would pause mid-dribble to make eyes at the foxy Venezuelan girls in the stands. Finally, Park City coach Dave Barton kindly thanked him for his efforts, but explained they'd take their chances going 4 on 5.

In addition to this built-in advantage, the Iguanas got standout performances from David Lee and Ray Allen. Plus, guest coach Sinbad pulled all the right strings, including benching Andrei Kirilenko only 9 minutes into his final game due to "back spasms." The surprising move came after Kirilenko made a single basket to secure field goal percentage, but before he had a chance to compile 2 turnovers, resulting in the final score of 6-2-1.

Kirilenko addressed the benching after the game, "I like playing, but I like game much more when it comes with win. It feels twice better.”

Afterstats

The Iguanas broke the all time free throw percentage record this week, shooting an otherworldly 0.9211 from the charity stripe. This narrowly topped the previous mark of 0.9206 set by Nephi last season. Who actually keeps track of this stuff? Oh, just some nameless committee.

The Sundancers continue to give voters reason to pick against them, losing their third of five "Game of the Week" matchups this season, going 19-24-2 overall. And with the real Wade still lost in transit somewhere, Park City will be without him once again as they prepare to take on St. George in week 18.

Around the WFBL

Stratagem 5, Abominables 3, Humanity 1

Gators 6, Kings 2, Your Face 1

Underdogs 7, Tigers 2

Trojans 5, Jai-Rai 3, Jessie's Mom 1

SnowBees 5, Butchers 3, The Children 1

Week 17 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Park City Sundancers 1 (16%)

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (83%)

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Fun Facts: Feb 18-24, 2008

First-class stamp: $0.42

Average movie ticket price: $7.18

#1 Song:"Low"—Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
#1 Movie: "Vantage Point"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 17 from 2009(Feb 18-24). It was two years ago, but the concept of a "live-blog" was still a revolutionary idea. Who better than the WFBL to try it out on Week 17's Game of the Week, which featured Los Iguanas de Maracaibo (trying to catch first-place St. George) and the Udorn Jai-Rai (hoping to sneak into the playoffs).

WEEK SEVENTEEN, FEB 18-24, 2008

Live-Blogging the Game of the Week

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—You're lookin' live at El Arena de Basquet de Hugo Chávez! It's the WFBL's Week 17 Game of the Week! I'll be your host for this evening, in the first-ever Live Blog of a WFBL game.

2/19/08 9:18 AM Morning Shootaround

I've been to Maracaibo plenty of times, but I'll never get over how green everything is down here. And not just the foliage, but the basketball court too. My goodness who designed this monstrosity?

The teams are warming up and things are not looking good for the Jai-Rai, I can tell you that. Gerald Wallace is not running the drills, but is sitting on the bench and has a small red box above his head with a white cross inside of it. This may not bode well for his availability this week.

5:30 PM Pregame Warmups

'Caibo is 6.5 back of the U-Dogs with five weeks to go, and
despite being a lock for the playoffs, would like a big win here to close the gap. Udorn on the other hand, needs to win and needs some help, as they are in seventh place, 3.5 behind Richmond for the final playoff spot. Grab your Maltín Polar, we got a playoff atmosphere in Maracaibo!

7:30 PM

Wallace's Red box is gone! He's in the game! And he's playing terribly bad. 0-9? Really? Between him, Duncan (2-12), TMac (6-21), and Turkoglu (4-13), Udorn ends up shooting .319. Ouch. D-Will's come to play, and can't seem to miss. Despite the poor shooting and LeBron's triple-double, the visiting Jai-Rai go into Wednesday up 6-3.

2/20/08

The Iguanas mascot sure can get the party started like nothing I've ever seen. He just sprayed confetti all over the Jai-Rai bench! What fun! You know who should be the Igs mascot? Chris Bosh. You paint him green and he looks just like an Iguana.

Speaking of Bosh, he just dropped 40 on Udorn, only missing two shots. Throw in another triple-double from SteakTrash, and darned if 'Caibo isn't feelin' it right now. The Igs have stormed back to take a 7-2 lead. Can the Jai-Rai respond?

