Virginia Reeling: Butchers' Floppy Ears, Soft Noses to Blame for Loss
The many faces of the Richmond Butchers (clockwise from top left: Floppy-Ear Pins, I Gotta Pee, Dude Where's My Hummer?, and Soft-Nosed Melo)
RICHMOND (AP)—There are many possible reasons why the Richmond Butchers lost last week's critical World Conference showdown with then-slumping Maracaibo. For example, it may have been because guard Carmelo Anthony sat out the entire week with an injury. Or perhaps it was because Iguana coach Fran Hopkin learned the Russian word for "pass" (пропуск) and began yelling it at Andrei Kirilenko, who wound up with 14 assists. Or maybe Iguana forward Boris Diaw dug deep and found some of that mental courage and physical fortitude that the French are famous for.
Those are all nice theories, and they're sufficient for the casual basketball beat writer, who only attends basketball games for the dramatic electronic music they play during pregame introductions. But serious students of the game, such as yours truly, want more. We come to the game early so we can hear the hip hop music BEFORE the pregame introductions. And we stay late so we can attend postgame press conferences--and not just for the complimentary donuts. Between donuts we interview the players and ruminate with them on the finer points of their craft.
Sure, anyone could see that Kirilenko played like Ivan Drago. But WHY? Well, consider this insight from Butchers center Marcus Camby, which he provided while I was finishing off an apple fritter: "The Iguanas, you know, they just pin their ears back and play hard. Our ears, you probably noticed, were not pinned back at all this week. We're just not the same team with our ears all flopping around everywhere."
Guard Jason Kidd claims that he tried to pin his ears back early in the week, but they kept coming "unpinned." His face, consequently, was significantly less aerodynamic, and the resultant drag caused him to lose a bit of his blazing speed. "So all those times you saw [Igs guard] Chauncey Billups blow past me? That was because of my stupid ears not staying pinned."
Then Wilson Chandler said something I didn't hear because I was arguing with the Iguanas beat writer about which of us would get the last maple bar (I think he swore at me, but I'm not really sure because he only speaks Spanish).
Anyway, I got back in time to hear Channing Frye say this: "Another problem with not having our ears pinned back was that made our game faces fall off. That's why I spent the whole series with my 'I have to go to the bathroom' face on and Camby had his 'Uh-oh, I can't remember where I parked my hummer' face on.
"This also explains why we played such soft-nosed defense all week. Usually we're a very hard-nosed team, but that's when we have our game faces on. Otherwise our noses are somewhat rubbery—squishy even. And it all goes back to not having our ears pinned back. Clearly that was the key to the game."
Richmond fans hope the Butchers get their safety-pin issues cleared up before their upcoming series against Rigby, which begins...well, it has already begun. Sorry. But I couldn't start writing this article until I finished my maple bar. (That's right, amigo. Es mio!)
Week 11 Game of the Week Voting Results:
Richmond Butchers 3 (37%)
Fun Facts: Jan 7-13, 2008
PARK CITY (AP)—With Chris Bosh and Jason Richardson providing Los Iguanas de Caibo with the 1.21 gigawatts of power needed to generate a 6-3 victory, the Park City Sundancers are now finding themselves on the verge of being erased from existence, or WFBL contention as it were.
A league analyst, known only as "Mr. Strickland," had some strong words for Park City following their manure-like effort against Maracaibo. "That team is filled with slackers. I don't know why they even try to field a team each week, no Sundancer ever amounted to anything in the history of the WFBL!"
Not everyone believes the Sundancers are done for. Park City guard Jose Calderon speculated, "Just you wait, we'll turn things around. It's our density. I mean, our destiny. At least, that's what Darth Vader told me last night after he threatened to melt my brains."
Owner Dave Barton puzzled, "I have searched high and low for the answer to this paradox. I have reached the conclusion that while building this team, I made a critical error somewhere along the line that has caused the Space Time Continuum to skew into an alternate WFBL season. How else do you explain that the league's top team is managed without incident by a 5 year old, and the Sundancers are a distant 9.5 games out of the playoff picture, with only two series wins in eleven chances?"
After inviting reporters to follow him into his lab, Barton continued, "Allow me to illustrate the vital juncture our team is facing with this model train set. I apologize that it is not to scale. This windmill represents our matchup against Zermatt next week—our point of no return. Either we handily beat the Abominables and send ourselves back to the future, coasting smoothly along the completed bridge of the rest of the season, or our metaphorical train will plummet off the unfinished tracks into soon-to-be-renamed Sundancer Ravine.
"Having said that, our future is whatever we make it, and we plan on making it a good one."
The Sundancers would go on to defeat the Abominables the following week—and one can argue that Doc Barton's assessment of it being a turning point was correct. The 'Dancers would go on to win six of their final ten matchups, and—while not making the postseason—taking home the Consolation tote bag. The following year, Park City made their first-ever Concludings trip.
The many faces of the Richmond Butchers (clockwise from top left: Floppy-Ear Pins, I Gotta Pee, Dude Where's My Hummer?, and Soft-Nosed Melo)
RICHMOND (AP)—There are many possible reasons why the Richmond Butchers lost last week's critical World Conference showdown with then-slumping Maracaibo. For example, it may have been because guard Carmelo Anthony sat out the entire week with an injury. Or perhaps it was because Iguana coach Fran Hopkin learned the Russian word for "pass" (пропуск) and began yelling it at Andrei Kirilenko, who wound up with 14 assists. Or maybe Iguana forward Boris Diaw dug deep and found some of that mental courage and physical fortitude that the French are famous for.
