LeBron, Fellow Trojan Cubs, Honored at Pregame Pack Meeting
LeBron James, posing here with his mother, is the WFBL's first-ever 2-time regular season EBP winner. Park City's Kevin Durant finished second.
RIGBY, IDAHO, WHICH IS KIND OF KIDDIE-CORNER FROM CALIFORNIA (Jefferson Star)—The audience at the Philo T. Farnsworth Center was being a little rowdy and hyper before the Rigby Trojans' final regular-season game, against the Salt Lake SnowBees. But when the WFBL's Akela, Phil Jackson, stood at midcourt with his arm raised and two fingers extended, a sign that represents the attentive ears of a wolf cub, everyone present knew it was time to start and indicated that they were paying attention by also raising their two fingers. And when the two fingers go up, the mouth goes quiet, so pretty soon all you could hear was Dirk Nowitzki offering Pau Gasol a million dollars if he'll shave all of the hair on his head, including his eyebrows. But eventually Dirk noticed that the whole arena had gone completely silent, that 20,000 people around him were making the attentive wolf cub sign, and that Phil Jackson was glaring at him, so he shut up too.
"I'd like the SnowBee cubs to notice how nicely the Trojan cubs are sitting and paying attention," Jackson said. "Let's all give the Trojan cubs a big hand," which means, as everyone in the arena knew, you're supposed to hold up your right hand, extending the fingers as far as they could possibly go, thus creating a "big hand."
"Before we begin our pack meeting this evening," Jackson said. "We have some announcements," to which Shaquille O'Neal, Rigby's reserve center and the league's Assistant Akela responded by leading the crowd in the following song:
"Announcements, announcements, announcements!"
[To the tune of "Farmer in the Dell"]
"What a horrible way to die,
What a horrible way to die.
Oh, what a horrible
What a horrible way to die."
[To the tune of "London Bridge Is Falling Down"]
Please keep them short and sweet,
Short and sweet,
Short and sweet.
Please keep them short and sweet.
They are BORING!"
"Just a reminder to everyone that the money you earned selling All-Star Game tickets should have been turned in last Friday," Jackson went on. "It looks like all of the Trojan cubs got their money in, but I'm still missing dues from every single member of the SnowBee den, except Dirk Nowitzki. Thank you, Trojan cubs, for being good examples of promptness to the SnowBee cubs. Let's give them another big hand, but this time with feeling."
Again the audience members extended their right hands as big as they could make them, then tickled their extended right hand with their left, all very enthusiastically, except for some of the SnowBees, who rolled their eyes while performing this cheer and got another stern glare from Jackson.
"Now we'll turn the time over to the den leaders to tell us about what they've done in their den meetings this month and present any awards that their cubs have earned," Jackson continued. "We'll start with the SnowBee den."
SnowBee den leader Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes sheepishly stepped forward to address the crowd. "Um, well ... you see, we kind of didn't really earn any awards this month. The boys just kept forgetting to bring their books, and I couldn't really think of any good activities to do, so we mostly just played basketball in the gym. Pau Gasol was really close to earning his Cooking belt loop, but he's sort of lost interest and we can't get him to complete the last few requirements. Other than that ... um, I think Rasheed was working on his Tattoo Art belt loop. Did you ever finish that, Sheed? No? Well, that's all. We're gonna work really hard this month, though, and next pack meeting I'm sure we'll have lots of awards."
Jackson, visibly disappointed, motioned for the Beekeeper to return to his seat and invited Nathan Wallace, the Trojan den leader, to come forward.
"Before we present our awards and show you what we've been working on this month," Wallace said, "we have a little skit we've prepared for you."
The skit began with Trojan cub Stephen Curry standing at midcourt yelling "Brains for sale! Brains for sale!" Chris Kaman walked by and asked, "What kinds of brains do you have?"
"Well, this one is the brain of a doctor. I'll give it to you for $100."
"What about that one?"
"That's the brain of Albert Einstein. It costs $500."
"And that little one?"
"That one costs $1 million."
"A million dollars?!! Why so expensive?"
"It's the brain of a SnowBee. It's never been used!"
Fifteen minutes later, after the riotous laughter from the crowd subsided, Wallace explained that this month his den has been working very hard on their Ecology and Biological Engineering belt loops. "Each cub has created his own clean-burning alternative fuel. We also built combustible engines and attached them to our Pinewood Derby cars to demonstrate how our fuels work." Lebron James then stepped forward to show off his car, which runs on fingernail clippings. Vince Carter explained how his car runs on used socks. And Chris Kaman amazed the crowd with his car, which runs on positive thoughts.
