Smucker's Jam Festival
What? Me cheat? No way!
As popular as his "OJ and Mayo Jam" was last year, OJ Mayo's entry in the 2010 Smucker's Jam Festival—a new recipe he calls "Mayo and OJ Jam"—was no match for the traditional strawberry jam prepared by Salt Lake SnowBee and Pampered Chef Consultant Pau Gasol, who impressed the event's sponsors by presenting his jam in a Smucker's jar, complete with Smucker's labeling and nutrition information.
"I'd like to thank the people at Pampered Chef," Gasol said during a teary-eyed acceptance speech, "for helping me 'Discover the Chef in [Me].' Without the 8-Inch Chef's knife (no. 1054, $75.00) and the Measure, Mix & Pour (no. 2265, $11.50) and the Salad & Berry Spinner (no. 1785, $55.00), none of this would be possible."
Gasol then invited any fans and media members who would be interested in hosting their own Pampered Chef party to come see him after the press conference. But as the line began forming, it was suddenly discovered that Gasol had not really made his prize-winning jam—he had actually just bought a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam and entered it as his own. When confronted with this accusation, Gasol at first tried to look incredulous and indignant, but finally broke down in tears and confessed.
"It's true! It's all true!" he sobbed. "I can't keep living a lie. There is no 'Chef in [Me].' I thought that purchasing a bunch of overpriced cooking utensils and cookware would make me a good cook—that it would somehow improve the taste of the food I cook with it, but it was all a lie. I have learned my lesson now: the best foods are made only by large corporations that mass-produce their food in huge factories with lots of preservatives."
Despite the Smucker's Corporation's warm approval of this apology, Gasol was nevertheless disqualified from competition and stripped of his prize, which was awarded instead to hometown favorite Andrei Kirilenko of the Iguanas, whose vodka-flavored jam was less than appetizing but got enthusiastic support from the Russian judge, Vladimir Putin. And at least he made it himself.
Master Lock Bill Havlicek Memorial Steal & Hostess Turnover Contest
After implementing sweeping changes for no particular reason, this year's competition barely resembled that of years past. As the only two players in the league to average 2+ steals and 3+ turnovers per game, Dwyane Wade and Monta Ellis were selected to represent their respective conferences.
The revised rules were simple. Whoever could maintain possession for five seconds would be declared the winner. The ball was placed at center court as Wade and Ellis shook hands, turned back to back, then walked a set number of paces like an old-timey duel. Each player then turned and lunged for the ball, which squirted away like a hot potato slathered in vaseline.
The ball changed hands countless times over the next 30 minutes. As one player would grab the ball and start dribbling, the other player would poke it loose, dive after it, and so on and so forth. Wade eventually triumphed by grabbing the ball and shoving it under his jersey for the required 5 seconds before it slipped out the right leg of his shorts.
Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge
Wow! Look at Dwight soar to get that rebound! Is he almost using two hands?
Dwight Howard, two-time defending champion of the Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge, knew that in order to three-peat this year, he'd have to do something special.
"This contest, which has traditionally been the highlight of Diversion Weekend," Howard explained just minutes before taking the court to defend his title, "has been suffering from a lack of originality the past few years. Of course every fan loves a good rebound, but there's kind of a 'been there, done that' attitude—a sense from fans that they've already seen every possible kind of rebound. Well, this year, I hope to change all that."
With that enticing introduction, Howard removed his warmups to reveal a Superman costume, to the thunderous approval of the crowd. He then provided the first surprise of the night by announcing that, rather than rebounding missed shots from a teammate (as is traditional in the rebound challenge), he would rebound his OWN missed free throws. Next he threw the fans into hysteria by missing wildly from the free-throw line and creatively rebounding his misses in every way imaginable: by grasping the ball with his right hand and securing it with his left, then by grasping it with his left hand and securing it with his right. Finally, with the capacity crowd holding its collective breath, he grabbed his final rebound with BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME. At first no one could believe it, but when slow-motion replays on the jumbotron confirmed that both hands touched the ball at exactly the same moment, the arena simply erupted.
