Mom Was Wrong: This Is the End of the World
Interestingly enough, the end of the world for New York came in the form of an A-Bom.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK (AP)—All throughout your youth, and well into adulthood, your mother has told you that basketball is only a game, that losing a basketball game—even one with playoff implications—is not the end of the world. You always used to trust your mom, but now you're not so sure—especially if you're a New York Kings fan who just watched your team get throttled 6-3 by Zermatt and drop out of playoff position with only one week to play.
But Mom has since clarified her position: "My earlier comments about basketball being only a game were taken entirely out of context," she insists. "I was clearly referring to non-WFBL games. With the WFBL Playoffs quickly approaching and the Kings in jeopardy of missing them, I just want to state for the record that these games are obviously more than mere games, and that losing to Zermatt is, for all practical purposes, the end of the world."
All across New York—or, as New Yorkers call it, the world—Kings fans and their mothers are struggling to adjust to their new lives as fans of a potential nonplayoff team.
"The first problem we all face," explains 10-year-old Ricky Amato of Queens, "is what we're going to wear. All those Kings clothes we bought over the last few weeks are worthless now. Personally, I plan to go to school naked, if I go at all."
It seems there are a lot of Rickys out there who now wonder what meaning, if any, life still holds. "This loss really puts things in perspective for me," says heart surgeon Mike Liebermann of Brooklyn. "I used to wake up every morning enthusiastic about the prospects of saving people's lives as a heart surgeon, but now I'm questioning all that. If the Kings miss the playoffs, what kind of life am I saving them for? Am I really doing them a favor? I see now how meaningless everything really is compared to the Kings' playoff hopes."
Entire newspapers and TV stations across the world (or city; same thing) have shut down, and the Wall Street Kings Journal is considering changing its name back to simply the Wall Street Journal. "People don't want to hear about the Kings right now," explains Phil Jackson, editor-in-chief of the Journal. "The name change made sense during the Kings' recent win streak, but now it might actually hurt sales."
Ironically, the Kings' players themselves seem to be handling the loss much better than their fans are. "It really helps that we have lives outside of basketball--which, my mom always taught me, is just a game anyhow," explains point guard Steve Nash. "So, for example, whenever we have a disappointing loss, I take comfort in knowing that I can still get satisfaction from my Vitamin Water commercials. Yes, I star in a number of Vitamin Water commercials. These Vitamin Water commercials are really funny. Let me say that one more time so you can add a link to another of my Vitamin Water commercials."
Corey Maggette, following his intrepid point guard's example, recently ventured into the gastronomy business by opening a chain of restaurants called Corey Maggette's Spaghetti. "I used to get down about losing games," he says. "But now I see basketball for what it really is--just a vehicle to lend some name recognition to what I really love, my spaghetti restaurants. Of course, it also helps that my name rhymes with spaghetti. That's why Carlos Boozer's addiction recovery program never took off, in my opinion."
Forward Paul Pierce says he also finds personal satisfaction in nonbasketball-related activities, such as dressing up in ridiculous costumes and visiting local schools with former Kings teammate Rasheed Wallace. "This is especially fulfilling for Sheed and me since we never goed to school. Last week we learnt about the color wheel, and we gonna go back next week to discuss big, bigger, and biggest. We also both tried out for a school play, and they picked us to play Robin Hood and Maid Marian. The play runs the same week as the Concludings, so we told them there'd be no conflict."
Guard Stephen Jackson has a similar level of optimism about his team's chances in the playoffs. "In fact," he says, "I hope we don't make the playoffs, because I'm scheduled as the keynote speaker in an upcoming gun control convention, and then it's straight to Washington to lobby Congress to replace all of our nation's handguns with water pistols. So I'm a little too busy for the playoffs this year. Maybe next year."
Does this mean Jackson intends to miss the Consolation Round if the Kings do miss the playoffs? "What? There's a Consolation Round? So our consolation for losing basketball games is to play more basketball games? No thanks."
There is, of course, still hope for the world—if the Kings can beat Richmond by one game better than the Jai-Rai beat Bayside (or if they can lose by one game less than Udorn loses), then New York sneaks its way back into the playoffs. And that means little Ricky can start wearing clothes again, but it may also mean fewer Vitamin Water commercials, the school play will need to find a new Maid Marian, and America's streets will be less safe. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure what to root for.