Next Wallace announced, "Besides earning the Ecology and Biological Engineering belt loops as a den, each of our cubs has worked very hard on to earn belt loops on their own. So when I announce their names, I'll have them come up and get their awards. You may want to hold your applause until the end, because this may take a while. Carlos Boozer has earned his Alcohol Awareness, World Diplomacy, and Time Traveling belt loops. Stephen Curry has earned his Nuclear Physics, Rain Gutter Cleaning, and Pokemon belt loops. Shaquille O'Neal has earned. ..."
Two hours later, when Wallace finally finished, the crowd erupted into their favorite cheer, the Seal of Approval, which consists of clapping one's elbows together and shouting "Arp, Arp, Arp!"
Akela Jackson then returned to the court and announced that there was one more very special award to give and invited Lebron James and his mother to come forward. "This is the highest award bestowed by the WFBL pack, the Exceeding Beneficial Player Award! This award includes an attractive statue and a pin for you to pin on your mother, Lebron."
After the obligatory comment that they should really be giving the statue to the mom and the pin to Lebron, Jackson said, "Now, there's one more requirement before you can have this award: you have to give your mother a big kiss." Lebron, somewhat self-consciously, kissed his mother lightly on the cheek and then held the trophy high over his head, while the crowd stood and did the Watermelon cheer by pretending to eat a big watermelon and spit out the seeds. (Afterwards, the Philo T. Farnsworth Center custodial crew called Jackson and asked that this cheer be banned, pointing out how disgusting it is to clean up 20,000 mouths full of imaginary watermelon seeds.)
As Lebron and his mom returned to their seats, Jackson explained, "There actually is one more requirement Lebron must fulfill to earn that EBP award. He must lead his team to the WFBL playoffs. But as a Scout Committee we saw that he only needed to win one more game to fulfill that requirement, and when it was pointed out that his last game was against the SnowBees tonight, we felt safe giving him the award before the game." The crowd nodded in agreement, including several of the SnowBees.
Turns out it was a safe assumption, because the Trojans defeated the SnowBees handily, earning Rigby their first trip to the playoffs in three years and validating Lebron's EBP. Next month, the Trojan den will be working on their World Domination belt loops, the first requirement being to defeat the Twin Falls Gators in Round One of the WFBL Playoffs.
Iguanas 5, Abominables 3, Both 1
Jai-Rai 6, Tigers 3
Week 19 Game of the Week Voting Results:
Fun Facts: Mar 5-11, 2007
SALT LAKE CITY (AP)—Coming into the rubber match against the Zermatt Abominables, Salt Lake SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes predicted that if his team could "show up and play our game," they might be able to steal one from the A-boms. Well, it didn't quite work out that way, but thanks to the UPS and their same-day delivery, they did manage to mail in an effort that at least avoided the team's second-ever 0-9 shutout.
Just before tipoff, one of those big brown trucks pulled up to the SnowHive at Mr. Mac Arena, and a trim, muscular UPS man clad in brown shorts strode up to halfcourt with a brown paper package, tied up with strings. Zermatt forward Kevin Garnett, noting that this was one of his favorite things, eagerly tore open the package and found life-size cutouts of the five SnowBee regular starters posed in various defensive positions: Jermaine "SnowPlow" O'Neal fouling someone, Jason Kidd running to catch up with his man, LeBron "The Pollinator" James complaining to an official, and David West trotting leisurely upcourt. Tracy McGrady was shown shooting a three-pointer, since he doesn't really have a defensive position, per se.
Officials set up the cutouts in various positions on the court, and the game began. Zermatt, of course, had little trouble winning most categories, but the SnowBees did manage fewer turnovers than the A-boms, a fact that may convince the Beekeeper to mail it in for future matchups, such as next week's series with Twin Falls.
The Abominables now have their sights set on the regular season title, as Zermatt meets los Iguanas de Maracaibo in a winner-probably-takes-all-unless-they-don't matchup for the ages.
LeBron James, posing here with his mother, is the WFBL's first-ever 2-time regular season EBP winner. Park City's Kevin Durant finished second.