Unfortunately for Howard, the panel of judges—consisting of Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, his Bolivian puppet Evo Morales, former Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-il, and the earthly remains of Ivan the Terrible—were unimpressed. In fact, they penalized Howard 3,000 points for "holding political ideologies that are disloyal to Communism and to the welfare of the State" and 4,000 points for "apparent sympathies toward the United States and its capitalistic corruption." Similar penalties were assessed to other participants, including Bayside's Chris Bosh, the Iguanas' Joakim Noah, and Richmond's Marcus Camby, leaving each with a negative score.
As a result, the winner of the 2010 Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge was Yao Ming, a late addition to the contest who has not played a single game this season because of injury and actually can't even stand up without help. With a final score of zero, Yao easily finished with the most points and accepted his award via videoconference from his small, concrete, government-issued apartment in China. His acceptance speech—in which he attributed his victory to the paternal care of the Communist Party and to the principles of Social Marxism that have forever guided his life—was met with thunderous yet dignified applause played at high volume over the arena's sound system.
Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out
After staging a relatively quiet event last year, fans and officials alike were hoping for another traditional, old school throw-down—sans weaponry. But just as the bell sounded for the semifinal bout between Rasheed Wallace and Kendrick Perkins, the door to the jungle court was splintered by an axe. And who should stick his head through the gaping hole but suspended Gilbert Arenas, proclaiming, "Heeeeeere's Gilby!"
Fortunately, league security acted quickly, shooting the crazed Arenas with horse tranquilizer before dragging him away. Sporting unkept hair and wearing only rags, one can only speculate that Arenas has been living in the Venezuelan jungle since his suspension, foraging for sustenance while waiting for a chance to exact revenge on former teammate Kobe Bryant. But living a transient life also surely means he must have missed the announcement that Kobe wouldn't be participating in any All Star festivities due to injury.
Thus the Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out was declared over before it really got started, and the top prize was awarded to the aforementioned members of league security for their quick thinking and razor sharp aim. However, lost in all the excitement was why they were toting horse tranquilizer in the first place.
Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival
"Put yo hands UP!"
The Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival never disappoints, and this year was no exception. First up was Redickulous, filling in for last year's winner, The Jonas/Korver Brothers. After a few minutes it was clear that Redickulous is a one-trick pony, as the band of Rigby Trojans headlined by JJ Redick repeatedly played their one "hit"—DOOOOOOO-HAN!—despite the judges' insistence that they perform a new arrangement.
Next up was the entire World Conference All-Stars—featuring Jeff Bridges, Kanye West, Billy Crystal, and other assorted stars from music, television and movies—singing a special musical number called "We Are the World (Conference)" as a tribute to the people of Thailand and the 2004 tsunami relief effort. It was a stirring rendition, and most definitely would have won were it not for West incessantly "singing" out of turn ("I'ma let you finish, but the Wasatch is the best conference of all time. Of all time!)
But in what will undoubtedly be the talk of All-Star Diversion Week, the evening ended with Kobe Bryant—who up until now was thought to have been enjoying his break in Udorn, resting his ailing ankle—and LeBron James, decked in black leotards and singing their version of the Beyoncé hit "All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)", entitled "All the Superstars (Put a Ring on It)".
"It was an obvious slap in the face to the management of both the Twin Falls Gators and Los Iguanas de Maracaibo," said judge Phil Jackson. "The lyrics were poignant—especially the chorus, 'if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it'—you could feel the bitterness of the two EBPs up there. It was a liberating message to all those teams who don't take advantage of having an EBP on their team. I guess if the Gators and the Igs liked 'em, they shoulda won a ring!"
The 'Dancers have a two-game lead on the Gators with three weeks to go, and need to create as much breathing room as they can as a Week 19 date with Twin Falls looms. The Igs need a win in a bad way to not only keep pace with the A-Boms, but to fend off the Jai-Rai, who trail Maracaibo by two games for the final World playoff spot.
What? Me cheat? No way!