Jai-Rai 5, Iguanas 4
Butchers 5, Tigers 4
Week 18 Game of the Week Voting Results:
Fun Facts: Feb 26-Mar 4, 2007
ZERMATT (AP)—Just when things were looking down for the Zermatt Abominables, just when scoreboard watching showed that a loss would all but crush their hopes for the regular season championship, just when another humiliating loss to the Twin Falls Gators seemed imminent, Ray Allen stood up as if to say "Not today, Gators!"
"I saw that my team needed me," said Allen, who missed the previous night's game with bone spurs in his ankle, and was not only doubtful to play Sunday, but was rumored to be out for the season as well.
"I figured, 'what's a few bone spurs, really?'"
Gritting his teeth and grimacing throughout, Allen willed away the pain in his right ankle and the Abominables held on to beat the Gators 6-3, keeping pace with the mighty Iguanas in the race for first place.
"When I saw blood dripping through the sock and he's hitting those free throws and draining those jumpers, that was storybook," said Zermatt forward Andre Iguodala.
"I don't think any of us have any idea what he went through to play tonight," said coach Ben Barnes. "For him to go out there and do what he did, his heart is so big."
After the series, Allen praised Zermatt support personnel.
"This training staff was just phenomenal—the things they did for me over the last four, five, six days,'' he said. ''To avoid having (the bone spurs) rattling around, they sutured the skin down to something in between the two tendons to keep the tendon out. It worked.''
The blood-stained sock was immediately taken from Allen's foot and shipped to the WFBL Lobby of Greatness in Magna, Utah.
The Abominables would hang on to win the regular season title before getting humiliated 9-0 in the Concludings by Bayside. Yes, that's right, Bayside. But the A-Boms can hang their hats on the fact that the win essentially knocked the Gators out of the playoff race.
Interestingly enough, the end of the world for New York came in the form of an A-Bom.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK (AP)—All throughout your youth, and well into adulthood, your mother has told you that basketball is only a game, that losing a basketball game—even one with playoff implications—is not the end of the world. You always used to trust your mom, but now you're not so sure—especially if you're a New York Kings fan who just watched your team get throttled 6-3 by Zermatt and drop out of playoff position with only one week to play.
But Mom has since clarified her position: "My earlier comments about basketball being only a game were taken entirely out of context," she insists. "I was clearly referring to non-WFBL games. With the WFBL Playoffs quickly approaching and the Kings in jeopardy of missing them, I just want to state for the record that these games are obviously more than mere games, and that losing to Zermatt is, for all practical purposes, the end of the world."
All across New York—or, as New Yorkers call it, the world—Kings fans and their mothers are struggling to adjust to their new lives as fans of a potential nonplayoff team.
"The first problem we all face," explains 10-year-old Ricky Amato of Queens, "is what we're going to wear. All those Kings clothes we bought over the last few weeks are worthless now. Personally, I plan to go to school naked, if I go at all."
It seems there are a lot of Rickys out there who now wonder what meaning, if any, life still holds. "This loss really puts things in perspective for me," says heart surgeon Mike Liebermann of Brooklyn. "I used to wake up every morning enthusiastic about the prospects of saving people's lives as a heart surgeon, but now I'm questioning all that. If the Kings miss the playoffs, what kind of life am I saving them for? Am I really doing them a favor? I see now how meaningless everything really is compared to the Kings' playoff hopes."
Entire newspapers and TV stations across the world (or city; same thing) have shut down, and the Wall Street Kings Journal is considering changing its name back to simply the Wall Street Journal. "People don't want to hear about the Kings right now," explains Phil Jackson, editor-in-chief of the Journal. "The name change made sense during the Kings' recent win streak, but now it might actually hurt sales."
Ironically, the Kings' players themselves seem to be handling the loss much better than their fans are. "It really helps that we have lives outside of basketball--which, my mom always taught me, is just a game anyhow," explains point guard Steve Nash. "So, for example, whenever we have a disappointing loss, I take comfort in knowing that I can still get satisfaction from my Vitamin Water commercials. Yes, I star in a number of Vitamin Water commercials. These Vitamin Water commercials are really funny. Let me say that one more time so you can add a link to another of my Vitamin Water commercials."
Corey Maggette, following his intrepid point guard's example, recently ventured into the gastronomy business by opening a chain of restaurants called Corey Maggette's Spaghetti. "I used to get down about losing games," he says. "But now I see basketball for what it really is--just a vehicle to lend some name recognition to what I really love, my spaghetti restaurants. Of course, it also helps that my name rhymes with spaghetti. That's why Carlos Boozer's addiction recovery program never took off, in my opinion."