RIGBY, IDAHO, WHICH IS KIND OF KIDDIE-CORNER FROM CALIFORNIA (Jefferson Star)—The audience at the Philo T. Farnsworth Center was being a little rowdy and hyper before the Rigby Trojans' final regular-season game, against the Salt Lake SnowBees. But when the WFBL's Akela, Phil Jackson, stood at midcourt with his arm raised and two fingers extended, a sign that represents the attentive ears of a wolf cub, everyone present knew it was time to start and indicated that they were paying attention by also raising their two fingers. And when the two fingers go up, the mouth goes quiet, so pretty soon all you could hear was Dirk Nowitzki offering Pau Gasol a million dollars if he'll shave all of the hair on his head, including his eyebrows. But eventually Dirk noticed that the whole arena had gone completely silent, that 20,000 people around him were making the attentive wolf cub sign, and that Phil Jackson was glaring at him, so he shut up too.
"I'd like the SnowBee cubs to notice how nicely the Trojan cubs are sitting and paying attention," Jackson said. "Let's all give the Trojan cubs a big hand," which means, as everyone in the arena knew, you're supposed to hold up your right hand, extending the fingers as far as they could possibly go, thus creating a "big hand."
"Before we begin our pack meeting this evening," Jackson said. "We have some announcements," to which Shaquille O'Neal, Rigby's reserve center and the league's Assistant Akela responded by leading the crowd in the following song:
"Announcements, announcements, announcements!"
[To the tune of "Farmer in the Dell"]
"What a horrible way to die,
What a horrible way to die.
Oh, what a horrible
What a horrible way to die."
[To the tune of "London Bridge Is Falling Down"]
Please keep them short and sweet,
Short and sweet,
Short and sweet.
Please keep them short and sweet.
They are BORING!"
"Just a reminder to everyone that the money you earned selling All-Star Game tickets should have been turned in last Friday," Jackson went on. "It looks like all of the Trojan cubs got their money in, but I'm still missing dues from every single member of the SnowBee den, except Dirk Nowitzki. Thank you, Trojan cubs, for being good examples of promptness to the SnowBee cubs. Let's give them another big hand, but this time with feeling."
Again the audience members extended their right hands as big as they could make them, then tickled their extended right hand with their left, all very enthusiastically, except for some of the SnowBees, who rolled their eyes while performing this cheer and got another stern glare from Jackson.
"Now we'll turn the time over to the den leaders to tell us about what they've done in their den meetings this month and present any awards that their cubs have earned," Jackson continued. "We'll start with the SnowBee den."
SnowBee den leader Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes sheepishly stepped forward to address the crowd. "Um, well ... you see, we kind of didn't really earn any awards this month. The boys just kept forgetting to bring their books, and I couldn't really think of any good activities to do, so we mostly just played basketball in the gym. Pau Gasol was really close to earning his Cooking belt loop, but he's sort of lost interest and we can't get him to complete the last few requirements. Other than that ... um, I think Rasheed was working on his Tattoo Art belt loop. Did you ever finish that, Sheed? No? Well, that's all. We're gonna work really hard this month, though, and next pack meeting I'm sure we'll have lots of awards."
Jackson, visibly disappointed, motioned for the Beekeeper to return to his seat and invited Nathan Wallace, the Trojan den leader, to come forward.
"Before we present our awards and show you what we've been working on this month," Wallace said, "we have a little skit we've prepared for you."The skit began with Trojan cub Stephen Curry standing at midcourt yelling "Brains for sale! Brains for sale!" Chris Kaman walked by and asked, "What kinds of brains do you have?"
"Well, this one is the brain of a doctor. I'll give it to you for $100."
"What about that one?"
"That's the brain of Albert Einstein. It costs $500."
"And that little one?"
"That one costs $1 million."
"A million dollars?!! Why so expensive?"
"It's the brain of a SnowBee. It's never been used!"
Fifteen minutes later, after the riotous laughter from the crowd subsided, Wallace explained that this month his den has been working very hard on their Ecology and Biological Engineering belt loops. "Each cub has created his own clean-burning alternative fuel. We also built combustible engines and attached them to our Pinewood Derby cars to demonstrate how our fuels work." Lebron James then stepped forward to show off his car, which runs on fingernail clippings. Vince Carter explained how his car runs on used socks. And Chris Kaman amazed the crowd with his car, which runs on positive thoughts.
Next Wallace announced, "Besides earning the Ecology and Biological Engineering belt loops as a den, each of our cubs has worked very hard on to earn belt loops on their own. So when I announce their names, I'll have them come up and get their awards. You may want to hold your applause until the end, because this may take a while. Carlos Boozer has earned his Alcohol Awareness, World Diplomacy, and Time Traveling belt loops. Stephen Curry has earned his Nuclear Physics, Rain Gutter Cleaning, and Pokemon belt loops. Shaquille O'Neal has earned. ..."