As popular as his "OJ and Mayo Jam" was last year, OJ Mayo's entry in the 2010 Smucker's Jam Festival—a new recipe he calls "Mayo and OJ Jam"—was no match for the traditional strawberry jam prepared by Salt Lake SnowBee and Pampered Chef Consultant Pau Gasol, who impressed the event's sponsors by presenting his jam in a Smucker's jar, complete with Smucker's labeling and nutrition information.
"I'd like to thank the people at Pampered Chef," Gasol said during a teary-eyed acceptance speech, "for helping me 'Discover the Chef in [Me].' Without the 8-Inch Chef's knife (no. 1054, $75.00) and the Measure, Mix & Pour (no. 2265, $11.50) and the Salad & Berry Spinner (no. 1785, $55.00), none of this would be possible."
Gasol then invited any fans and media members who would be interested in hosting their own Pampered Chef party to come see him after the press conference. But as the line began forming, it was suddenly discovered that Gasol had not really made his prize-winning jam—he had actually just bought a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam and entered it as his own. When confronted with this accusation, Gasol at first tried to look incredulous and indignant, but finally broke down in tears and confessed.
"It's true! It's all true!" he sobbed. "I can't keep living a lie. There is no 'Chef in [Me].' I thought that purchasing a bunch of overpriced cooking utensils and cookware would make me a good cook—that it would somehow improve the taste of the food I cook with it, but it was all a lie. I have learned my lesson now: the best foods are made only by large corporations that mass-produce their food in huge factories with lots of preservatives."
Despite the Smucker's Corporation's warm approval of this apology, Gasol was nevertheless disqualified from competition and stripped of his prize, which was awarded instead to hometown favorite Andrei Kirilenko of the Iguanas, whose vodka-flavored jam was less than appetizing but got enthusiastic support from the Russian judge, Vladimir Putin. And at least he made it himself.
Master Lock Bill Havlicek Memorial Steal & Hostess Turnover Contest
After implementing sweeping changes for no particular reason, this year's competition barely resembled that of years past. As the only two players in the league to average 2+ steals and 3+ turnovers per game, Dwyane Wade and Monta Ellis were selected to represent their respective conferences.The revised rules were simple. Whoever could maintain possession for five seconds would be declared the winner. The ball was placed at center court as Wade and Ellis shook hands, turned back to back, then walked a set number of paces like an old-timey duel. Each player then turned and lunged for the ball, which squirted away like a hot potato slathered in vaseline.
The ball changed hands countless times over the next 30 minutes. As one player would grab the ball and start dribbling, the other player would poke it loose, dive after it, and so on and so forth. Wade eventually triumphed by grabbing the ball and shoving it under his jersey for the required 5 seconds before it slipped out the right leg of his shorts.
Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge
Wow! Look at Dwight soar to get that rebound! Is he almost using two hands?
Dwight Howard, two-time defending champion of the Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge, knew that in order to three-peat this year, he'd have to do something special.
"This contest, which has traditionally been the highlight of Diversion Weekend," Howard explained just minutes before taking the court to defend his title, "has been suffering from a lack of originality the past few years. Of course every fan loves a good rebound, but there's kind of a 'been there, done that' attitude—a sense from fans that they've already seen every possible kind of rebound. Well, this year, I hope to change all that."
With that enticing introduction, Howard removed his warmups to reveal a Superman costume, to the thunderous approval of the crowd. He then provided the first surprise of the night by announcing that, rather than rebounding missed shots from a teammate (as is traditional in the rebound challenge), he would rebound his OWN missed free throws. Next he threw the fans into hysteria by missing wildly from the free-throw line and creatively rebounding his misses in every way imaginable: by grasping the ball with his right hand and securing it with his left, then by grasping it with his left hand and securing it with his right. Finally, with the capacity crowd holding its collective breath, he grabbed his final rebound with BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME. At first no one could believe it, but when slow-motion replays on the jumbotron confirmed that both hands touched the ball at exactly the same moment, the arena simply erupted.