2/21/08

We got ourselves a rip-snorter! Udorn, thanks to assists and free throws from Timmy D (!), has cut the Iguana lead down to 5-4. Who would win in a fight? An Iguana or a snake-wielding monkey? You gotta think if a monkey can control a snake enough to wield it, it should have no problem with an Iguana. I think you could even tie one of the monkey's hands behind it's back, it still has that other hand to wield the Iguana. What if the Iguana had a knife for a tail though? I'd like to see that fight.

2/22/08

Bad news for Jai-Rai fans: not only is Gerald Wallace's injury icon back, but it smacked him in the nose and knocked him out cold. No one knows how long Wallace will be out, and things don't bode well for Udorn. Another near-triple-double for LeBron, and the Igs are back up 6-3.

2/23/08

It's still 6-3 Iguanas, but the big news is they got the Dancin' Grannies for the timeout show. One of them I swear looks like she is 100 years old, and I think she's the same lady who hit the half-court shot during an earlier timeout to win a Daewoo. If she dunks off a trampoline through a ring of fire, I don't care how old she is, I'm asking her to marry me.

2/24/08

The Jai-Rai are making a game of this, but it looks like they've run out of time. Another near triple-double by LeBron just about seals it for the Igs, 5-4. Man, Udorn has to be wondering how they would have done had Gerald Wallace not gotten smacked in the nose with that little red box...and 'Caibo has to be frustrated that they lost ground on the U-Dogs despite the win. And I'm frustrated that I now have to try and find a cab ride back to my hotel. Have you ever tried to hail a cab in Venezuela? ¿Dos mil Bolivares? ¡No, vale!

The Igs wouldn't catch the U-Dogs in the standings and the columnist was attacked by bat-wielding "Chavistas" outside his hotel. Hmmm, maybe that's why there hasn't been a WFBL live blog since?

This Week in the WFBL—All-Star Diversion Week

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Smucker's Jam Festival
















What? Me cheat? No way!

As popular as his "OJ and Mayo Jam" was last year, OJ Mayo's entry in the 2010 Smucker's Jam Festival—a new recipe he calls "Mayo and OJ Jam"—was no match for the traditional strawberry jam prepared by Salt Lake SnowBee and Pampered Chef Consultant Pau Gasol, who impressed the event's sponsors by presenting his jam in a Smucker's jar, complete with Smucker's labeling and nutrition information.

"I'd like to thank the people at Pampered Chef," Gasol said during a teary-eyed acceptance speech, "for helping me 'Discover the Chef in [Me].' Without the 8-Inch Chef's knife (no. 1054, $75.00) and the Measure, Mix & Pour (no. 2265, $11.50) and the Salad & Berry Spinner (no. 1785, $55.00), none of this would be possible."

Gasol then invited any fans and media members who would be interested in hosting their own Pampered Chef party to come see him after the press conference. But as the line began forming, it was suddenly discovered that Gasol had not really made his prize-winning jam—he had actually just bought a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam and entered it as his own. When confronted with this accusation, Gasol at first tried to look incredulous and indignant, but finally broke down in tears and confessed.

"It's true! It's all true!" he sobbed. "I can't keep living a lie. There is no 'Chef in [Me].' I thought that purchasing a bunch of overpriced cooking utensils and cookware would make me a good cook—that it would somehow improve the taste of the food I cook with it, but it was all a lie. I have learned my lesson now: the best foods are made only by large corporations that mass-produce their food in huge factories with lots of preservatives."

Despite the Smucker's Corporation's warm approval of this apology, Gasol was nevertheless disqualified from competition and stripped of his prize, which was awarded instead to hometown favorite Andrei Kirilenko of the Iguanas, whose vodka-flavored jam was less than appetizing but got enthusiastic support from the Russian judge, Vladimir Putin. And at least he made it himself.

Master Lock Bill Havlicek Memorial Steal & Hostess Turnover Contest

After implementing sweeping changes for no particular reason, this year's competition barely resembled that of years past. As the only two players in the league to average 2+ steals and 3+ turnovers per game, Dwyane Wade and Monta Ellis were selected to represent their respective conferences.

The revised rules were simple. Whoever could maintain possession for five seconds would be declared the winner. The ball was placed at center court as Wade and Ellis shook hands, turned back to back, then walked a set number of paces like an old-timey duel. Each player then turned and lunged for the ball, which squirted away like a hot potato slathered in vaseline.

