This Week in the WFBL—Week 7

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Daughters of Troy: Rigby Prevails during "Bring Your Daughter to Work" Week

Four-year-old Shaquira O'Neal had a ball playing with Daddy during Bring Your Daughter to Work week

RICHMOND (AP)—Last week, in an attempt to improve its bad-boy image, the WFBL held its first-ever "Bring Your Daughter to Work" week, during which, as the name suggests, players were invited to bring their daughters—the ones they're aware of and who don't have restraining orders against them—to work with them for a week. Players who do not have daughters were reprimanded by the league and urged to find one by the end of the week.

"The WFBL is all about family and wholesomeness and things like that," said league activities committee chair Phil Jackson, who brought his daughter Philippina to work and had her help him write press releases. "We are also strong supporters of rainbows, slumber parties, and ponies."

One of the most enthusiastic participants in the event was Trojans reserve center Shaquille O'Neal, whose four-year-old daughter Shaquira stands 6-foot-8 and is exploring career options in basketball, though she's also considering becoming a ballet dancer or a fairy princess.

"I'm really thankful to the league for this opportunity to show my little Shaquira what Daddy does at work all day," Daddy O'Neal said after spending the week with his daughter in Richmond, where his Trojans faced the Butchers. "I really wanted to give her a realistic picture of what a typical workday is like in the WFBL. And I'm hoping to steer her away from that fairy princess career she keeps talking about. A lot of bad influences in that field, you know.

"So first I took her to my favorite tattoo parlor and got her a tattoo of a snake slithering through the eye socket of a human skull. Then I showed her all of the best night clubs in Richmond. Let's see, what else? Oh, I showed her how to order room service at the hotel and charge it to Coach Wallace's room. During the games we mostly sat on the bench and played clapping games like 'Miss Mary Mack' and 'Hello Operator.'"

Asked whether the experience convinced her to pursue a career in the WFBL, Shaquira seemed unconvinced: "I don't know. I'm a little disillusioned, to tell you the truth. Daddy always says he's this superstar athlete. Frankly, he has trouble bending over to tie his shoes. It's actually a good thing Coach never plays him, because I'm not sure he'd be able to get out of his seat on the bench without help. From what I hear, the longevity of a fairy princess is like twice as long as a basketball player, so I'm looking at that a lot more seriously."

Other players saw "Bring Your Daughter to Work" week as an opportunity to teach their daughters life skills that they could use in any future vocation. Richmond forward Carmelo Anthony taught his daughter Mary Jane an important lesson about dealing with criticism.

"Mary Jane's mom tells me that sometimes her teacher at school points out errors in her work," Melo said, "and Mary Jane just kind of accepts it and sometimes even corrects her own errors and tries to do better next time. So I saw this week as an opportunity to nip that in the bud, so to speak. I had her watch carefully whenever a ref called a foul on me. I was very careful to model how you stare the ref down, or sometimes I'd stand there with a shocked, pained expression and say 'What?! A foul on ME?!' Then I had her count how many fouls I could get away with the rest of the game.

"I also showed her how I roll my eyes and shift my weight impatiently while Coach is talking during timeouts. I knew I had finally reached her when I asked her if she learned anything and she rolled her eyes at me! That's my girl!"

But by far the most impressive participant in "Bring Your Daughter to Work" week was Candace Parker, a WNBA star whom many consider to be the best female basketball player in the world. Luckily for the Trojans, she also happens to be the oldest daughter of Tony Parker, even though she bears no resemblance to the Rigby point guard or to his wife, Eva Longoria. ("She's from a previous marriage," Parker insists.) In any event, Candace Parker scored 75 points and handed out 29 assists and played stifling defense on Jason Kidd to lead Daddy's Trojans to a 6-3 victory over the Richmond Butchers.