Unfortunately for Howard, the panel of judges—consisting of Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, his Bolivian puppet Evo Morales, former Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin, North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-il, and the earthly remains of Ivan the Terrible—were unimpressed. In fact, they penalized Howard 3,000 points for "holding political ideologies that are disloyal to Communism and to the welfare of the State" and 4,000 points for "apparent sympathies toward the United States and its capitalistic corruption." Similar penalties were assessed to other participants, including Bayside's Chris Bosh, the Iguanas' Joakim Noah, and Richmond's Marcus Camby, leaving each with a negative score.
As a result, the winner of the 2010 Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge was Yao Ming, a late addition to the contest who has not played a single game this season because of injury and actually can't even stand up without help. With a final score of zero, Yao easily finished with the most points and accepted his award via videoconference from his small, concrete, government-issued apartment in China. His acceptance speech—in which he attributed his victory to the paternal care of the Communist Party and to the principles of Social Marxism that have forever guided his life—was met with thunderous yet dignified applause played at high volume over the arena's sound system.
Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out
After staging a relatively quiet event last year, fans and officials alike were hoping for another traditional, old school throw-down—sans weaponry. But just as the bell sounded for the semifinal bout between Rasheed Wallace and Kendrick Perkins, the door to the jungle court was splintered by an axe. And who should stick his head through the gaping hole but suspended Gilbert Arenas, proclaiming, "Heeeeeere's Gilby!"
Fortunately, league security acted quickly, shooting the crazed Arenas with horse tranquilizer before dragging him away. Sporting unkept hair and wearing only rags, one can only speculate that Arenas has been living in the Venezuelan jungle since his suspension, foraging for sustenance while waiting for a chance to exact revenge on former teammate Kobe Bryant. But living a transient life also surely means he must have missed the announcement that Kobe wouldn't be participating in any All Star festivities due to injury.
Thus the Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out was declared over before it really got started, and the top prize was awarded to the aforementioned members of league security for their quick thinking and razor sharp aim. However, lost in all the excitement was why they were toting horse tranquilizer in the first place.
Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival
"Put yo hands UP!"
The Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival never disappoints, and this year was no exception. First up was Redickulous, filling in for last year's winner, The Jonas/Korver Brothers. After a few minutes it was clear that Redickulous is a one-trick pony, as the band of Rigby Trojans headlined by JJ Redick repeatedly played their one "hit"—DOOOOOOO-HAN!—despite the judges' insistence that they perform a new arrangement.
Next up was the entire World Conference All-Stars—featuring Jeff Bridges, Kanye West, Billy Crystal, and other assorted stars from music, television and movies—singing a special musical number called "We Are the World (Conference)" as a tribute to the people of Thailand and the 2004 tsunami relief effort. It was a stirring rendition, and most definitely would have won were it not for West incessantly "singing" out of turn ("I'ma let you finish, but the Wasatch is the best conference of all time. Of all time!)
But in what will undoubtedly be the talk of All-Star Diversion Week, the evening ended with Kobe Bryant—who up until now was thought to have been enjoying his break in Udorn, resting his ailing ankle—and LeBron James, decked in black leotards and singing their version of the Beyoncé hit "All the Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)", entitled "All the Superstars (Put a Ring on It)".
"It was an obvious slap in the face to the management of both the Twin Falls Gators and Los Iguanas de Maracaibo," said judge Phil Jackson. "The lyrics were poignant—especially the chorus, 'if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it'—you could feel the bitterness of the two EBPs up there. It was a liberating message to all those teams who don't take advantage of having an EBP on their team. I guess if the Gators and the Igs liked 'em, they shoulda won a ring!"
The 'Dancers have a two-game lead on the Gators with three weeks to go, and need to create as much breathing room as they can as a Week 19 date with Twin Falls looms. The Igs need a win in a bad way to not only keep pace with the A-Boms, but to fend off the Jai-Rai, who trail Maracaibo by two games for the final World playoff spot.
I love how Gasol wears his uniform for the jam-making contest.
ReplyDeleteAnd not just his uniform, but his alt uniform, a clever ploy by the league to showcase the rarely-seen team jerseys in order to boost sales!
ReplyDelete