The ball changed hands countless times over the next 30 minutes. As one player would grab the ball and start dribbling, the other player would poke it loose, dive after it, and so on and so forth. Wade eventually triumphed by grabbing the ball and shoving it under his jersey for the required 5 seconds before it slipped out the right leg of his shorts.

Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge


















Wow! Look at Dwight soar to get that rebound! Is he almost using two hands?

Dwight Howard, two-time defending champion of the Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge, knew that in order to three-peat this year, he'd have to do something special.

"This contest, which has traditionally been the highlight of Diversion Weekend," Howard explained just minutes before taking the court to defend his title, "has been suffering from a lack of originality the past few years. Of course every fan loves a good rebound, but there's kind of a 'been there, done that' attitude—a sense from fans that they've already seen every possible kind of rebound. Well, this year, I hope to change all that."

With that enticing introduction, Howard removed his warmups to reveal a Superman costume, to the thunderous approval of the crowd. He then provided the first surprise of the night by announcing that, rather than rebounding missed shots from a teammate (as is traditional in the rebound challenge), he would rebound his OWN missed free throws. Next he threw the fans into hysteria by missing wildly from the free-throw line and creatively rebounding his misses in every way imaginable: by grasping the ball with his right hand and securing it with his left, then by grasping it with his left hand and securing it with his right. Finally, with the capacity crowd holding its collective breath, he grabbed his final rebound with BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME. At first no one could believe it, but when slow-motion replays on the jumbotron confirmed that both hands touched the ball at exactly the same moment, the arena simply erupted.

Unfortunately for Howard, the panel of judges—consisting of Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, his Bolivian puppet Evo Morales, former Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-il, and the earthly remains of Ivan the Terrible—were unimpressed. In fact, they penalized Howard 3,000 points for "holding political ideologies that are disloyal to Communism and to the welfare of the State" and 4,000 points for "apparent sympathies toward the United States and its capitalistic corruption." Similar penalties were assessed to other participants, including Bayside's Chris Bosh, the Iguanas' Joakim Noah, and Richmond's Marcus Camby, leaving each with a negative score.

As a result, the winner of the 2010 Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge was Yao Ming, a late addition to the contest who has not played a single game this season because of injury and actually can't even stand up without help. With a final score of zero, Yao easily finished with the most points and accepted his award via videoconference from his small, concrete, government-issued apartment in China. His acceptance speech—in which he attributed his victory to the paternal care of the Communist Party and to the principles of Social Marxism that have forever guided his life—was met with thunderous yet dignified applause played at high volume over the arena's sound system.

Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out
















After staging a relatively quiet event last year, fans and officials alike were hoping for another traditional, old school throw-down—sans weaponry. But just as the bell sounded for the semifinal bout between Rasheed Wallace and Kendrick Perkins, the door to the jungle court was splintered by an axe. And who should stick his head through the gaping hole but suspended Gilbert Arenas, proclaiming, "Heeeeeere's Gilby!"

Fortunately, league security acted quickly, shooting the crazed Arenas with horse tranquilizer before dragging him away. Sporting unkept hair and wearing only rags, one can only speculate that Arenas has been living in the Venezuelan jungle since his suspension, foraging for sustenance while waiting for a chance to exact revenge on former teammate Kobe Bryant. But living a transient life also surely means he must have missed the announcement that Kobe wouldn't be participating in any All Star festivities due to injury.

Thus the Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out was declared over before it really got started, and the top prize was awarded to the aforementioned members of league security for their quick thinking and razor sharp aim. However, lost in all the excitement was why they were toting horse tranquilizer in the first place.

Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival











"Put yo hands UP!"

The Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival never disappoints, and this year was no exception. First up was Redickulous, filling in for last year's winner, The Jonas/Korver Brothers. After a few minutes it was clear that Redickulous is a one-trick pony, as the band of Rigby Trojans headlined by JJ Redick repeatedly played their one "hit"—DOOOOOOO-HAN!—despite the judges' insistence that they perform a new arrangement.