Those are all nice theories, and they're sufficient for the casual basketball beat writer, who only attends basketball games for the dramatic electronic music they play during pregame introductions. But serious students of the game, such as yours truly, want more. We come to the game early so we can hear the hip hop music BEFORE the pregame introductions. And we stay late so we can attend postgame press conferences--and not just for the complimentary donuts. Between donuts we interview the players and ruminate with them on the finer points of their craft.
Sure, anyone could see that Kirilenko played like Ivan Drago. But WHY? Well, consider this insight from Butchers center Marcus Camby, which he provided while I was finishing off an apple fritter: "The Iguanas, you know, they just pin their ears back and play hard. Our ears, you probably noticed, were not pinned back at all this week. We're just not the same team with our ears all flopping around everywhere."
Guard Jason Kidd claims that he tried to pin his ears back early in the week, but they kept coming "unpinned." His face, consequently, was significantly less aerodynamic, and the resultant drag caused him to lose a bit of his blazing speed. "So all those times you saw [Igs guard] Chauncey Billups blow past me? That was because of my stupid ears not staying pinned."
Then Wilson Chandler said something I didn't hear because I was arguing with the Iguanas beat writer about which of us would get the last maple bar (I think he swore at me, but I'm not really sure because he only speaks Spanish).
Anyway, I got back in time to hear Channing Frye say this: "Another problem with not having our ears pinned back was that made our game faces fall off. That's why I spent the whole series with my 'I have to go to the bathroom' face on and Camby had his 'Uh-oh, I can't remember where I parked my hummer' face on.
"This also explains why we played such soft-nosed defense all week. Usually we're a very hard-nosed team, but that's when we have our game faces on. Otherwise our noses are somewhat rubbery—squishy even. And it all goes back to not having our ears pinned back. Clearly that was the key to the game."
Richmond fans hope the Butchers get their safety-pin issues cleared up before their upcoming series against Rigby, which begins...well, it has already begun. Sorry. But I couldn't start writing this article until I finished my maple bar. (That's right, amigo. Es mio!)
Around the WFBL
Abominables 5, Jai-Rai 4
Gators 7, Trojans 2
Stratagem 8, Underdogs 1
Sundancers 8, SnowBees 1Kings 6, Tigers 3
Week 11 Game of the Week Voting Results:
Los Iguanas de Maracaibo 5 (62%)
Richmond Butchers 3 (37%)
Week 10 EBP:
Chris Paul, Zermatt—4 votes (57% of vote)
________________________________________________________
Fun Facts: Jan 7-13, 2008Loaf of Bread: $1.59
Gallon of milk: $3.28
#1 Song: "Low"—Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
#1 Movie: "The Bucket List"
Each week, This Week in the WFBL looks back and shines a light on a moment in the WFBL's illustrious history. This week, we look at Week 11 from 2008 (Jan 7- 13). The Park City Sundancers were still new to this whole WFBL thing, and despite making the playoffs in their first season, were off to a bit of a rocky start to 2008. What would the future hold for the 'Dancers?
WEEK ELEVEN, JAN 7-13, 2008
Great Scott! 'Dancers Face Point of No Return
PARK CITY (AP)—With Chris Bosh and Jason Richardson providing Los Iguanas de Caibo with the 1.21 gigawatts of power needed to generate a 6-3 victory, the Park City Sundancers are now finding themselves on the verge of being erased from existence, or WFBL contention as it were.A league analyst, known only as "Mr. Strickland," had some strong words for Park City following their manure-like effort against Maracaibo. "That team is filled with slackers. I don't know why they even try to field a team each week, no Sundancer ever amounted to anything in the history of the WFBL!"
Not everyone believes the Sundancers are done for. Park City guard Jose Calderon speculated, "Just you wait, we'll turn things around. It's our density. I mean, our destiny. At least, that's what Darth Vader told me last night after he threatened to melt my brains."
Owner Dave Barton puzzled, "I have searched high and low for the answer to this paradox. I have reached the conclusion that while building this team, I made a critical error somewhere along the line that has caused the Space Time Continuum to skew into an alternate WFBL season. How else do you explain that the league's top team is managed without incident by a 5 year old, and the Sundancers are a distant 9.5 games out of the playoff picture, with only two series wins in eleven chances?"
After inviting reporters to follow him into his lab, Barton continued, "Allow me to illustrate the vital juncture our team is facing with this model train set. I apologize that it is not to scale. This windmill represents our matchup against Zermatt next week—our point of no return. Either we handily beat the Abominables and send ourselves back to the future, coasting smoothly along the completed bridge of the rest of the season, or our metaphorical train will plummet off the unfinished tracks into soon-to-be-renamed Sundancer Ravine.
"Having said that, our future is whatever we make it, and we plan on making it a good one."
The Sundancers would go on to defeat the Abominables the following week—and one can argue that Doc Barton's assessment of it being a turning point was correct. The 'Dancers would go on to win six of their final ten matchups, and—while not making the postseason—taking home the Consolation tote bag. The following year, Park City made their first-ever Concludings trip.
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