Unluckily for the Trojans, "Bring Your Daughter to Work" week is now officially over. This means they will not have Candace's services—or Shaquira's help tying her daddy's shoes—when they face Wasatch Conference rival Twin Falls next week, which, rumor has it, will be "Bring Your Pet Goldfish to Work" week.

Around the WFBL

Stratagem 6, Abominables 3

Underdogs 6, Tigers 3

SnowBees 6, Jai-Rai 3

Gators 5, Kings 3, Everyone 1

Sundancers 4, Iguanas 4, Everyone 1

Week 7 Game of the Week Voting Results:

Rigby Trojans 7 (100%)

Richmond Butchers 0 (0%)

Week 6 EBP:

Dwyane Wade, Park City—4 votes (44% of vote)

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Fun Facts: Dec 8-14, 2008

Gallon of gas: $1.81

Gallon of milk: $2.74

#1 Song: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It"—Beyoncé

#1 Movie: "The Day the Earth Stood Still"

Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 7 from 2008 (Dec 8-14). Normally we focus on one story each week, but Week 7 last year offered numerous insights into the minds (Shaq's twitter), hearts (the Gasol-Miller bromance) and PR departments (Alger the A-Bom!) of so many WFBL teams.

WEEK SEVEN, DEC 8-14, 2008

Gators Lose Again, Not Shaq's Fault
















OMG tha Igwanaz waxd r carcuss!! QUE PASA? LOL the Big ARISTOTLE
about 7 hours ago from txt.

MARACAIBO (AP)—The Twin Falls Gators just don't seem to be the team they used to lately, falling to top-ranked Maracaibo 6-3. While there are plenty of players at whom the finger of fault could easily be pointed, there is at least one Gator who can honestly say "don't look at me": Shaquille O'Neal.

That's because Shaq so far this season has given coach Shaun Adams little reason to put the former All-Star (but never in the WFBL) center in the starting lineup. So what does Shaq think about all this? What does the Big Benchwarmer do with all his spare time? Thanks to a modern technology called twitter, we were able to glean a number of interesting thoughts right from the Diesel's mouth, or fingers rather, as O'Neal whiled away the week on the bench, observing, thinking, musing. Here is just a sampling:

aw man we lost agin whatev man we still da best about 5 hours ago from txt

kobe make a shot how do it taste now lol about 12 hours ago from txt

adams looks busy with his football team geez wtf? about 12 hours ago from txt

every person who you count on counts on you Shaquille oneal Dec 13th from txt

saw rudolph on abc family new kind of family that santa is racist! LOL jk Dec 12th from txt

chaves roamin sidelines he is one angry dude why he hates america so much? ne1 no? Dec 11th from txt

Even the iguanas no me, da ones real small, i speak to em like ibadablaa, Jigamagla, bockeraaa Dec 11th from txt

jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun it is to SHAQ ATTACK! lol Dec 10th from txt

don't give up, bibby, don't eva give up! we miss u jimmy v! shaquille o'Neal Dec 10th from txt

IF YOU CAN'T WORK IT OUT THEN IT WILL WoRk out ON YOU JEEZ I SUCK ATT TYPIN!!LOL Dec 9th from txt

hello my twitterean brothers and sisters we r in venzuelia why is it so hotttt? lol TURN UP THE AC lol Dec 8th from txt
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Zermatt Introduces Mascot, Pummels Salt Lake

SALT LAKE (AP)—Proving that their humiliating loss to the Iguanas was merely an aberration (no really, honest!), Ben Barnes and the Zermatt Abominables took out their frustration on the hapless Salt Lake SnowBees, trouncing older brother by a score of 7-2. It was their first victory over Ted's team since the 2006-07 season.

But overshadowing all this was the Abominables' introduction of a new mascot, who starting last week can be found roaming the sidelines, energizing the crowd, organizing local charity events, and attending your child's birthday party for a reasonable fee.