Next up was the entire World Conference All-Stars—featuring Jeff Bridges, Kanye West, Billy Crystal, and other assorted stars from music, television and movies—singing a special musical number called "We Are the World (Conference)" as a tribute to the people of Thailand and the 2004 tsunami relief effort. It was a stirring rendition, and most definitely would have won were it not for West incessantly "singing" out of turn ("I'ma let you finish, but the Wasatch is the best conference of all time. Of all time!)

But in what will undoubtedly be the talk of All-Star Diversion Week, the evening ended with Kobe Bryant—who up until now was thought to have been enjoying his break in Udorn, resting his ailing ankle—and LeBron James, decked in black leotards and singing their version of the Beyoncé hit "All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)", entitled "All the Superstars (Put a Ring on It)".

"It was an obvious slap in the face to the management of both the Twin Falls Gators and Los Iguanas de Maracaibo," said judge Phil Jackson. "The lyrics were poignant—especially the chorus, 'if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it'—you could feel the bitterness of the two EBPs up there. It was a liberating message to all those teams who don't take advantage of having an EBP on their team. I guess if the Gators and the Igs liked 'em, they shoulda won a ring!"









The 'Dancers have a two-game lead on the Gators with three weeks to go, and need to create as much breathing room as they can as a Week 19 date with Twin Falls looms. The Igs need a win in a bad way to not only keep pace with the A-Boms, but to fend off the Jai-Rai, who trail Maracaibo by two games for the final World playoff spot.

This Week in the WFBL—Week 11

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Virginia Reeling: Butchers' Floppy Ears, Soft Noses to Blame for Loss

















The many faces of the Richmond Butchers (clockwise from top left: Floppy-Ear Pins, I Gotta Pee, Dude Where's My Hummer?, and Soft-Nosed Melo)

RICHMOND (AP)—There are many possible reasons why the Richmond Butchers lost last week's critical World Conference showdown with then-slumping Maracaibo. For example, it may have been because guard Carmelo Anthony sat out the entire week with an injury. Or perhaps it was because Iguana coach Fran Hopkin learned the Russian word for "pass" (пропуск) and began yelling it at Andrei Kirilenko, who wound up with 14 assists. Or maybe Iguana forward Boris Diaw dug deep and found some of that mental courage and physical fortitude that the French are famous for.

Those are all nice theories, and they're sufficient for the casual basketball beat writer, who only attends basketball games for the dramatic electronic music they play during pregame introductions. But serious students of the game, such as yours truly, want more. We come to the game early so we can hear the hip hop music BEFORE the pregame introductions. And we stay late so we can attend postgame press conferences--and not just for the complimentary donuts. Between donuts we interview the players and ruminate with them on the finer points of their craft.

Sure, anyone could see that Kirilenko played like Ivan Drago. But WHY? Well, consider this insight from Butchers center Marcus Camby, which he provided while I was finishing off an apple fritter: "The Iguanas, you know, they just pin their ears back and play hard. Our ears, you probably noticed, were not pinned back at all this week. We're just not the same team with our ears all flopping around everywhere."

Guard Jason Kidd claims that he tried to pin his ears back early in the week, but they kept coming "unpinned." His face, consequently, was significantly less aerodynamic, and the resultant drag caused him to lose a bit of his blazing speed. "So all those times you saw [Igs guard] Chauncey Billups blow past me? That was because of my stupid ears not staying pinned."
Then Wilson Chandler said something I didn't hear because I was arguing with the Iguanas beat writer about which of us would get the last maple bar (I think he swore at me, but I'm not really sure because he only speaks Spanish).

Anyway, I got back in time to hear Channing Frye say this: "Another problem with not having our ears pinned back was that made our game faces fall off. That's why I spent the whole series with my 'I have to go to the bathroom' face on and Camby had his 'Uh-oh, I can't remember where I parked my hummer' face on.

"This also explains why we played such soft-nosed defense all week. Usually we're a very hard-nosed team, but that's when we have our game faces on. Otherwise our noses are somewhat rubbery—squishy even. And it all goes back to not having our ears pinned back. Clearly that was the key to the game."

Richmond fans hope the Butchers get their safety-pin issues cleared up before their upcoming series against Rigby, which begins...well, it has already begun. Sorry. But I couldn't start writing this article until I finished my maple bar. (That's right, amigo. Es mio!)