Two hours later, when Wallace finally finished, the crowd erupted into their favorite cheer, the Seal of Approval, which consists of clapping one's elbows together and shouting "Arp, Arp, Arp!"
Akela Jackson then returned to the court and announced that there was one more very special award to give and invited Lebron James and his mother to come forward. "This is the highest award bestowed by the WFBL pack, the Exceeding Beneficial Player Award! This award includes an attractive statue and a pin for you to pin on your mother, Lebron."
After the obligatory comment that they should really be giving the statue to the mom and the pin to Lebron, Jackson said, "Now, there's one more requirement before you can have this award: you have to give your mother a big kiss." Lebron, somewhat self-consciously, kissed his mother lightly on the cheek and then held the trophy high over his head, while the crowd stood and did the Watermelon cheer by pretending to eat a big watermelon and spit out the seeds. (Afterwards, the Philo T. Farnsworth Center custodial crew called Jackson and asked that this cheer be banned, pointing out how disgusting it is to clean up 20,000 mouths full of imaginary watermelon seeds.)
As Lebron and his mom returned to their seats, Jackson explained, "There actually is one more requirement Lebron must fulfill to earn that EBP award. He must lead his team to the WFBL playoffs. But as a Scout Committee we saw that he only needed to win one more game to fulfill that requirement, and when it was pointed out that his last game was against the SnowBees tonight, we felt safe giving him the award before the game." The crowd nodded in agreement, including several of the SnowBees.
Turns out it was a safe assumption, because the Trojans defeated the SnowBees handily, earning Rigby their first trip to the playoffs in three years and validating Lebron's EBP. Next month, the Trojan den will be working on their World Domination belt loops, the first requirement being to defeat the Twin Falls Gators in Round One of the WFBL Playoffs.
Around the WFBL
Stratagem 4, Underdogs 3, Unclaimed 2
Sundancers 6, Gators 3
Kings 6, Butchers 3
Iguanas 5, Abominables 3, Both 1
Week 19 Game of the Week Voting Results:
Salt Lake SnowBees 3 (37%)
Rigby Trojans 5 (63%)
Week 18 EBP:
Week 18 EBP:
Andrew Bogut, Salt Lake—6 votes (66% of vote)
________________________________________________________
Fun Facts: Mar 5-11, 2007First-class stamp: $0.39
Average movie ticket price: $6.88
#1 Song:"This Is Why I'm Hot"—Mims
#1 Movie: "300"
#1 Movie: "300"
Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 19 from 2007 (Mar 5-11). Hard to believe there was a time when two-time EBP LeBron James was a SnowBee. He must have been the driving force behind numerous championship runs for Salt Lake, right? Wrong, as this excerpt proves.
WEEK NINETEEN, MAR 5-11, 2007
SnowBee Cut-outs Fail to Slow Down Zermatt
SALT LAKE CITY (AP)—Coming into the rubber match against the Zermatt Abominables, Salt Lake SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes predicted that if his team could "show up and play our game," they might be able to steal one from the A-boms. Well, it didn't quite work out that way, but thanks to the UPS and their same-day delivery, they did manage to mail in an effort that at least avoided the team's second-ever 0-9 shutout.Just before tipoff, one of those big brown trucks pulled up to the SnowHive at Mr. Mac Arena, and a trim, muscular UPS man clad in brown shorts strode up to halfcourt with a brown paper package, tied up with strings. Zermatt forward Kevin Garnett, noting that this was one of his favorite things, eagerly tore open the package and found life-size cutouts of the five SnowBee regular starters posed in various defensive positions: Jermaine "SnowPlow" O'Neal fouling someone, Jason Kidd running to catch up with his man, LeBron "The Pollinator" James complaining to an official, and David West trotting leisurely upcourt. Tracy McGrady was shown shooting a three-pointer, since he doesn't really have a defensive position, per se.
Officials set up the cutouts in various positions on the court, and the game began. Zermatt, of course, had little trouble winning most categories, but the SnowBees did manage fewer turnovers than the A-boms, a fact that may convince the Beekeeper to mail it in for future matchups, such as next week's series with Twin Falls.
The Abominables now have their sights set on the regular season title, as Zermatt meets los Iguanas de Maracaibo in a winner-probably-takes-all-unless-they-don't matchup for the ages.
No comments:
Post a Comment