"Alger the Abominable" was graciously allowed to be introduced during halftime of the A-Boms/SnowBees tilt last week (SnowBees officials claimed it was fine by them, as they hadn't planned on doing anything for halftime anyways), and he did not disappoint. After repelling from the jumbotron, the white-haired, red-eyed yeti (whose name means "clever warrior" in German) pranced around on stilts, waving to the mostly pro-Abominable crowd, who are known to follow their team around the globe.

Alger was raised by a pack of yetis in a cave high in the Swiss Alps, where he learned from a young age many skills that would help him to become who he is today: skills such as dunking basketballs off trampolines and silly-string marksmanship. After his time at the Glion Institute in Zurich, where he majored in Mascot Science (with a minor in Ferocity), Alger returned to Zermatt to claim the title of Official Team Mascot of the Zermatt Abominables.

"We see big things in the future with Alger," said Ben, as the furry snow monster was seen de-pantsing Salt Lake's Dirk Nowitzki during a fourth-quarter timeout. "He's a vital part of this team now. We let him come to board meetings and he always has so many clever ideas. He graduated with honors from Glion, you know."

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For SnowBee center Pau Gasol and A-bom guard Mike Miller, last week's series was a timely reminder that basketball, like all sports but more so, serves an important function in modern society: it allows grown men the opportunity to physically express affection in a setting safe from ridicule and artificial "machismo" inhibitions. Safe, that is, until someone finds a photograph of such a physical expression, rips it from its context, and posts it to an Internet blog site, leaving it fully exposed to all kinds of sarcasm and scorn. But that never happens.

"Over the past week, Michael and I have become very close," Gasol explained. "Before I knew him just as a name and a hand to shake before tipoff—and I suppose as a teammate with Bayside last year—but playing nine games against each other in seven days really gave us a chance to deepen our relationship."

Gasol went on (why stop him?): "I think it started in like the first or second game. I was playing away from the paint, like I always do—I'm listed as a center, but I'm more of a finesse, avoid-contact type of center than a get-rebounds type of center. Anyways, a shot went up, and I was watching to see who would get the rebound when I noticed Michael was boxing me out. And I thought to myself, 'Now, he knows I'm not in any danger of getting that rebound. Why would he do that?'

"Well, the next time down the floor he does the same thing, only this time he holds the box-out about a second longer than he needs to, and then it occurs to me that Michael is trying to connect. So I decided that for the rest of the series, instead of fulfilling my defensive assignment [defending Zermatt center Al Jefferson], which I wasn't really good at anyway, I would guard Michael and just see where things took us.

"It was a bit awkward at first, since he's a guard and I'm a center. And not to mention he had no business being on the court at all, since he wasn't even in the starting lineup. And some may argue that I cost my team the series by leaving Jefferson open so much. But what Michael and I have gained together is more important than any game, or any nine games."

Sadly, the series had to come to an end, as all series do. And with the Abominables ascending to a likely high playoff seed this season and the SnowBees, well, going in the other direction, the chance for another series between the teams seemed improbable. "Michael and I knew that this might be the last time we ever see each other. So at the end of game nine we promised that we'd do whatever we can to make sure our teams somehow meet again in one or the other of the league's postseason tournaments. Frankly, there's not much I can do on my end to get the SnowBees into the Concludings. Remember, I'm Pau Gasol, not Kevin Garnett or Chris Bosh. But Michael is hoping he can sabotage his team enough to drop them into the Consolation playoffs. So maybe there's still hope for us."

Shaq's twittering—which seemed like a weird aberration at the time—is now something the league and its fans shrug off as the norm, as it's more difficult to name a player who DOESN'T twitter than to name those who do. Alger is all the rage in Zermatt, and A-Bom officials didn't miss the opportunity to use that momentum to create the Abominables Kid's Club "Alger's A-Buddies". There's no word if Gasol and Miller have done any further, ahem, "connecting" since their last encounter, but sources claim to have spotted Miller at Gasol's Pampered Chef party.