Around the WFBL

Abominables 5, Jai-Rai 4

Gators 7, Trojans 2

Stratagem 8, Underdogs 1

Sundancers 8, SnowBees 1

Kings 6, Tigers 3

Week 11 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (62%)

Richmond Butchers 3 (37%)

Week 10 EBP:

Chris Paul, Zermatt—4 votes (57% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Jan 7-13, 2008

Loaf of Bread: $1.59

Gallon of milk: $3.28

#1 Song: "Low"—Flo Rida ft. T-Pain

#1 Movie: "The Bucket List"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 11 from 2008 (Jan 7- 13). The Park City Sundancers were still new to this whole WFBL thing, and despite making the playoffs in their first season, were off to a bit of a rocky start to 2008. What would the future hold for the 'Dancers?

WEEK ELEVEN, JAN 7-13, 2008

Great Scott! 'Dancers Face Point of No Return

PARK CITY (AP)—With Chris Bosh and Jason Richardson providing Los Iguanas de Caibo with the 1.21 gigawatts of power needed to generate a 6-3 victory, the Park City Sundancers are now finding themselves on the verge of being erased from existence, or WFBL contention as it were.

A league analyst, known only as "Mr. Strickland," had some strong words for Park City following their manure-like effort against Maracaibo. "That team is filled with slackers. I don't know why they even try to field a team each week, no Sundancer ever amounted to anything in the history of the WFBL!"

Not everyone believes the Sundancers are done for. Park City guard Jose Calderon speculated, "Just you wait, we'll turn things around. It's our density. I mean, our destiny. At least, that's what Darth Vader told me last night after he threatened to melt my brains."

Owner Dave Barton puzzled, "I have searched high and low for the answer to this paradox. I have reached the conclusion that while building this team, I made a critical error somewhere along the line that has caused the Space Time Continuum to skew into an alternate WFBL season. How else do you explain that the league's top team is managed without incident by a 5 year old, and the Sundancers are a distant 9.5 games out of the playoff picture, with only two series wins in eleven chances?"

After inviting reporters to follow him into his lab, Barton continued, "Allow me to illustrate the vital juncture our team is facing with this model train set. I apologize that it is not to scale. This windmill represents our matchup against Zermatt next week—our point of no return. Either we handily beat the Abominables and send ourselves back to the future, coasting smoothly along the completed bridge of the rest of the season, or our metaphorical train will plummet off the unfinished tracks into soon-to-be-renamed Sundancer Ravine.

"Having said that, our future is whatever we make it, and we plan on making it a good one."

The Sundancers would go on to defeat the Abominables the following week—and one can argue that Doc Barton's assessment of it being a turning point was correct. The 'Dancers would go on to win six of their final ten matchups, and—while not making the postseason—taking home the Consolation tote bag. The following year, Park City made their first-ever Concludings trip.

Week 10 Power Rankings

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Where It's Never Too Early to Talk EBP

While Spud State Showdown II may be the more glamorous pick, Iguanas-Butchers gets the nod for Game of the Week. Why? Well, The Igs recently had 1st place pulled out from under them and need a win right now to stop the madness. The Butchers know the time is now to assert themselves as the class of the World.

Not since its Inaugural Season five years ago (did you know this was the league's 5th season?) has the WFBL seen such an even distribution of talent amongst its teams. In the World Conference, the fifth-place team (Udorn) is a mere 3 games out of first, and the last-place team (Bayside) was 10 points away from beating the first-place team (Zermatt). In the Wasatch, the last-place team (Nephi) has gone 13-5 on the season against the first-place team (Twin Falls), and the fourth and fifth-place teams are a mere 4.5 out of the top spot. As of our deadline, the top 11 players on the Player Rater came from 11 different teams (sorry Nephi). The weekly EBP race has yielded but two repeat winners so far (Chris Paul and LeBron James).

Whew. So what does it all mean? It means, with the announcement of All-Star teams just around the corner, we're using this week's Power Rankings as an opportunity to give an assessment of each team's first-half EBP, complete with an interesting statistic or two. Because when you boil it down, that's all we're really playing with—statistics.