Forward Paul Pierce says he also finds personal satisfaction in nonbasketball-related activities, such as dressing up in ridiculous costumes and visiting local schools with former Kings teammate Rasheed Wallace. "This is especially fulfilling for Sheed and me since we never goed to school. Last week we learnt about the color wheel, and we gonna go back next week to discuss big, bigger, and biggest. We also both tried out for a school play, and they picked us to play Robin Hood and Maid Marian. The play runs the same week as the Concludings, so we told them there'd be no conflict."Guard Stephen Jackson has a similar level of optimism about his team's chances in the playoffs. "In fact," he says, "I hope we don't make the playoffs, because I'm scheduled as the keynote speaker in an upcoming gun control convention, and then it's straight to Washington to lobby Congress to replace all of our nation's handguns with water pistols. So I'm a little too busy for the playoffs this year. Maybe next year."
Does this mean Jackson intends to miss the Consolation Round if the Kings do miss the playoffs? "What? There's a Consolation Round? So our consolation for losing basketball games is to play more basketball games? No thanks."
There is, of course, still hope for the world—if the Kings can beat Richmond by one game better than the Jai-Rai beat Bayside (or if they can lose by one game less than Udorn loses), then New York sneaks its way back into the playoffs. And that means little Ricky can start wearing clothes again, but it may also mean fewer Vitamin Water commercials, the school play will need to find a new Maid Marian, and America's streets will be less safe. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure what to root for.
Around the WFBL
Stratagem 5, Trojans 4
Sundancers 8, Underdogs 1
SnowBees 6, Gators 3
Jai-Rai 5, Iguanas 4
Week 18 Game of the Week Voting Results:
New York Kings 1 (16%)
Zermatt Abominables 5 (83%)
Week 17 EBP:
Week 17 EBP:
LeBron James, Rigby—5 votes (62% of vote)
________________________________________________________
Fun Facts: Feb 26-Mar 4, 2007First-class stamp: $0.39
Average movie ticket price: $6.88
#1 Song:"What Goes Around...Comes Around"—Justin Timberlake
#1 Movie: "Wild Hogs"
#1 Movie: "Wild Hogs"
Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 18 from 2007 (Feb 26-Mar 4). The Abominables were fighting for that elusive regular-season title, and newcomer Twin Falls was fighting for a playoff spot. All seemed lost for the A-Boms as they dug themselves an early hole. And then, magic happened.
WEEK EIGHTEEN, FEB 26-MAR 4, 2007
Bloody Sunday: Allen Plays through Pain, Saves Day for Zermatt
ZERMATT (AP)—Just when things were looking down for the Zermatt Abominables, just when scoreboard watching showed that a loss would all but crush their hopes for the regular season championship, just when another humiliating loss to the Twin Falls Gators seemed imminent, Ray Allen stood up as if to say "Not today, Gators!""I saw that my team needed me," said Allen, who missed the previous night's game with bone spurs in his ankle, and was not only doubtful to play Sunday, but was rumored to be out for the season as well.
"I figured, 'what's a few bone spurs, really?'"
Gritting his teeth and grimacing throughout, Allen willed away the pain in his right ankle and the Abominables held on to beat the Gators 6-3, keeping pace with the mighty Iguanas in the race for first place.
"When I saw blood dripping through the sock and he's hitting those free throws and draining those jumpers, that was storybook," said Zermatt forward Andre Iguodala.
"I don't think any of us have any idea what he went through to play tonight," said coach Ben Barnes. "For him to go out there and do what he did, his heart is so big."After the series, Allen praised Zermatt support personnel.
"This training staff was just phenomenal—the things they did for me over the last four, five, six days,'' he said. ''To avoid having (the bone spurs) rattling around, they sutured the skin down to something in between the two tendons to keep the tendon out. It worked.''
The blood-stained sock was immediately taken from Allen's foot and shipped to the WFBL Lobby of Greatness in Magna, Utah.
The Abominables would hang on to win the regular season title before getting humiliated 9-0 in the Concludings by Bayside. Yes, that's right, Bayside. But the A-Boms can hang their hats on the fact that the win essentially knocked the Gators out of the playoff race.
Has there ever been an athlete who has done more to lend coolness to a product than Steve Nash has for Vitamin Water? I don't think so.
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