Team, Rank, (Previous), Record

1 (3) 46-42-2
Chris Paul. The A-Boms find themselves unexpectedly back in the top spot, thanks in no small part to the reigning EBP. Since Paul returned from his injury, the A-Boms have won 3 of 4 series, including a league-leading three straight. It's safe to say that as Paul goes, so go the A-Boms.

2 (4) 47-41-2

Kevin Durant. Finally looking like the player who caused Dave Barton to debate making him his keeper a year ago, Durant has been on fire of late, helping the 'Dancers creep to within one game of the Wasatch lead. It's not often you face a season-defining week from LeBron and come out a winner.

3 (1) 47-39-4
Tyreke Evans. Yes Duncan is top-ten material. Yes D-Will is one of the best points in the league. But who would have thought that Tyreke Evans—drafted in the 12th round at #139—would turn into the consistent threat at the SG spot that Adams would need? Evans missed this week with injury, and the Gators lost for the first time in five weeks...coincidence?

4 (2) 45-44-1
Carmelo Anthony. Marcus Camby almost gets the vote here, but he's had top-ten seasons before. Carmelo's never even made an All-Star game (which is saying something, since the WFBL really hands out a lot of spots). Melo's scoring and percentages, both up from his career averages, have kept the Butchers near the top all season.

5 (8) 43-44-3
Steve Nash. No wonder TJ loves him so much. Nash leads the league in assists, and amongst point guards (min 16 games played) is 1st in FG%, 5th in FT%, 9th in threes, and 8th in pts. If I were TJ, I'd throw away the lock to that cage they're keeping Nash in.

6 (5) 46-42-2
LeBron James. The King has been the atop the Player Rater for almost the entire season, and is almost single-handedly turning the Trojans from a laughing stock a season ago to one of this year's top teams, three-week losing streak be darned. The Power Rankings never thought they'd say this, but boy, aren't the Trojans glad they passed on Chris Paul?

7 (9) 44-46-0
Kobe Bryant. First, a caveat. The Power Rankings have no idea why the Jai-Rai are below .500. This team should be dominating. But ever since Granger went down, the Mamba has stepped up and may be looking at his first starting spot in the All-Star Game in two years. His season averages: 49% FG, 85% FT, 1.2 threes, 5.6 rebs, 4.6 asts, 2 stls, .2 blks, 3.1 tos and a whopping 30.2 points per game.

8 (10) 44-45-1
Josh Smith. What? No Dirk? Well, the SnowBees have tried this with Dirk before, and what has it gotten them? This year, the key ingredient in the SnowBees' surprising non-suck souffle has been the addition of do-everything Josh Smith. Every year, the good teams have a guy that gives you something in every category. For Salt Lake, Smith is that guy.

9 (6) 43-44-3
Mo Williams. Who would have thought that 10 weeks into the season Mo Williams would be higher on the Player Rater than the likes of Chris Paul, Jason Kidd, Dwyane Wade and Brandon Roy? Despite losing two straight, the U-Dogs are within striking distance of that final Wasatch playoff spot thanks to the former Sundancer's stellar play.

10 (12) 41-48-1
Chris Bosh. I mean Amar'e Stoudemire. No wait, Amar'e has underachieved all year. Brandon Roy. Yeah, Brandon Roy. It's been an odd season for the Strats; the highs have been high (sweeping the Gators) and the lows have been low (1-7-1 and 1-8 losses to the 'Dancers and Jai-Rai), but Roy has been the one constant on a team full of question marks.

11 (7) 43-43-4
David Lee. Can you give a mid-season team EBP to a guy who hasn't started since Week 6? Yes, because the Igs haven't won since he was benched (which coincided with Coach Hopkin's marriage proposal..."Engagement Curse" anyone?) and are 4-2 in matchups with Lee (ranked 11th on the Player Rater) in the starting lineup, 0-3-1 without.

12 (11) 38-49-3
Chris Bosh. As bad as the Tigers have been, it's really not their worst effort. Last season after ten weeks, Bayside was 33-55-2; 36-52-2 in 2007-08; and 31-55-4 in 2005-06. In fact, Bosh's consistent play has Bayside off to their best start since their 2006-07 Championship season, when they started off 46-43-1. Go Bayside!

Who is your team's mid-season EBP? Tell us what's up in the comments. And don't forget to cast your lot on the Game of the Week and Week 10's EBP!